On Relationships

It is yet another Friday.

Having tackled the fees and posted about integration of different life aspects, it was time to take an extra mile with randomness and talk about something that I have evaded since the Lessons from the Man from Ulumba. Zachikondi izi.

Some would wonder as to why I have taken this turn. Well. For the first time in a very long time I had some time to sit with Harry Chikasamba for a whole 6 hours or so and too much wisdom exchanged minds in the conversation, with some of it addressing issues in this line. Adding to that, I have observed that there are a lot of social media complaints (now these are unofficial and not addressed to anyone) about how relationships have lost their taste in recent times. This is probably something you might have heard or said yourself and we cannot question the truth in the statement. We can only set the records straight with  clarification; despite the fact that generally relationships are  bit of a mess, there are some that are truly enjoying and some that are on their way to enjoying a wonderful relationship.

There might be a lot of reasons for which we have this situation; unrealistic expectations, lack of commitment, Korean movies (achina Boys Over Flowers), poor advice on relationship matters (anthu akuuzidwa ngini kunjaku) and of course the issue of lack of preparation. I do not need to dissect each and every one of these things, but I think there are a couple of them that are critical.

Some little observation of people around and a little eavesdropping on other people’s conversations has taught me that some of the things we call relationships stumble because of the lack of a clear purpose for the relationship. Ideally I would get here and plaster my thinking on all of you, telling you that the one and only true purpose of a meaningful relationship is to end up in holy (or not so holy, ndi zi ma constitution zanuzi) matrimony of some sort. That is pretty much the case if you are to think in the lines of two thirds of the societal norms but the modern Americanized young person has added a whole load of things to that and some of them are not what me and my fellow conservatives would call pleasant which has come in as a problem.

If I am to argue from my personal perspective, I would say a relationship that is not marriage oriented lacks foresight and can easily sink when sailing through the rough waters of the day. The reason is that people have nothing to motivate them to keep going because all the can think of are the lunch dates and the sex that come with the relationship; which at the end they (think or know) can get from someone else. Not many a relationship survive with this “chakudya cha lero” kind of mentality.

From the liberal point of view (nanga si zikatha zambiri mukumati simumaganizako zokwatira) I would argue to say that there is a lot of misalignment of interest in our relationships. While one person wants one thing and thinks the partner wants the same, their partner is looking for a totally different thing. You wouldn’t expect things to work in such scenarios.

Lack of preparation is another factor that leads to unsuccessful relationships. Like any other kind of project (yeah, I called it that) this whole relationship business requires some preparation. Forget about the knowing each other thing; this starts within oneself. Every human  needs to sit down and think about whether they are ready for a relationship or not and if yes, what kind of it. The idea is that this preparation for oneself guides one as to what kind of person to fall for and the type of relationship they want. This has not been the case from what I have seen. People suffer a breakup on one day and end up in another relationship a few days later. There are in fact some who have told me in my face that ever since they had their relationship they have never stayed single for more than a week. Would that be a heavy habit? You tell me.

There is, then, the critical issue of guidance. Some of our relationships are not living to their full potential in terms of life span and levels of enjoyment thanks to poor guidance or a total lack of it. To be honest, the past few years have seen me graduate from being a person who hates it when atsogoleri give advice to little girls on matters of relationships to a person who gets angry when they do so (and of course when they overdo it). It is good to acknowledge that there are some who want the ideals when it come to relationships and not many of them know what it takes. Those need guidance in the same and they constantly need to be given the same in one way or another.

In the light of the guidance factor, we have a number of issues the first one of which is that most of us (the 90’s babies) are the know-it-all type. Sitimva zamunthu especially on relationships. Second is that we get advice from either those who are inexperienced or those who are doing it wrong (while they think they are doing it right) and lastly (for now) we have people  who take advice as the gospel truth without regurgitating it and relating it to their own person and situation before applying it. I know some of you relate to what you are reading because of what you have observed or experienced. No more explanations.

With the main ailments to the modern day relationship pointed out, I think it is time we prescribe the remedy. I personally do believe that we could cut a whole lot of trouble associated with relationships by having a whole lot of time to prepare for them emotionally and otherwise. That would give us an idea of what sort of relationship we would want to be in and consequently what kind of person we want to be in it with. The thought of the whole thing would make us think of taking our time before jumping into the first or the next one. Relationships may be difficult to handle and that is where the need for guidance comes. The only thing we can do about this is to filter our sources of advice and to relate it with our very situation before applying it other than taking crude guidance and applying it unfractionated to your own relationship (or singleness). I will mention the obvious. Before you get into a relationship (for those who haven’t tested the waters and those who are to test more) get to know the potential spouse. Helps to know if interests are aligned.

I never mentioned anything to do with love here, but I do believe that when some of these things are followed love would still flow in abundance, whatever your definition of love is. People say that relationships should not be hinged on money, which is true, but I would point out that the lunch date everyone should have once in a while(had one with Nabanda a couple of days ago) needs a couple of aloe veras.

We will not go to the Hollywood or Korean movies for now, but I hope someone has gotten a little lesson while the other has had a refresher course on the one thousand paged book they red on a similar topic.

Hey. These things have to be fun so set the standards.

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