He Won't Marry You

Saturday happens to be my favorite day of the week for a good number of reasons. The main reason is that I am not mandated to go to the office so I can stay up late while watching TV or having one or two cold ones with friends on a Friday night without having to worry about the next day. When I wake up in the morning, I have the luxury of baiting people into not-so-important (trying to avoid the word stupid here) conversation by posting controversial things and unpopular opinions. I had one favorite for some months earlier this year. “It is a Saturday but don’t go cook for him. He won’t marry you”.

I will not lie to you that I came up with that line. I probably saw it on Facebook or Twitter and decided to use it repeatedly to annoy ladies who spend their Saturdays playing the wife to a boyfriend. On Saturdays, girlfriends go to do the week’s dishes (mabatchala sitimatsuka mbale ndi mapoto), general cleaning, laundry and a bit of shopping before proceeding to other duties assigned from time to time on a weekend. Now one would angrily ask me as to whether going to your boyfriend’s to do some basic chores which the male human has been proven to not be good at remembering is wrong. Well. Not wrong. Not at all. For some, however, this weekend package of chores and other duties assigned from time to tome comes as way of proving oneself as wife material and thus convincing and luring their man to marry them. No, sister. He won’t marry you. At least not because you washed his dirty blanket. Let me explain. 

A few years of observation (and perhaps a bit of experience) have taught me that the means we use as young people to court the opposite sex on the road to marriage may not be as effective. I will start with the ladies. With the blurred lines that mark the boundaries between a mere friendship and an intimate relationship nowadays, it is easy for one to fall for the trap of going to fix someone’s house with the hope that they will get a partner in the person. The male species, however, is not that simple. I looked at my kitchen this morning and there are two days dishes there. Add the fact that I don’t remember the last time I mopped my house and you will realize how much I would like to have someone come and fix up this messy “camp”. While I will like a cleaner house, however, I would not feel indebted to someone because they did some cleaning. Most men will not admit it, but they won’t either. 

Then there is the issue of offering the cookie. You don’t just clean and walk away from these Area 18, Nkolokosa and Katoto bachelors. They have to deal with you personally too. Now there are some who mistake sex for the commencement of a relationship. I did mention that there are blurred lines these days, right? Offering a cookie doesn’t guarantee that you get the man either. If anything, it only guarantees that he gets the ultimate prize and has no reason for chasing you further. I know the guys here are mad at me for breaking the bro code, but I will continue. 

Modern day relationships have employed sex as a way of communicating intimacy. Whatever happened to no sex before marriage, I am not sure but I have had people confess to me that they cannot manage to be in a relationship and not taste the fruit. I will comment on that on another day as I need to stick to the issue at hand; using the cookie to secure a man. Long story short; it does not work. I have heard a story of a girl who slept with two guys who are very close. When you talk to the guys about their interaction with the girl in question, all they say is that she is too clingy. “Nanga kungodya kamodzi ndiye azindikakamira?” Maybe you are comfortable with sex before marriage, but you need to think twice on sex before a relationship because the cookie doesn’t get a man. 

I would be irrational to think that girls are the only ones who are using the wrong means to find love. Simply put, that is not the case. Kuchimunakunso ena zikutivuta and the problem is that when we have difficulties or are so desperate about courting a lady, most of use think that showering cash is the way to go. Boys, that doesn’t work. You will give them the cash but once yours momentarily runs out they will park themselves at the next guy for some until your pockets fill up again. And you know why? These cash mills are just cash mills. The good real ones hardly need any splashing and spoiling. Again, the lines are blurred on this one and it is difficult to know who is who. The simple tip however, lies in the fact that if you need cash to sustain your connection with someone then chances are that it will not work out. In my view, I think money might the biggest hook that guys are wrongly using although others use the most unlikely of means. Story for another day. 

So… What am I on about? I am not here to diss any gender or type of people but rather to acknowledge that the journey to marriage is a rather difficult one. It is so difficult so that other people have began to suggest that it is okay to stay single for the rest of your life. I submit to you; it is not okay (for most). Penapakebe umadzafunika udzikhala ndi munthu okuchotsa nkhawa and that is where the hunt for a spouse comes into play. 

The courtship playing field has been complicatedly level in the recent years with the coming in of the social media where everyone lives a flashy life and communication is easy. If I see some nice hips, I will slide into the DM and organize a date at 21 Grill and before you know it, the man we knew as single is hooked. For a relationship to start nowadays, all it takes is a WhatsApp number. No background check or any of that old school nonsense. Before you know it people are going cleaning for each other, buying each other cars, going for lake holidays and wearing matching outfits. Oh. Sharing the cookie too. The interesting thing is that after we see all this, we still somehow see breakups before or beyond the altar. Such is life and we have gotten used to the unpleasantries of relationships, both our own and other people’s. 

I like to argue that whether relationships last or not depends on the foundation. If I polarize the argument towards the topic of the day, what attracts people and puts them together matters in the sustenance of a union. My house is not as clean, but cleaning it might not be the best way of hooking me up because I might as well pay someone I little potion of the money I use when I go for drinks at a cheap bar. Sex can be paid for too and last time I checked things that can be paid for were not so good at keeping a man. With that, we could also deduce that money in itself is not good enough to keep a girl around, so buying her a Mira will not keep her around, Dear Jimmy. So, what should we all do then, to remain secure about the people we love? The answer? I do not know. Tiyeni tidzingopemphera basi. 

A story is told of how one man, having wanted to pick one from the three potential suitors gave them equal amounts of money to test them on how they would spend it. One chopped the money on Brazilian hair and make up while the other one used the money to buy some supplies for her house and her parents’. The third one used the money as capital to start a very profitable business which over time expanded and gave her many times over. Guess the one he married? The one with the biggest breasts, and I am not sure which one of the three it was. There you go then. Chores and sex do not keep a man. Not even love would keep a man. What keeps a man is not what you do or what you are. What keeps a man is a man that wants to be kept and it would not be a far-fetched conclusion if I said the same about women. 

Does it mean we shouldn’t do washing and spoiling then? Natata! Let us go wash those blankets and pay for that Dubai holiday but we should make sure that we attach it to something deeper. Again, that is a story for another day. 

(Dedicated to Maria Masiye and Lusayo Simwinga)