The 21st Century Paradox of Sex

It is a wonderful Friday and the first Friday of the year could not be any better. We have crossed over to the other year and this Friday needed to be spiced with an article from yours truly.

Being in a new year, my WhatsApp has been busy with season greetings and people wishing me a wonderful 2019. I have had a phone for a good number of seasons like these, where people would always try to reach out and wish me a Merry Christmas and Happy New year. One thing I have noticed over time is that such messages are over time beginning to lose their value. Let me explain.

Back then, someone had to either call or text to give you such messages. That took a lot of airtime and one would always appreciate when they got a call from a friend or family member in the name of offering season greetings. The coming in of WhatsApp and its cousins has made things a bit too easy for people and annoyingly easy for recipients like me who are overly sensitive to the content we get through our texting apps. I was greatly disappointed to note that there were some who instead of typing a personalized message to wish me a Happy New Year, opted to forward the one they had gotten from someone else. That wasn’t an issue for those who sent in some animated pictures or some videos to give the same message. Forwarding those isn’t an issue for me although I generally find it unnecessary for people to be using videos or animated pictures to express feelings text can easily do.

There were, however, some other good messages and the reason I loved them was that they were personal. One person sent me a message referring to me as her friend who likes research and there were a couple who recounted how we had been apart over the past year with hopes that we would be closer this year. The one that caught my attention, however was a message that came from one of my lost brothers. The message, which contained a swear word or two was stipulating that he didn’t feel like wishing me the same usual things people wish each other in seasons like this (love, peace, happiness). Instead, this human wished me more sex, booze and a win in the lottery. I found that interesting. For starters, I don’t do lottery and I am trying to cut down on booze. That being said, we can spend the rest of the remaining space to talk about the sex.

I was born in a strongly Catholic family and I have remained a practicing Catholic despite having done some spiritual window shopping in the early days of my college life. One of the things they teach us in church is that sex before marriage is a sin. This particular brother of mine knows I am Catholic and he knows that I am not married. You can guess the question. Why was he wishing me more sex in the year? Was it because I posted on my WhatsApp that I will get married this year? Probably not.

My (and your) general observation is that nowadays people have a liberal view of sex regardless of marital status and religious beliefs. While almost all religions to which most people I interact with belong to advocate for the discipline of practicing sexual relations only in the setting of holy matrimony, it is ironic to note that many succumb to the temptation of tasting the fruit before heading to the altar. This has at times left me with questions as to whether it is realistic and practical to adhere to this teaching. On one hand, I feel like it is possible taking it from the fact that some people have done it before. My doubts come in when I see some people who play holy and pretend not to have done these things when some of us have clear evidence to the contrary.

I personally would like to think that these unwarranted sexual relationships which are happening outside marriage were not as rampant back then. One would blame it on the boom in the social media and westernization which has pulled the world closer leaving a potential sexual partner only a few text messages away. Add westernization to the mix, having sex is no longer taken as a big deal and people easily add it to the weekend’s to-do list without giving it much thought. In other words, there is an increase in extramarital sexual relationships that are happening even outside normal relationships.

One would wonder as to why people, whose private parts are supposed to be covered and viewed by some selected few in the course of their lives are willing to undress in front of many. Well. Many reasons. My psychology teacher, Dr Chiwoza Bandawe, once said that sex is very romantic, economic, political, and religious along with many other things you can think of. Among the modern day youths, however, there is a lot of sex that is happening for the financial gains or just for pleasure.

Recently, I have observed that there is one other reason for which people are having lots of pre and extramarital sex; securing relationships. Two scenarios. I may move around and find a partner with whom I can start what some of us prefer to call a stable relationship. In such a case, sex almost becomes an automatic entitlement for both. One young lady once boldly told me that she cannot have a relationship without sex. Naye ali mu umodzi mwa mipingo yomwe imaletsa nginizi ija and I finki amaimbako kwayala. The second scenario is tricky. A young lady begins to click with a young man who she feels has potential. They seem to be clicking and before you know it they are spending hours together. Somehow, their minds happen to be oscillating at different wavelengths and while el woman is happily dating, el man is still trying to know the lady to be. Then boom! Sex happens. Next thing you know? Someone is complaining. He used me and dumped me, she says. Not too sure I have heard male humans complain of being used (or abused?) sexually, but this is a common utterance for the ladies which entails that most have fallen prey to this.

I will not go into details of extramarital relationships as I am not too knowledgeable as to what propels people into that. Having said all that, however, I think is safe to conclude that there premarital and extramarital relationships are doing society more harm than good. Some of the people who get heart-broken because of the feeling that they were used do not recover to live healthy sexual lives again. Some just turn into animals that go on sex sprees as they no longer value the gift of sexual intimacy. Risk of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections? I think that is too obvious to be mentioned here.

One preacher once mentioned that when you are having sex with someone, you get to spiritually connect with all his or her prior sexual partners. I am no expert in such things, but if such a thing is something to go by, then we need to be careful about the decisions we make about sex. Chiwoza emphasized on how sex can affect individuals and societies in many different ways and over the years I have gotten to appreciate his words. Perhaps it is high time we reflected on why our churches and cultures teach us not to  have sex before certain conditions are fulfilled. Perhaps we need to adopt a more conservative view of sex if we are to live normal, physically and spiritually healthy lives.

Ndasamba pakumwa, but Happy New Year.