2022 is finally ending. Like any other last week of the year in the social media age is awash with posts about people cutting people off. Interestingly, this year it is not the usual “I will cut toxic people” posts but rather people looking forward to being cut by their friends who perceive them to be toxic or unproductive. The way I see it, these posts are more of subliminal punches to people who aim at making "cutting people off" not look cool. But what if I told you that you should consider cutting some people off in 2023? Before you crucify me like some people did after I pointed out I would author this article, hear me out.
One thing you should understand from the word go is that
cutting people off does not always have to do with them being toxic. Sometimes
it is plainly important to have some people out of the inner circles of your life
because it is safer to do so. When you think of cutting people, it does not
necessarily mean that you should block them on any communication channel. In
the context of this article cutting is all about actively managing and reducing
the level of contact with people when we feel like it is necessary to do so. I
can think of two or three reasons for doing this and I would like to get to
them, with the hope that my mind will not wander off leading me into just
telling you why I am actively burning some bridges and stepping back from certain
connections.
The way I see it, difference is a particularly good reason you
should cut certain people off as it can negatively affect your interaction and
life. While we may all agree that there is beauty in diversity, differences can
be toxic when not well managed. If you are reading this, you may be one of
those people who have understood human interaction and as such you are able to
put up with someone like me or the abnormal person who was the link between you
and this article. However, not everyone is like you and there are people who
like to focus on differences than they do on similarities. The differences I am
talking about may be in socioeconomic parameters or cultural… or any other sort
of differences you can think of, really. As I mentioned, the differences
themselves may not be the problem but rather the way they are handled. I will
explain.
It is normal that someone who is different from you in a
particular aspect can sometimes start a conversation about your differences.
However, these conversations need to be started and maintained in a courteous
manner. I am happy to answer a few questions about why I do some things a
certain way as a Catholic, an academic or as an African but I would not expect
to be interviewed for lengthy periods or repeatedly about it. Also, I would
expect the conversation to be one that is goal oriented and without any
judgemental intonations. You may have those people that will come to you to ask
you about why you are not married or why you eat or drink whatever it is that
you consume in a manner that is not courteous. If you personally find such
chats uncomfortable, it is a sign that you need to sever ties gradually
because interactions with such people can be unproductive and draining.
Second on the list is the concept of necessity. Friendships
and other forms of human interaction need to be necessary because humans require a lot to be maintained. It is important for you to understand
and accept that not every person you have in your life is necessary and that
not every person you meet in town should be your friend. In addition to that,
we all also need to realize that the fact that some people were needed in our
lives at some point does not mean that they are needed now. I will explain.
If you are at the age that allows you to read this, you must
have interacted with many people in different settings. At the time, there was
something that allowed you to be in the same physical or virtual space and to
interact. It may have been school, work, church, a community, or anything but
there usually is a reason for two people to get interacting. What I am saying
here is that we need to let people go once the reason for our interaction has
been taken away. Think of it this way. There are times that you have been
served by someone at a supermarket and the interaction may have been good, but
you never felt compelled to develop a lasting friendship unless you
otherwise did. The idea is that you do not need to continue to interact with the
guy you met at the PSI survey in 2013 or your primary schoolmate. This is not
2002 anymore and unless there is something to keep you interacting, let that
one go. Before you continue reading, I would like to ask you to delete your ex’s
number first. Si m’bale wako ameneuja.
Now to the final thing I can think of. Some people are just
bad for business, and they need to be let go. If someone has come to your mind
after reading this, it may be time for you to delete their number and move on
to the next year without the extra baggage. There are those people who do not
add value to our lives. Akabwereka
ndalama sabweza. They do not share ideas. They talk behind your back. They
hit on your girlfriend. They talk ill about you to people who could potentially
give you life-changing opportunities. They want you to pay for all their drinks
and meat without returning the favour. They want to gain from you without
making an effort to reciprocate. These people got to go. This I will not
explain.
Having reached this far, you may realize that I have been
taking a hard line in my opinions about unproductive, unnecessary, and draining
friendships and interactions. In real life these things may not be as simple as
I have explained them. I personally have struggled to let go of people I
shouldn’t have even started interacting with in the first place and some of
them could be reading this at the moment. All I am saying is that you need to
think through this soberly before cutting off people you will need soon.
Another important thing to consider is the idea that
friendship is a give and take affair. It is important to think about who
benefits from you and how exactly they do so to evaluate whether
someone in your circle is a parasite that needs to be cut off. There will
be situations when you may want to let someone go because all they do is
take from you when in the real sense what is happening is that they just do not
have anything to give you. Sometimes you must give people time and allow
yourself to learn what they can give because what they can give you may
not be a material resource. If you interact with a person enough, you will be
able to know whether they are in your life to use you or not. Pay attention to
the signs. If you have that friend who always reaches out to you
when they need a quick 5K which you struggle to get back, now is a wonderful time to start slowly offloading them.
Here is another one. At the end of the day, we all need to
evaluate and think about who a friend is, who is an acquaintance and who is
neither. Knowing such will help us fractionate the people into categories and
allow us to treat each accordingly. Not everyone you know deserves that daily
and intimate conversation or space in your phone contacts and Facebook friend
list. We need to meet some of these people where we meet them and leave it at
that. If you meet at work, leave your interaction to work because if you start
giving each other soft loans or trying to convert each other to some
denomination… If they are in your life as spiritual leaders, do not try to
tempt them with alcohol or sex. Mugwetsa
nazo anthu a Chauta and you will destroy the essence of your interaction. Sometimes the reason for keeping a contact may be as silly as the need for seeing memes. Do not get carried away.
Another big struggle that I have personally had is the issue
of letting people who have been there for me go. There have been times when I
felt alienated by the very people who have put every effort to see me where I
am today. On one hand I wanted to continue to force the relationship while on
the other I wanted to let go because I felt unwanted. Eventually I had to
convince myself that these people would do just fine without me and let go of
the little thread of connection I was holding on to. Now that I think about it,
I was probably cut off deliberately after I had done or become something. All I
am saying is that it is important to have the courage to let go of even the
people who have been to hell and back for us in our hour of need whenever it is
necessary to do so.
The last piece of advice? Keep your friend list manageable
because you cannot be there for everyone every time. On the other hand, you can
be there for some people sometimes or all the time depending on how close you
are. Having many friends may leave you stretched as you try your best to be
everything for everyone and that comes with some emotional drain and a feeling
of insufficiency and guilt. It took me a long time to learn this, but ever
since I learnt it I shrunk the list of the contact numbers in my phone from
1400 to just 600 in one sitting. Guess what? No one complained. You may want to
do what I did if you do not mind having less than 50 status update views,
because half the people in your contact list will do just fine even if they are
not there.
I could go on and on about this, but I think at this point
you get the idea of what I am saying. I have made a personal choice to let go
of people who do not handle our differences well. This is not because I want to elevate myself, but the fear of damaging what is left of our
connection. I will not be out here entertaining a conversation when someone
aggressively comes at me, asking why I am not married and making copies of
myself because I fear I may just ask them why they left school after writing
JCE if that is what they did. You know what would happen if I did that so I
will try my best to keep away. Primary and secondary school mates? If we were
not talking, then they should not expect us to talk now and they should be ok
if I do not remember sharing food with them at break time. If you get my
contact for some business, keep it business. Tisayambe zina to avoid unnecessary confusions. Here is one last
kicker, though. I have learnt to accept that at one point I may be the toxic
one and people may need to cut me off. I leave whenever I feel unwanted and so
should you. Osamakakamiza chinzake.
So is this about cutting ties with people because a 2 has magically turned into a 3 on the calendar? I think it goes beyond that. This is about active friendship management. Not every person you meet at the groove, at church or wherever you go deserves a place in your life and if some are already there, you need to figure out a way of getting rid of them.
Happy New Year! And go delete your ex's number. I know you didn't when I said it the first time and your excuse was that you wanted to finish the article.
Ndatukwana?
