Active Friendship Management

 

It is yet another wonderful Friday and once again we get to gather here for a bit of a read up. It is good to read. Apparently, I have been reading a book titled Designing Your Work Life and I have been getting bad and good tips. Do not be surprised if you hear of me resigning from my job.

I digressed.

A lot of you showered me with praises for some things I did not do. While I take credit for fielding a guest writer who told you about his experiences in Las Vegas (where I have not been to as some of you rightly pointed out), I did not write the article about Ndirande. That credit goes to an idiot, whose only detail I can give is that she is a respectable lady who for some reason grew up in and still stays in Ndirande despite changing levels. I am here now, though. This is the Richie of Richie Online. Landilodi wabwera.

I previously expressed my love for the social media in my past posts. I will share a bit of what I posted a couple of months ago when I was telling people that they do not have to be passive about their Facebook connections. In that post, I expressed how I actively manage my friend list on Facebook including what criteria I use when adding and axing Facebook friends. Long story short, it was about previous and current interaction and added to similarities in our lives. Recent experiences, however, have pushed me into thinking deeper into how to mage friends in real life.

In recent times, I have found myself increasingly performing tasks that I have never performed before in my work life. Here is why. Other than being the medical doctor I was trained to be for a good six years at the College of Medicine, I decided to pursue other interests which are a little too far from the bedside. These required me to sort of prove myself in the field and I have found myself on YouTube and other unusual sites trying to consolidate my knowledge in the new field. Because of the limited interactiveness of such platforms, I found myself in need of supplementary knowledge which I could only get from people who I have not interacted with before. Luckily enough, before I embarked on this journey into the unknown, I had engaged some “Facebook friend” who I actually had not met before. All I had to do was to tell him who I am and what I was planning to do. Somehow it has worked out and this human has proven to be a very awesome resource in my work.

In the same recent times, I have found myself been called upon by my friends to do them some favors relating to their work or personal lives. These obviously involve me doing them a favor that may fall in the lines of career, social and financial lives or any other dimension that they may see me suitable to help. In some cases, I have been able to help with whatever request I am presented with but in soms cases I have been able to for two reasons. The first reason is just that the help I was requested to provide was beyond my means but the second reason was that I was simply not willing to do so. If you asked me to give you a soft loan of “ka fifite” and I said no, chances are just that you did something that made sure I was going to say no to your requests of soft loans until you adequately repent and atone for your sins. I probably forgave but atonement is important.

This brings me to the topic of the day: active friendship management. I feel like people stay on the back foot in their friendships to the extent of not paying attention to them. In my previous article about friendships, I talked about how it is important to nurture friendships that provide for us. For the needs of that article, that may have worked out but it is important to pay attention to the needs of our friends too. Rather related to providing for the needs of our friends, active friendship management also calls for us to reciprocate the needs of our friends, to advise our friends and to manage our expectations on what they can do for us.

However strongly you may deny it, it is a known fact that it is human nature to be selfish. To put that in context, most of the friendships we make are made out of personal benefit. We make friendships because we are looking for something out of them. That is not wrong in itself. What is wrong, however is this thing of ignoring the other person’s needs while prioritizing our own. In every friendship, we need to think of what we could possibly offer to our partner and that is healthy. Our friends also feel a bit more welcome to ask us for help when we are open enough and able to offer them something in return for their good friendship. A tale is told of a toddler who asked her mother of why she had gone over to their neighbors to ask for salt when they had salt at home. The mother in turn told her that she did that in order to make the neighbor feel needed. The story was that the neighbor always came by to ask for various necessities and the mother felt that if the trend continued the neighbor would have felt like she was being a burden. This may not apply to all friendships, but the truth of the matter is that good friendships are bilateral; you give in something and you get something out. That is something we all need to keep in mind. While we get something out of our friendships, we also need to give in something periodically, however small.

Then there is the issue of reciprocation. Another important aspect of managing our friendships if giving back the favors our friends give us. This is rather related to the previous point. For those of you who have gone through an adverse event or a wonderful event, you understand how important it is for people to show up at your wedding or your grandmother’s funeral. Depending on how close you are to your friends, you expect a certain cohort of people you hold dear to be present at your events. These expectations get heightened when one has been present at a friend’s hour of need and as such we need to give back the favors others give. Just for our friends’ sake.

The other way of actively managing friendships is the issue of advising our friends. It will be great to acknowledge how much friendship is enjoyed when you hardly restrict each other’s actions among peers. If you guys want to unnecessarily go shopping, you go. If it is an impromptu drinking spree in another city, you go on without giving a second thought to a friend’s suggestion. There comes a certain time when we need to curb our friend’s actions. This sort of advice may go into their spending habits, love life, career and spiritual life where most of us feel a bit uncomfortable to advise our friends, mostly for the fear of losing our friends. All I am saying is, advising our friends when we feel like our word is for their good is our duty even when we feel like we will do it at the expense of our friendship.

Here is the last one; preparation. Most friendships have been lost because people were hit with something they least expected whether good or bad. Ladies. You probably lost a male friend because they asked you out. Now that was not a bad thing. There are times that we have lost friends because they did not show up for us. On the other hand, we need to keep our window of expectations open to avoid being overwhelmed by disappointment or excitement. Great expectations create frustrated men so we need to manage our expectations from our friends.

That being said, having and maintaining friends is not as passive as we like to think it is. It is an exercise that needs out utmost attention and we need to treat it as such. Eetu. Kukhala ndi anzanu musamakuphweketse.

An Idiot’s Rants

by an idiot (probably one from Ndirande)

Everything about everything is nothing at all

You know them. You have seen them grow up, they may have raised you, and they have played with you. The type of people you ‘can’t tell nothing’. They finish your sentences, leaving your poor tongue hanging for dear life in your mouth, wondering…is this how this is supposed to be?

They know everything. Business? Oh, you can’t tell me nothing! I used to do that business. Actually, it’s not good because I failed, I don’t think you will make it. I know COVID-19 better than anyone. Why not take a slice of lemon with this amount of salt if you want to avoid it? Relationships? I have never had a failed relationship. All my baes and boos adore me. In fact I have ten of them now. All want to marry me. I am the goat. I am the plug!

You say it, they know it.

It’s such a sad state to be. The know-it-all state, that is. You do not learn anything new. People avoid you. People are scared of you. Meanwhile, the oblivion that comes with being a know-it-all eludes you of the sixth sense - that one that reminds you to stay grounded, look around and listen.

The youth are the most vulnerable people to this know-it-all syndrome. They are drinking from the fountain that keeps giving. Newly found freedom, the tip of the iceberg of success, a little money, a few titles and some hard earned little respect.

Maybe we should take a moment to listen.

To our parents. To our peers. To our bosses. To our juniors.  To strangers. To the world.

Maybe we should read more.

A book on fiction. A book on non-fiction. Some drama. Some self-help.

There is a long way to go before we can ‘take control of the conversation’. A little piece of advice makes Jolie a jolly boy. A little piece of reckoning makes Mary a merry girl.

Just saying.

But all in all, everything about everything is nothing at all.

Stay spicy!

To Ndirande Mountain with love

Ahtot Manje has taken over my mountainous Ndirande Township. I cannot walk a distance without seeing a drunkard dancing his illusions away in broad daylight to the beat of the Hiya Huwa hit. And then there are the children. Bless them. They have made a game out of the hit song. Instead of the usual ‘jingo, janga’, they now go ‘hiya, huwa, ha’! It’s nice. Some innovation right there.

And speaking of innovation - no man outside Ndirande has mastered the art of ‘mastering’ like a man from Ndirande. Anything you shall find. It is a field of many possibilities. People travel from far and wide to fetch for ‘ngini’ in Ndirande. The market of the township, a seemingly normal space, is surprisingly filled to its beam with items. Made elsewhere and made in Ndirande. The prices are always questionably generous. Giveaway prices. If you are wise you wonder why such is so. You cannot travel from Nchenachena to Ndirande for ‘ngini’ just to get it at MK5000. Smell the fish? Oh, this is Ndirande. A warm welcome to you!

Have you heard of digging a hole to cover another hole? In the end, you dig so many holes, you get exhausted because there is ALWAYS another hole to fill up. As I said, welcome to Ndirande.

This is the place where men have learnt to put their wallets in their shoes. Where women carry their money in their bras. No jokes. And speaking of money in bras, no one cares. The sweaty the better. After all, ndalama siinyasa. Imanyasa ndi ntchito.

As a ‘foreigner’ in this ‘world’ you may be very vulnerable to losing the shirt in your back of you are not careful. If you are naïve, you buy ‘ngini’ for 5 grand, you go home poorer than you came. Sometimes begging for free transport back home.

Ndirande is a network. If you do not know the code, better come with a friend.

My parents came to settle in Ndirande in the early 80s. I know the township better than the back of my hand. I can navigate through the impassable ghettos, the bathroom paths and I know the language spoken there. But I am AFRAID of my township. I have seen it at its best and at its worst. It is the mother of innovations. Ironically, it is the mother of breakers.

A word for the wise.

Don’t play games in Ndirande. You either end up cloth-less or lifeless. It is a catch 52.

Always come to the mountainous Ndirande with love.

Stay safe!

Oh, tell baby to shut up!

He almost makes me speak French. Not French the language but French the French.

In other words, my tired is very tired.

Publicity, either good or bad, is good publicity. Reputation, however, suffers from bad publicity, ergo; bad reputation is something down the toilet.

Please tell baby to shut up. He is irking people with his half-cooked music, pride and ‘mannerisms’. He is precious, when used sparingly, like pepper, but never good in huge doses. Some parts of the body have the sense of tasting too.

Should I talk about how he kept referring to the MK50, 000 that he sends to that old man? Kukumba anthu. Or should I talk about the way he tried so hard to embarrass that mentally ill man? So unnecessary. Management so poor. Someone needs to fire someone.

And who in the mother of Rose allows him such liberty to keep speaking with his thorny attitude?

Oh, please, for the love of the deities, tell baby to shut up.

Stay creamy!

Encounter with an Intelligent Stripper

 

It is yet another Friday and here is another Richie Online article, as usual. The only new thing is that this is being typed by Walter Moyo. Unlike Richard Kamwezi, I’m not an experienced blogger. To be entirely honest, I’m not even a blogger at all. I’m just another regular person sitting behind a computer. Richie asked me to put in an entry and I gladly accepted. I may boast a few stories but that’s about it. The dexterity of crafting words is not something I claim to be immensely endowed with.

Okay, let’s do away with the chit-chat and go direct to the story. I am (and have been) staying in the US for the past two years. Earlier this year before the infamous pandemic reared its ugly head, I decided to pay a visit to the world’s mecca of carnal motivations. Did you guess Las Vegas? That’s it. That was where I went. Scores of people from all coordinates of the globe trek to this bustling city to treat themselves to the pleasures of life. It therefore comes as no surprise that Las Vegas is rightfully nicknamed “Sin City”. Vegas is synonymous with gambling at its world-class casinos. Partying, drinking, smoking and other vices I haven’t mentioned also take place there, mostly ones that are legal and non-violent. But my motivation for going to Vegas was fueled more by my curiosity for adventure than any zeal for partying. I don’t drink. If I do, it's a few glasses once every 7 years or so, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone.

I had a lot of fun during my 3 days in Vegas, despite that I had gone alone. It was only on the third day, though, that I got to learn a thing or two from my stay there. It was kind of funny considering that this was the last place I would have expected to gain any useful knowledge from. So, here’s what happened. I decided to finish off my stay there with a visit to a strip club. For the sake of the uninitiated, these are clubs where almost-naked women perform dances and strip-teases to mesmerized audiences for money. Save for small-sized panties that they use to thinly veil their dignity; they basically dance naked. The patrons, typically well-dressed high-class, middle-aged men, throw a banknote or two at the marvel of the acts. 

I sat down there watching the performers do their best acts. Various performers took turns to display strip-dances on a central pole. The better one danced, the more money got thrown her way. I felt a little bit out of place, but was also somewhat excited to have tried visiting a type of place I had never been to before. It was less about the girls and more about the feeling of doing something new. As I got even more lost into my thoughts, a beautiful damsel approached me from behind. “Hello honey, can I join you?” she asked softly. She was of Hispanic descent and had a chocolate-toned skin and glowing eyes. She looked exactly like the rap artist Cardi-B. I made sure I gave this compliment to her. She smiled and acknowledged that she was from the Dominican Republic. In the first moments, I was wary of accepting her offer to join me on my seat. I thought she wanted to perform a lap-dance for me to earn some money, and I was hardly in the mood for that. She was quick to notice my reluctance and swiftly moved to clarify her intentions. “Don’t worry, I’m not looking to perform a dance for you. I’m just tired and want a useful conversation. I don’t need you to give me any money” said the girl.

My mouth remained agape. I did not know how to answer her, mostly because I was not sure what kind of discussion I would have with a stripper. I had never had a conversation with such a person and I did not know what to expect. I remained curious to see how everything would go, though. The conversation continued. We initially talked about basic issues like why I was there and where she was from. We then gradually went on to dissect deeper matters, such as issues relating to her line of work. This was where my expectations began to get blown. I got a bit surprised to actually feel like I was learning several things. For one, the stripper pointed to a sign within the strip-lounge, that said that prostitution was illegal. It confused me at first, because my pre-conception was that strippers were one and the same thing as prostitutes. I was informed that I had been misinformed. This girl and the other strippers were simply that—strippers—and nothing else. They could perform services as escorts or models, but it still was NOT prostitution. You can pay to spend time with them, but not to have sex with them. Any attempts to coerce them into performing sex acts and other activities outside of the “professional” stripping activities could get you in trouble. I learnt of the existence of professional stripper associations that aim to enforce this.

There were other more interesting things that I learnt this night. The stripper continued to tell me of aspects of her job that I could not have thought of. She explained how her job sometimes allowed her to provide emotional and psychological comfort to other people. She loved this part because it allowed her to be of help to someone in need, much like a therapist. The discussion continued into the subject of depression, which many people suffer from without realizing or without revealing it. The stripper convincingly and elaborately explained how her job was important to resolving such kinds of fundamental problems. She explained that her job thus required special communication skills and empathetic approaches. It was not a job every Jim and Jack could perform. This gave sense to why this job required one to have a certification/ licensure of some sort. I got more astounded at this point. Who would have guessed that strippers could share some characteristics with Mother Theresa? No one. At this point, I was sold. I didn't (and haven't) stop thinking that stripping was an undignified job, but at least I got a clear, distinct sense of its difference from prostitution.

That was not all I discussed with the stripper. We went on and covered even more topics such as the complicated industrial process of wine-production, modern social problems in society and the mechanisms of systemic racism. I can be quite a “semi-nerd” when it comes to intellectual discussions, and the depth to which this stripper girl held her end of the conversations amazed be. I’m not easy to impress, but this girl impressed me with her knowledge of a wide variety of subjects and, more importantly, how she could relate them together to form formidable arguments. This was when I realized that I was talking to a smart person. She was not only witty, but she (surprisingly) seemed to appear to be in her job not only because of the money, but also because of the need to help people.  She talked of many times where she had escorted men who, after being drunk, lost awareness. She could have easily conned them of their money but chose to be honest with them and keep their belongings safe until they woke up. She sounded somewhat genuine and I believed her because it was clear she was not expecting anything from me, so I thought she had no reason to lie. Of course, this may have merely been an instance of someone beating their own drum, so I took it with a pinch of salt. Still more, the passion, intellect and genuineness with which she spoke was captivating. We talked for about an hour more and covered even more intellectual subjects, until the stripper who was on the pole left the stage. Then she stood up and fastened the buckles of her stilettoes. "I need to go back to work. I enjoyed our great conversation", said the stripper as she marched to the dancing pole, leaving me in awe of the night I had just witnessed.

From this day on, I knew that I had a lot of re-thinking to do regarding all the stereotypes I held about strippers, and people in general. And that was how I concluded my Vegas adventure.

Side note from Richie: Walter Moyo is one of those adventurous people who text me using a +1 number. Not important that you know him, really. Thanks and have a happy weekend. 

Of the Social Media and Maturity

 It is another Friday and for some reason this week we have an article. As we acknowledge that this is a Friday, we should also go on to remind ourselves that this is the social media infested 21st century. This is the age of the social media and the social media has things called trends. Those will form the backbone of the discussion today.

Although I understand its negative effects, I like the social media. I have a feeling that it is possible to read through the lives of most people through their social media posts and interactions. There might be some whose lives you may not be able to figure out despite their presence on social media, but for most people of interest, it is pretty easy to get a gist of what they are all about from just looking at the waist bead-like chain of WhatsApp updates that they post on a daily basis. On the other hand, there are those general trends that people get taken up with. When it is the time for a trend, you see it from a whole lot of people regardless of who and what they are. 

That brings us to the current trend that for some reason some have been finding annoying lately; the “pena ngati” thing. Hundreds of you might have seen it, but for the sake of those who haven’t, here it is. WhatsApp Malawi has been awash with posts beginning with the phrase “pena ngati”, which is something that seeks to express intention; something that could be translated to “sometimes I just feel like….” These are usually followed by a statement that indicates the intention to perform some drastic action due to a state of desperation. While this was a common trend among the people who are considered meme lords and ladies, most people have joined the bandwagon. The result was somewhat expected. Others have expressed their annoyance over current trend. 

Last weekend, the world mourned the passing of Chadwick Boseman, of the Black Panther fame. He passed on after succumbing to colon cancer which he had been battling for 4 years through which he starred in a lot of good movies. Taking it from the fact that he starred as the Black Panther, a black superhero, he was greatly revered by Africans and it was not so surprising to see a lot of people posting tributes on different social media outlets. If I were asked to estimate, 6 out of 10 of my friends posted either a picture, text or video of Boseman, expressing how sad they were at the loss of the icon. Not all these were benign, though as some people went into overkill and expressed how the deceased was like a brother to them. That is a story for another day but following the tributes some expressed their unhappiness over the fact that tributes were pouring in for an American actor when our very own Anyoni of the Pa Majiga fame went with little if any tributes. The people who complained are probably the same ones who make noise when Juventus plays Paris Saint Germain while they have no idea of what it feels like to watch Tigers play Nchalo United. Let’s park this and pick it up later. 

I have spotted a new trend on Facebook and people are calling it the Secondary School Challenge. The challenge is very simple actually. You write the words “Secondary School Challenge” then go on to mention the secondary school you were at. Some have wondered as to whether something that simple should be called a challenge, the same was said when ladies decided that they were going to challenge themselves with posting grayscale (kapena tinene kuti black and white) pictures of themselves and when men started nominating each other to a 25-pushups for 25 days challenge. For some reason, some people just did not find all those challenging and they decided to call out the people who were participating. We will park this too. For now. 

Our country happens to be one with religious people. For some reason, I don’t like public discussions about religion because very few people look at religion with an objective eye. A friend of mine made a very controversial post about why members of a certain Pentecostal church always post pictures of their pastors on social media. That reminded me of how I had seen some people framing and hanging pictures of their pastors at home, the motive of which I did not understand. Then I remembered that there always is a palm branch hanging in my house from the liturgical year’s Palm Sunday and I only take it down after I bring in a fresh one and I realized that a palm branch on the wall of someone’s living room may not make sense to someone either. I realized that not all things are meant to make sense to all people. That may be the reason that I restrain myself from commenting on issues of faith save for when atheists are involved. Those I gladly argue with provided they are objective enough. 

To the issue of the day. 

The social media setting came to stay and we need to live with it and so are trends. Memers will lead us in posting some trends and you should all be assured that when this pena ngati frenzy dies down, something else will come up. The number of people who join the bandwagon in posting that will determine how long it will take for people to get irritated and then it will die down. The cycle will continue. That is how the modern-day world is structured and the sooner we accept that it is that way, the better. 

At some point, someone will cook some food and upload it on Instagram and tell you all how he is a good bachelor in the kitchen. Someone on your friend list will take a photo of her KFC wings or sea food from some fancy hotel so you must learn to not have an opinion or to keep it to yourself, because in as much as it may look immature to you, it may mean something else to someone. You might say that it does not concern you and thus you should not see it. I am pretty sure that social media applications have made provisions for you not to see updates from specific people, and once you see that their content is immature or does not resonate with your thoughts, those are the times to employ the unfollow and mute buttons. Block, even. 

Church-goers will continue to post how it is a feast day for a saint and others will post how many hours they are into their 36 hour fasting challenge. You may hate to see it, but it shouldn’t be a reason for calling anyone out. And yes, some will post pictures of their pastors on their social media handles including making them their profile pictures. Very acceptable, so long as they don’t stick such pictures on your jacket or hang them in your living room.  People will post about their political affiliations, what they are selling, about their relationships, the alcohol they are drinking, the work they do and the friends they have. They will go further and show you their bundles of joy and the German machines they push around. Never use people’s posts to gauge how mature, spiritual, affluent or how educated they are. This is the social media and while you can read some things, it is easy to be misled. More importantly, do not vex or call people out based on what they post. Well. Actually you may, but only if you know how to (story for another day). You get my point, anyway. 

So what was the point of all this? We are different people. Let us learn to embrace diversity and stop unnecessary conversations about things that otherwise do not directly affect us. 

Of course enanunso mukumaonjeza kupanga post zopepera so do not be surprised when people call you out.

This article in two words? Osamapangirana zochita.