The Art of the Chat

It is a Friday and once again we have this opportunity to read a fresh article.

I hope I have your forgiveness for what happened last week. Somehow, the Richie Online Team managed to fail to give you a fresh article. I am pretty sure that some good came out of that, though. I got a few positive comments from people who were blessed with the sermon by Reverend Richard Jean-Baptiste Kamwezi. A couple of souls saved. How glorious!

The art of the chat. Some of you might be asking as to whether such a thing exists. It probably doesn’t. The fancy title was a simple attempt at making things sound poetic when they are not. I could have named this article, “How to Chat with People” or anything along those lines. I am pretty sure that none of the Richie Online readers would have opened the article if that was the case, though.

Having said that, perhaps some would still be wondering as to why we are talking about this. Those that have related with me personally do understand that I am very particular about the way I talk to and relate with different people. Everything about my interpersonal relationships is customized to the needs of that friendship and it is some sort of an obsession, as some would call it. Interestingly enough, this element of handling conversations and relationships in a tailor made manner seems to be lacking among modern day humans. Quick example? I got one for you.

In the month of June in the year of Liberals, 2017, I had the honor of being the keynote speaker at the graduation of Form Four students at St Patrick’s Secondary school. Those who were at the event report that I gave a powerful and inspiring speech. I am not sure if I did and that is besides the point but one thing I am sure of is that for some reason a good proportion of the student population loved it and some of them were all over me, asking for my contact numbers as I was leaving the place. My response? “I am not good at picking calls and if you want to reach me you are better off finding me on the social media.”

A couple of days later I got a friend request on Facebook from one Owen Chisale. This kid wanted to pursue a career in medicine and he thought I could give him a head start. He made his intentions clear and we started a fruitful conversation. I am glad to report that the kid is on his way to the College of Medicine but this is not the one I wanted to tell you about. The one I want to tell you about sent a request about a month ago and instead of a proper introduction he started by joking about the things I said in my speech at his graduation and laughing about it (that annoying "kkkk"); all in one text. That did not go well with me and we never got to start a conversation. He probably did not want any wisdom or something like that. He probably just wanted a casual chat but his introduction did not work magic for him.

The Facebook messages from the two young men bring us to the first major lesson in the art of the chat; know your audience. People are different and there are many different things that will make things work when starting or maintaining a chat depending on who you are dealing with at that particular moment. This may sound a bit obvious but I will still say it. You cannot chat with your pastor in the same way that you chat with your football buddies or other people you do weekend chillings with. Even in the setting where someone is both a friend and a boss, lines need to be drawn depending on the context and setting. This is one basic rule but it is one that is usually not observed by many.

Closely related to knowing the audience is the rule of appealing to the audience. You do not just have to know who you are dealing with and relate with them as you think they please. You have to take a step further and understand how they like to do things and how they possibly would like to converse and relate with you. I probably alluded to this in my “untapped resource called a friend” article but I will expound it in case I didn’t. It is important to take an interest in how people who matter like to have their friendship packages are handed to them. I will put myself as an example here. I do not like phone calls so I hardly make any.  I miss a lot of my calls and that is because I do not pay attention as much attention to my phone dialer as much as I do to my Whatsapp texts or Facebook notifications. The people I call my good friends have realized this and they play ball accordingly. Even when texting, there is a certain way in which I want my texts to come from which group of people. Simple example? I find it absurd when someone wishes me a lovely night without a prior conversation in the day. With time, I have learnt to tolerate such messages and let them slide without throwing a tantrum, but the truth remains that I do not like them.
The fact remains that there will be some conversations that will require some degree of seriousness and some that will require more of the opposite. It is not good to put people off with our lack of seriousness when we can hold it together around them for that moment and it is not good to scare people with grumpy moods when they could use a chilled version of us. Tikumakanika kupeza nazo ntchito ndi mabanja zimenezi.

Perhaps we also need to learn to pay attention to the way we address people. Some people are our bosses but they do not like being addressed as such in the same way some enjoy being called uncles despite having no blood relations with our parents. There will be those who will not tolerate being called by their first name just because they are 25 or because they got an early twin pregnancy which earned them the title “make tiwiri”. Recognize and respect that. It is all important. If your boyfriend wants you to call him bro, who are you to say no? There will be some people who will introduce you as their ex-lover when you do not remember dating them, of course. Zinazi kumangozitaya.

Last but not least, the importance of drawing lines cannot be overemphasized in the art of the chat. There are some things that are best said only in closed places and around certain people. I personally do not like it when people bring issues that apply to a particular sect of people on a group chat. Basi.. anthu mukucheza bwinobwino and all of the sudden someone brings up their work stuff and starts talking about how tough or entertaining their boss is. The worst is when people unreasonably bring up religion and spark unnecessary debates on an otherwise secular chat. Useless. And can I say this thing that speaking in Tumbuka or Yao when half the people are a mixture of Chewas and Lhomwes (who  sadly do not know their language) is a sing punishable by stoning?

On the same issue of drawing lines, some of the things we do and say behind closed doors shouldn’t be brought out in the open. Mudzatikwapulitsa kwa makolo and you may end up having us excommunicated from the Holy Roman Catholic church. Mongonenapo.

This is one long article which has a lot of seemingly obvious insights, but I am sure it has something to offer as we maximize the gains from friendships through the active management of the art of the chat.