Of Weddings and Marriage

 

It is another Friday and once again we get to gather around the Richie Online blog to read a fact-based opinion. Here is one for the day.

One of my oldest friends is getting married next week. This is one guy I have been chatting, laying and making memories with since I got off my diapers. Me and this guy, who also happens to be a faithful Richie Online reader wrote out Malawi School Certificate Examinations in the same year and went to college around the same time. We probably started appreciating ladies around the same time, but that is a story for another day. He is getting married to his sweetheart on the 28^th of this month in Zomba and I will be there running around. For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to a wedding because I believe this will be a celebration of love for me.

The time between August and November happens to be a season of weddings where a weekend hardly passes without a wedding of someone you know. Sometimes you must attend one wedding before going to the other. It just is what it is. After attending many weddings, I have discovered one thing; some are celebrations while some are not. This, however, mostly has nothing to do with the people who are tying the knot. I will explain.

Directors of ceremonies (ma MC) sometimes dictate whether a wedding is a celebration or not. I have attended two weddings that were perfect opposites. In one, it was a wedding of people who were graduates of the college that God loved the most (or so they say). There were so many groups that were called to present gifts and I could hardly get in. I had to join the groups that had to do with the Chancellor College Catholic Community. And yes. There were many of them and each would only have a minute or so to celebrate with the bride and groom. At another wedding, the MC took control in a bad way. She would pick on you for throwing the “wrong notes” into the basket and after you had run out of money, she would ask you to give a parting gift of K6000. Now that was wrong because she had somehow turned a celebration into a fundraiser. That is one of the things that ruins weddings and diverts them from the original purpose of celebrating love; fundraising. Have you seen those weddings that people do because the bride is pregnant? Not a true celebration either. That is the other non-celebration type and you can add the rest.

Another thing that a wedding should be is the symbolism of the beginning of a marriage. Now this is an interesting one because the concept of marriage seems to be losing its relevance nowadays. We have a lot of broken marriages that are just there by name but not by practice. We go to weddings knowing that the people getting married have been cheating on each other for years and that they are not going to stop. We have weddings that are not symbolizing the birth of marriage in its entirety and unfortunately that is what a lot of us might have to settle for; marriages that are broken for one reason or another.

Now and then a young man of my kind gets a question on when they are getting married. Turns out people are so eager to know as to when why will dance at your wedding without paying any attention to what kind of marriage you will have. All that Amir will care about is the dancing and all that Sophie will care about is the Fanta. Whatever happens to you two after the dance and drinks they do not care. This is what is happening in the later day world. People are getting pressured into marriage for the sake of a wedding.

I have one good friend who happens to be engaged to this beautiful lady. At some point, we were chatting and I turned into the idiot who unnecessarily poses the when are you getting married question. The answer I got was one of the best answers I have ever gotten since I started asking questions. “We are already married, bro. We have been married since day 1.” I found this liberal “you are as married as you feel” attitude towards marriage very interesting. I am actually considering adopting that mentality and should I do that, as long as I feel married you will not be invited to my wedding.

The thing with weddings of today is that they involve a lot and most times I find myself wondering whether some of these things are necessary. You struggle with asking someone out and then you begin dating. When you feel convinced that you can take someone in, you need to do that sort of staged proposal at Hotel Amaryllis after an expensive meal with Just Jerome taking the pictures. Then it is time for the ancestors to know about the two of you and you go for the traditional wedding where chickens are slaughtered for the go-betweens to eat. Weeks before the wedding you get to have all these crazy ceremonies; bridal showers, send-offs, hen parties, bachelor’s parties and all that hibber jabber. And after the wedding, I am told that people have to go for a honeymoon. Why do I have to do all that? For what? Kukwatira komweku? All these things need a unique outfit, by the way. Casual outfits for the proposal and bachelor’s party, traditional outfit for chinkhoswe, two suits for the wedding swimwear for the honeymoon.

The whole thing of having too many ceremonies had some people trying to justify eliminating some of them. While some were honest enough to talk about the money factor, other hardliners started to bring in the issue of culture. You know where this is going, right? “Technically, both the traditional wedding you have at your village and the so-called white wedding are both traditional weddings”. You may have heard this before and people who propagate this ideology claim that those who go through with “both traditional weddings” are colonized in the mind. Well. I beg to differ. As we at Richie Online always say, “osamapangirana zochita”. We need to let people cerebrate love in the way they see fit. After all this ranting they still go on and have the 5 wedding ceremonies, anyway.

I almost forgot about this. Wedding celebrations need a lot of money. You need to book a venue, decoration, sound system, cake, catering and all those useless things. Then there are the outfits. I will focus on the bridal party on this one. If you have been to a wedding lately, you will agree that the groom’s men wear weird suits that you can hardly wear anywhere else after the wedding. The bridesmaids are worse. They wear long pink dresses with slits that go out of bounds. The outfits are so much so that one might as well throw them in the bin after the wedding. Guess who pays for that? The people in the bridal party. But should that be the case? I will leave that to you. Then there is the issue of transport for people in the bridal party. Some of you will be getting married soon and some of you will be in committees. Can you please make sure that the people who spice your wedding up have a decent means of getting home or getting to the depot or airport they came into town through? Dress imeneija siyokwera nayo minibus, please. If you can manage to move her around in a Benz the whole day, you surely can manage to put her on an EcoRide Taxi home.

I have talked a lot but here is the article in one paragraph. Weddings are meant to be a celebration of love and symbolic genesis to a happy marriage. While it is inevitable that costs will be incurred in the celebration, people need to learn to celebrate within their means and not burden others in the course. When getting married, you got to make sure that you want it and you mean it. Get married to stay married.

Precious, who I am dedicating this article to asked me to add a bit about courtship. I will not. If you want, I can give you the space on one Friday for you to talk about it.

I will be going to a wedding next week and so will my parents. I am pretty sure my mum and dad will be looking at me with judging faces asking me when I will emulate my good friend’s example. I on the other hand like to go by Dave Chappelle’s teaching. If you want to know what he said about marriage, watch the Netflix Special called Deep in the Heart of Texas. Kapena mundifunse kumbali.

Have a wonderful weekend.

 

Of Art, Attitudes and Personalities

 Guess who is back! Yes. Richie Offline has now transcended and been re-elevated to the status of Richie Online. Been long since I wrote and I decided to come back.

Some weeks ago, I rented out this space to an idiot who wanted to rant about three issues. The Idiot's Rant.  Remember that? This was one human from Ndirande and he or she wanted to talk to the world about some issues that seemed to be of concern and to share a bit of experience with NdixVille. Some of those things that were written flew past your heads. This was partly because whatever was written was crafted for political correctness and for people who put in a bit of effort in trying to understand things. I have come with a license to offend people so I will tackle one of the big issues which I think flew past the heads of many.

I come from a background of studying medicine in my tertiary education. What I tell people about medicine is that it is a good blend of science and art. For one to understand what is wrong with a patient, they need to have a scientific understanding of how the human body functions and to have an artistic way of conversing with a patient to make them reveal the symptoms. Then there is the whole thing of performing procedures on people. If I am to stick a needle into any Jim or Jane, I need to know exactly what I am trying to hit and what I am trying to avoid. Science. On the other hand, I need to understand that I am inflicting pain and I need to find a way of making the experience as less painful as it can be. Art. I shouldn't start with surgery. Outside of the field of medicine, many careers are split into either science or art. Scientists are not interesting so I will deal with those who indulge in the thing called art.

I like to think of art as something expressive. If a person goes out to design a shirt, to write a song or poem, to play football, draw a painting or make a sculpture (or write a Richie Online article), the output reflects who they are on the inside. This is different from science which is very factual. What is. What is not is not and you cannot change that. You play by the rules most of the time. Therefore, artists are exposed to more scrutiny than scientists; the expressive nature of their craft keeps them exposed. This is why it is important to actively manage one's affairs when expressing different art forms.

I will talk about expectations first. A person who is about an art or craft needs to manage their own expectations and that of their fans, spectators or any other onlookers.

You may have that one friend who forces themselves unto an art form. Ring a bell yet? I am talking about that person who does not know how to sing but keeps sending you links to his singles and mixtapes which you do not listen to. And what do you say when they ask you for feedback? You lie, right?

I happen to be a writer. I keep this blog running and I have dreams of being a columnist in one of the big newspapers. Some of you have encouraged me to go for it but as far as I know most of you just lie to me to make me feel good and make me feel good for my efforts. I understand you. This thing needs to keep running because of the 3 or 4 people who nag me for articles when I don't write. I however appreciated the one young lady who told me to stop sending these useless pieces to her WhatsApp because she apparently never bothered to read them. She was brutally honest but at least told me the truth and I never bothered to send again. I felt bad because I was trying to impress this lady with my wisdom when she snubbed me like that. It was bad, but that taught me one thing; I may not make the cut of the people who write in tabloids. 

Early this year some people were recruiting writers for a certain website. I signed up and told them I will be dropping weekly opinions on random topics to which they agreed. I wrote them what ended up being one of the most popular Richie Online pieces; He won't Marry you. Remember that one? You were supposed to see it somewhere else not here. These fellas kicked me out of their WhatsApp forum without explanation along with scores of others without publishing my opinion piece despite the fact that I had written them something else on Covid-19, being the health professional I am. Prophecy confirmation. So, what did I learn? I need to write because I think I can write but I shouldn't put my expectations up there.

Then there is the issue of managing other people's expectations. There are many artists who have gone in a downward spiral just because of trying to meet other people's expectations. People have been found in clubs every single day and ended up deserting their academic pursuits just because of not managing fame that and the expectations that came with it after excelling in either music, sports, theatre or any other art form. I will not talk about those who change genres after changing religious affiliations and immediately jump into making new music about their new music. We all know how that ends.

The big lesson is that as a person in the pursuit of an art, you will have expectations for yourself and people will expect.

Shall we talk about personality management? Yeah. We shall.

Some of you may know one talented footballer from up north. I will not point names or mention fingers but if you know it you will know. Somehow this man found himself playing for one of the military teams in the country. His career was going so well and he left the military and joined one of the clubs from the dusty capital. You get where I am going with this, right? At that capital club he ended up being the top goal scorer for the so-called Super League. Somehow due to disciplinary issues there were some fallouts at the team and he somehow ended up signing for a South African club. Attitudes soared there too, and he ended up not playing a single game for the whole season. What came next was not unexpected. He ended up taking it to social media to blast his agents for cahooting with his club to make sure that he did not play. Then when he was not called for the national team, he blasted the coach for not calling him up. Again on social media. 

This probably hasn't backfired but guess what? It will. Sooner or later. You don't go around stepping on toes like that. Somehow, somewhere you do pay. I have noticed a little change in attitude from the good player and I hope he will change for the better. Point being, your attitude can kill a career even in the presence of talent. 

Now to what you missed from the idiot's rant. There have been a couple of artists who have arguably been doing well this year. I am no fan of Phyzix of the Cholapitsa fame but this other day when I met him (don't ask me where) I broke my own rules against interacting with celebrities I am not friends with and gave him a thumbs up for how he has handled the game this year. But this is not about him. You know that one who has been collaborating with all the big artists in the country and releasing videos? Yeah. Him. That one who has been doing all those commendable charity works. That is what the idiot from Ndix was talking about.

So… what was that one on about? At the beginning of the year it was all awesome with reggae what what. Good stuff. Then came the videos. Every update came through a video replacing the Richie Online length posts that we used to have before then. Then there were the good songs and the overwhelming support. By public demand the young man collaborated with one of the veteran musician which was the beginning of a journey in which the latter would receive financial support from the young man. We all know what followed with the videos about the other guy who was trying to complement the efforts or steal from the veteran or whatever. Then there were the numerous charity works that were interspaced with songs of declining quality and the poor PR on social media. When I was asked what I thought, I told people one thing; the brand that this person had built was going to kill his music career slowly.

We go back to the issue of expectations. We expect people of influence to reach out and touch but not on each and every single thing. It is important to be focused and let others do their part while you focus on your own thing (unlike what I am doing here, talking about other people).

After all is said and done, we could learn a thing or two from influential people or people in the arts industry. We have seen some climb up the ladder and use artistic platforms to bring positive change either to themselves or to society. Others just ended up trying to please people and went down as soon as they came up. Tikambe za matenda? Rather not.

All being said, artists need to manage fame and personality. A lesson to all of us? We need to manage our status of accomplishment. Just because we have made a bit of money does not mean we need to be all over the place doing all sorts of things. Good to learn to lay low and to manage the fame and expectations.

Happy Friday to all. And a Happy Birthday to one of our faithful readers, Thandi who today has clocked exactly 32 years 4 months and 15 days. We at Richie Online celebrate her life.