So... When does a Relationship Start? Answers to a Modern Day Question

It is yet another Friday and once again we get to have a fresh article from Richie Online. The just ended week was so full of article-worthy events with all the political hullabaloos in the country. In fact, way before the Winiko drama and the recent interviews of Ras Chikomeni David Chirwa (in which he spent over if not close to 5 minutes explaining his academic journey from Standard One to Form Four), two faithful Richie Online readers namely Nandi and Wanangwa were already asking me to feature something to do with the Rastafarian. I am not too sure whether their tribal roots had anything to do with the request or whether it is just the same euphoria that the ganja man has created but I must say that I felt compelled to write about something else.

WhatsApp. The introduction of WhatsApp status posts created a habit in all of us. When our app is dry of messages we resort to looking at messages and see what we can reply to and what not (at least I do). In the process, we end up starting conversations but sometimes we just view the posts for the fun of it, anyway. WhatsApp statuses have enabled people to express their minds without having to directly knock into a person’s message box. You probably know where this is going. I saw a posts and I want to write about it.

While I was exploring the new setup of the Zomba municipal market and exploring the new road that goes behind the market last Saturday, I checked my WhatsApp and saw a post. One good friend of mine called Noxy had asked a question.  “Kodi masiku ano mukumadziwa bwanji kuti chibwenzi chayamba?”. Confused emoji. How do you know that a relationship has started nowadays? To some, this might sound like a stupid question but I found Noxy’s confusion so relatable and the question important to an extent that I replied to the post (despite him making it clear that he doesn’t want people who don’t regularly text to be forging conversations out of his status posts) and then posted the screenshot of the question.

I will withhold the contents of the discussion we had but I will share the responses that I got when I asked the question. While this is a contentious issue and I expected a lot of responses (I had made that an informal survey), only three people gave responses beyond laughter emojis and kkkkk (whatever that means).

The first one was from one conservative lady. To her, a relationship starts when someone asks her out and she says yes. Some old school gangsta stuff right there.  I was glad to have that as the first response because it was very traditional despite some popular view that zofunsirana is archaic. Before the social media age in which people start relationships without a formal proposal just because they are clicking to an extent, people used to stand under a tree or on some corner and have a conversation on how one liked the other and would like to date the other. In other words, amuna ankafunsira ndithu.

The modern social media age has seen people become lovers just because they spent too many an hour on opposite ends of the line and one person under the influence of alcohol or overcome with emotions used the word “bae” in the chat. Boom! Love in Tokyo. While that might be the trend (and possibly the source of confusion for my brother from whom the question originated), it was interesting to note that some people have maintained the traditionalist and conservative outlook to the start of a relationship. While not dissing the new way of doing things, I must say that I admire people who still hold high this conservative view as it is probably the safest. The problem with the new one is that it creates confusion as some people get to be in relationships without their knowledge.

The second response came in from one of my idiot brothers. He said that one of the way of knowing that a relationship has started is when someone gets mad at you for replying late to a text. Stupid response, but one that bears a very good point.  

Let us contextualize the whole thing. In every relationship, people have expectations over their spouses. In the modern day setting where friendship and chibwenzi run in a continuum without any defining event like a proposal between them, there is a drastic change of expectations from the half of the union that feels like the relationship is already off the ground. If you fail to meet the expectations, tantrums are thrown and that’s where people get shocked to see surprising text messages. How could you do this to your man? I thought you and me are supposed to be tight. Chani chani uko. There probably are a couple of readers who realized they were dating when someone got mad at them.

   

Rather expectedly, one village idiot (feel like I am using this word a lot, koma idiot brother and village idiot are not derogatory expressions for those that think otherwise) punched a hole into the issue when he said that relationships start when people get intimate. Yeah. A relationship starts when two people finally have sex, according to him. Loose as this may sound, this is the truth for a good proportion of relationships in town. People get to click and then jump in bed on the first meeting after knowing each other and voila! Love in Paris. To people who have an ounce of conservative attitude would question this attitude and wonder why sex would precede the proposal process. Interestingly enough, those who are liberal would also wonder why sex should lead to an automatic relationship when such things can be done casually. One good lady friend of mine once told me that the main source of this confusion is that us, male humans usually do not come out clear on what we want from intimate relationships and that since sex is more emotional that it is physical for ladies, they get to automatically think the relationship ball has been set rolling the moment they jump in bed with a guy. Result? “Anangondivula!”  Zovutatu.

Looking at the three geneses to relationships according to these good friends of mine, one would understand the dynamic way in which relationships are being conceived.  We have matchmakers who take one number and give it to another and tell them to date (just like a boxing referee tells boxers to fight) with mixed results. In the traditionalist view, we can roughly classify these beginnings as with proposal and without proposal and I think this has a great bearing on what goes on in a particular relationship.

While I wanted to run away from the details of the discussion between me and the confused soul that posed the question, I remember disclosing to him on how relatable the issue of ambiguous relationships is. I have at some point ended up in awe or laughter after being introduced as someone’s boyfriend or someone’s ex when I had no prior knowledge of the relationship. Perhaps the need for formal proposals is still here and that we shouldn’t throw that culture out of the window.

Talking of proposals, some lady observed that guys are getting lazy with proposing nowadays. I am not too sure whether this particular person was for real or whether she just waited too long for a man of her dreams to cough the words out. That brings us to a modern day debate of whether it is normal or right for a woman to express her feelings to a man. We could make a small Richie Online survey in the comments. All in all, I will repeat this that I think that we should not throw proposals out of the window and that such a culture still has a place in the modern day society. By this, I am not trying to say that those who click and automatically start a relationship are going about it wrong (masiku ano ndi mmene waimverera), but in the midst of the intimacy and romance people need to take a pause and define who and what they are to one another to avoid unnecessary confusions.

Have a lovely weekend.