The Evolution of the In-law

Greetings. I really can’t say this is much of an awesome Friday. Prior to writing this article, I was barricaded on some cubicle in some office space in an area I think is the hottest place on the planet earth; trying to make ends meet. Paja ndalama ili pa minga. Either way.  I managed to survive the day and think of getting fingers on the keypad for this article.

Business for today? Yeah. Let’s get on with it. Today we will talk about an important person called an in-law. Mlamu.

The general idea of man-woman (or boy-girl relationships, now that we are factoring your immaturity and everything else) is that it is generally a two-human show. Culture, however, decided to add a spice to the mix and the in-law was invented. What that basically means is that I need to have some kind of relationship and defined limits of interaction with the siblings of the person I end up dating (or marrying) or the one who marries my siblings (the latter sounds more relatable for me). Interesting, right? Probably. What I find more interesting, however, is the evolution of the in law and how the definitions of the thing have over time deviated from the original.

I have not had much time to study the interactions between in laws in the western context so I am not too sure as to what people do with their in laws that side. My observation from life in the village where I grew up and from local literature (fictional or otherwise) made me realize that an in-law is that one person with who you are sort of mandated to be connected with to a certain extent. Although there is a difference between patrilineal and matrilineal tribes on the same, both cultures generally emphasize on keeping a distance between in-laws. That is for a good reason, I guess. Here is a person who has married your sibling or to whose sibling you are married. You need to be open enough so that you can discuss issues to do with the welfare of the families but at the same time you have to be closed up enough to avoid talking about things the other is not supposed to hear. There is also an interesting difference  between the interaction depending on whether the in-law is of the same gender.

The traditional sense of the in-law generally used to apply to the setting of marriage. Over time, we have seen it trickle down to serious relationships and now to casual relationships. Along the same lines, the concept has also metastasized from blood relationships where it was originally confined to strong friendships. Now that is what we call the evolution of the in-law and if you thought these facts are useless, you need to think again. Ndikukamba makamaka kwa amene musanakwatire inu.

Let us put things in the relationships context. In the early days, there used to be some sort of fear for the person you were dating or hoping for. Amatha kukukupa khofi ndithu regardless of the age difference. We (by we I mean boys) used to avoid the paths they used frequently, the pitches they played their football on and the video showrooms they went to. Over time, however, that has changed a lot. People approach their in-laws with friendly gestures without fear and it is not a strange thing to see social media and physical interactions between azilamu. I observed and experienced a fair share of all this and I am of the idea that the dilution of the traditional connotations of chilamu is the way to go; as long as the people in question are the relatives of the spouse. That brings us to the second element of the evolution. That being said, there is need for distance especially when the in-law is from the opposite “species”. Kuopa ngozi.

As I already pointed out, the concept of the in-law used to be bound by blood and marriage. Over years, people have loosened the definition of the word to accommodate friends of a spouse. The interesting thing about this is that it has brought in a different dimension to relationships. While  we may think that this is a loose use of the concept of "in-lawship", zilamu izizi are usually functional and they significantly contribute to the relationship; positively or otherwise.

Those of you who are in relationships can agree with me that you have a couple of friends on your  spouse crawling all over your Whatsapp and Instagram; taking screenshots and reposting things at will. At times, they can be very helpful as they can provide information that can help you plan things and throw in pleasant surprises. Eeetu. We all need that someone we can ask shoe sizes and favorite things from in the early days. These ones also prove to be the best mediators whenever there are conflicts. Well. Sometimes.

All I have said seems to be good. So why are we bothering with this article? Here is the reason. While the modern version of the in-law might be good and constructive, the evil version of the same might end your happiness or even your life.

In the modern day where people have multiple concurrent relationships your in law can either be your protector or the catalyst for your end. While some would reason with their sister or brother and guide them away from the promiscuous tendencies, some will be the ones that will shield their own while giving you the image that you are the only one in play. Some of you might be guilty of this sin of calling each one of your friend’s six spouses “alamu athu”. Mukapsa. And then there are these in laws that always come as a gang. When your guy is coming over for dinner he always brings a pack of 3 other wolves who are gunning for your mgaiwa. When you want to take your girl out, there are always those side-kicks of hers who want to come along and chop your money. Azilamu mupole moto. Sometimes we should let people be and not let them suffer in the name of chilamu; when we in fact know that our buddy is not serious with the person in question. Ndanena ndanena.

Having said that, I think the whole idea of having functional in-laws is good whether you apply it in the loose or strict sense. I particularly love it when me and my cousins interact with the men who married our sisters over beverages. The level of respect and the distance between us is just in nicely balanced proportions. I might be guilty of entertaining azilamu opanda tsogolo but that is the life we should all try to deviate from. Pena azichimwene ndi azichemwali tend to put us in difficult situations. I also like how some in-laws like to orchestrate and fuel non-existent relationships and try to rescue relationships when they are at the verge of collapsing. The in-law has evolved over time and has the capability of being either useful or harmful. Bikheyafu.

Lastly, mlamu ndi mtolo wa nzimbe. Whatever that means.