Entitlement

Woza Friday to you. We are back this week in what is a serious attempt to keep the articles coming every week. Will this be sustained? Not too sure, but the effort is there. Most of these articles come from social media feeds, so if I still have my internet bundle, we should be fine.  

On to the day’s topic. Entitlement! 

I am one of those who like to go through WhatsApp status updates. One update by a colleague in the medical profession caught my attention last week. You see. This good friend of mine happens to be studying for her specialist qualification in obstetrics and gynecology. In English, she would like to be one of those people who are experts in women’s reproductive health issues. On this day, she happened to be helping a woman who had given birth to many children when she offered her family planning methods, to which this woman declined. I will explain further.  

Common sense has it that it is not the best idea to have many children. Whereas the wisdom of the old suggested that children are a symbol of wealth, one more child could also be viewed as another mouth to feed. Here is the thing. Children, when raised well, can be assets to the family and society. Ultimately, raising children requires a lot of investment in time and resources. In cases where the two are insufficient, there is a risk that children end up growing into unproductive citizens or devoid of basic needs like education and good healthcare. As such, it is recommended that people not have many children, especially when you are in a position where you may not be able to give them the best care.  

Having had my share of clinical work, I have had the chance to work with women who came to the delivery suite. Based on the situations then, I was able to advise some to take up contraception which included measures to prevent women from having children again. Irreversible “locking”, you may call it. In cases where I have offered such interventions, it usually was because the women in question would endanger their own lives and those of the children they were carrying if they got pregnant again. From a microeconomic standpoint, such people would also struggle to take care of their children as there would be too many mouths to feed.  

Anyways. Back to the good doctor who offered contraception in good faith hoping that this woman would take it up, only to be greeted with a big fat NO. When she asked as to what her plan for taking care of the children and for providing them with basic needs and education was, she pointed out that there were different organizations that provided educational needs to children in her area. Her response is what will form the basis of the article for the day. 

The views of this woman who felt that other people would be responsible for providing for her children are shared by many. There are many young graduates whose self-development stagnates for the first few years of their career life because they assume the responsibility of educating the clan the moment, they get their first job. Relatives from the clan would suggest which two kids you need to start paying fees for without even asking how much you earn, and many have had to oblige paying this black tax. The family is not the only setting in which this happens, though, and this is not just limited to the issue of the help people give to one another.  

Repeatedly, people fall into financial trouble and find themselves in need of a bailout from friends. In such cases, it is common that people ask their friends and family for a soft loan to be repaid once the financial troubles are over. Under ideal circumstances, the money is supposed to be repaid at an agreed time but based on social media traffic, people are increasingly getting reluctant to lend others money because people just do not want to pay back. Others have ended up losing both money and friends because the borrowers were not honest enough to give back what they owed. One of the causes of this is the attitude of entitlement that leads borrowers into thinking that their creditor can do without the money they gave to them.  

The lack of trust that has come with kusabweza ngongole has created yet another complication. People are increasingly becoming hesitant to lend out money for fear of working for the same money twice. In cases where the borrower meets a response in the negative, the same attitude of entitlement can lead to fractured relationships. And it is not just the loans, even. A few months ago, I found myself talking to a friend who happens to be in the diaspora. The good man shared a story of how his interaction with one of his friends changed the moment he told them he could not manage to buy them a phone. This friend of his, in their entitlement, wanted the good man to buy them a brand-new phone out of their stipend. And just like that, the negative response shattered their friendship.  

And now to general principles. It is important to know that every person on God’s green earth has their own battles. The people we see as rich in finance and other aspects also have their own needs that may hinder them from helping whenever we need them to come to our aid. Your businessperson brother may have MK2 million in his account but fail to give you the 100K you need because he must pay K3 million to his supplier. The friend you think has ghosted you for no reason may be going through issues that they cannot manage to divulge to you in the moment. That lady who did not put you in their bridal party and opted for another may have their own reasons. Also… Even if it is just that they do not want to do what you need or want them to do for you, what will you do? Slander them? Well. Try that and see how that improves your situation.  

One may wonder where I am going with this. In case you are thinking that I am against the spirit of helping one another, you could never be further from the truth. I have spent some time in the UK where there is no community spirit and such a life can be sickening. We all need friends to come to our aid, do us favours, keep us company, offer us emotional support and things of the sort. We have organizations, the church and government to sort out our other needs too. All I am saying is that overdependence and entitlement to things that are not ours is detrimental to our mental health and can lead to fractured relationships.  

I once saw a Facebook post from someone who outlined a story of how his childhood friend came to borrow his car for a “short errand” only to disappear for hours. By the time he heard from the friend, he had been in an accident and the car had been written off. That was the last time he had a proper conversation with this “friend”, who never tried to ask what could be done to make up for the damage. This man concluded that a car is like an underwear or your wife. No one borrows those. Think of this person and the other people who have had their so-called friend default on their so-called soft loans. Sometimes people who decline to help us are only doing it for self-preservation and because of their experiences and observation. Imagine feeling entitled to something belonging to someone who went through such trauma. All I am saying is, sometimes it is best to be open-minded when asking for help. Whenever we get help, it is good to be grateful and to show our gratitude to those who help us by honoring the conditions under which the help was granted.  

I could go on and on and cite many other examples, but you get the idea. Our country is not progressing because we have entitled people who are bearing children to the mentality that their uncles will educate them. We are stagnating because we are borrowing with no intention of giving back both at individual and state level, and one of the reasons for that is the spirit of entitlement. While acknowledging the need for community and helping each other, you should understand that it is safer to live assuming that no one owes you anything and to expect and take a no for an answer when you ask for favors. The people you think are solid and can help may be going through situations that do not allow them to help. No one owes you a job, their time, a place in their bridal party, miles in their car, drinks, or anything of the sort.

Your friend in the diaspora does not owe you a new iPhone. Also, learn to understand that it is entirely possible for someone to have 20K to spend on drinks and not have 5K for your airtime. Does it make sense? Maybe not to you, but it is reality, and it makes sense to them. There is this thing of thinking that just because someone helped you at one point then they need to keep on helping. NOPE. Avoid repaying kindness with unsustainable yokes.  

Let me finish with a prayer. May all of us be redeemed from the spirit of entitlement; and may those of us who owe others remember to budget for debt repayment this coming month.  

Kumakhala ndi ulemu ndi zinthu zaeni. Kumabweza ngongole. 

 

 

On Optics

You didn’t see this one coming, did you? I would have loved to discuss the circumstances that led to my silence but I would rather save that for later. For now, let me just say that 3 half-completed articles later, I am attempting yet another comeback to my weekly routine of sharing what runs through this cluttered head. Anyways. Let’s get on with this, shall we?

Some of you may know this. I am and have been a big fan (notice that the spelling is not fun) of the Times Exclusive program that airs on Times Television on Saturday nights. The reason is simple. That program gives a platform for people who are in proximity to contentious issues in Malawi to be heard. Usually, the issues discussed would be ones of national interest. In recent times, I can think of the programs around national registration, politics of sugar prices, electric cars, water supply and the continual political charade by members of different parties. I was, therefore surprised when I heard about the plan to have the Kingstons; Zeze Kingston and Dorothy Shonga on the program.

Unlike other hardcore followers of the programs who thought having the musician-socialite couple was a bad idea, I was indifferent. I knew that the guests were fertile ground for Brian Banda’s intrusive line of questioning and that it would be a program many would enjoy and talk about for some time. True to my word, there are still some meme references going around social media from the interview. Peanuts. Angel Gabriel. 500K. One person asked me to provide an honest review of the interview and I shared my two cents with her. That is not what I am about to do here. What I want to discuss is just one element of that interview before I get to something more generalized.

Throughout the Dozeze interview, there was a lot of flare of public display of affection. From the mannerisms, we got an impression of a couple that are neck deep in love. Then there was the issue of money where their home budgets and earning and spending habits were discussed in detail that conservatives would think shouldn’t have been dived into. In the ensuing debate, others told us that this is showbiz and it is something people from Malirana or Bwengu would not understand. In their words, we were told that people in show business like to paint a certain picture of how they live, regardless of whether that is their actual life or not. That brings us to the day’s issue. Optics.

In the modern-day social-media driven world, it is not uncommon to find people putting so much effort into appearing to live a certain life than actually living it. Think of all the social media posts from gents complaining of the discrepancies in the appearances between the photos and the in-person looks of the Instagram baddie they sent fuel money to. Flip the coin and you will see the ladies complain when they discover how broke or stingy the social media king they fell for is when they got close. I could go on to talk about the motivational speakers who are promising you billions but…. You know what? I don’t know how to fight. I am sure that you get the idea. People are spending so much time and effort on impressions. But is that always bad?

Back in 2019 I was having an informal chat with my then boss. It was late in the evening but we had stuck around to oversee some work that part of the team was doing. To be fair, I wasn’t supposed to be there because the work could have gone on without me. Also, I had no car which meant I would have required someone to drop me off. When the subject was raised, my boss offered to drop me since he thought I was living in Mandala which was on his way home. He later got surprised when he learnt that I had moved to a less affluent part of Blantyre which I will not mention here. His response? “You shouldn’t be living in such areas. For starters, it is unsafe there but more importantly, how will people take you seriously if they here you are from Z…?” Anyway. This short conversation gave me something to reflect on. There are times in which the impression you give is as good as your way of life itself.

Years later, I happened to be in a conversation with some young businessmen who happened to be discussing cars. One of them was complaining about how he had to buy a new car to match his status despite having a functional Mazda Demio. According to him, at one point his company failed to clinch a lucrative deal because he pulled up to a meeting in a Demio. The car, he said, gave the potential clients the impression that his company would not be able to do the job at hand, and he had only found this out when he had informally inquired as to why his bid was not successful. Just like that, this man was contemplating on buying an SUV he personally didn’t need. For the business optics, however, this was an actual need.

In a world where people are adopting all sorts of dress codes in the workplace, there usually is some banter thrown at some professions which seem to have stuck with formal dressing. Some have even mocked those who dress up for church for one reason or the other. The whole thing of dressing up for the occasion seems to be going towards extinction with very little effort being put into that by many. At one point, I happened to be chatting with some old-timers who hinted on the fact that they would not give a person a shot at an opportunity if they didn’t dress up.

The weekend is upon us and there are many events happening. You may have those people who do not need an event or a weekend to spam our social media feeds with pictures in fancy eateries, on planes and waterfronts. For some, the pictures are a genuine reflection of their happiness while for some they are merely masks that successfully hide their inner sorrow. Some are going beyond their bounds of integrity and morality just to maintain their lifestyle while others are either getting in debt or finding it hard to survive the rest of the month or cover certain costs having spent substantial amounts on enjoyment and social media perfect pictures.

I recently decided to delete LinkedIn and Instagram applications from my phone. Two reasons. I felt like the apps were putting me under unnecessary pressure to achieve or do certain things based on what people I consider peers were doing. The second reason was almost the opposite. I felt like some of the content I was sharing was giving the impression of some sort of life that I actually will not be able to afford in the next two years. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have but you get the idea. It is very easy to have your cage rattled by those posts of people who seem to be making fast career strides and are always out there drinking Pina Colada in the Maldives.

There you go, then. In the later day we have people putting in a lot of effort to make an impression, and I am not just talking about the social media. What you see people saying and doing will have you admire a person who should be a beneficiary of your charity if you are not careful. People are living picture perfect lives that will show you how healthy, fun, spiritual, romantic and progressive their lifestyle is. Not everything is true behind the curtains, though. Learn to guard your mind to avoid being unnecessarily pressured into living beyond your means or losing focus on your goals. Stick to your lane.

On the other hand, it is important to invest in projecting yourself well. Your dressing, interactions, speech and general outlook should be one that can land you opportunities. Put on some good shoes and a nice hairstyle on top of the clean clothes you wear. Do not forget some good perfume too. There will be some times when you need to blend in and do some things to give and preserve a good image. Drive a nice car if the next level demands it, and when you go to meet big people do not drink your usual Kuchekuche. There we drink Gentleman Jack or Glen for the sake of securing the bag. I didn’t say you should get a loan in order to start driving a German machine, did I?