Random Thoughts on Marriages and Family

It is yet another Friday. Been an eventful week and we have seen a lot of things worth a two page article. We heard of issues of women on woman violence, HE’s surprise visit to ESCOM and the establishment of the new state of MUST. If you are a normal human, in which case you like to read articles from our substandard online publications and the social media, you might be fed up with the ripples and echoes of the mentioned stories. It is in the light of that fact that I have chosen to divert from all those current affairs to focus on something that people may not want, but surely need to read about. That is how considerate I can be at times.

A couple of days ago I found myself reflecting upon the future of the concept of marriage and families. I am not sure as to whether these reflections came from the fact that I have been watching a TV Show with dysfunctional families or from the fact that I had been reading something on the Catholic Church’s teaching on marriage. I am pretty sure that it might have been a bit of both. These thoughts triggered a chain reaction of thoughts and got me thinking about how there are many young people who are not too keen on making or sustaining a commitment to such an institution as marriage. I pondered upon many possible causes of this anomaly but I stuck to one to an extent that I ended up turning into a Whatsapp status post. The reason? Lack of model families that one can look up to. I know I have to defend myself here.

I might not have been around God’s green earth for long but I think I have been around long enough to have noted that there have been some changes in the way people value and handle marriage. I would not comment much on the issue of enduring marriage versus enjoying it. In as much as I think that there are many that are moving into and staying in marriages of convenience (as my friend Edmond calls them), I do not think that I have sufficient evidence to write a full paragraph on this. You, however, could look around your own community and identify those who got married or are staying married just because it is convenient to do so and not because it was/is the best thing to do. This is not a very good thing considering the fact that some of us who look at this from the other side of the wedding bridge like to think that marriage ought to be enjoyed as opposed to being endured. On the other hand, I have come to learn that a good fraction of the marriages we have are just for mere appearances and not for the real purpose. Showbiz. People are investing more into weddings than they are investing in marriages and as such what we are ending up with are dysfunctional families which do not last as long as people promise (on the altar) they will. Divorce rates are escalating and people are getting more liberal with their ideas towards marriage. For us Catholics, our leader likes to tell us that the liberal ideas that are coming in the modern day are part of the Devil’s attack on the institution of marriage. He continues to say that families are being attacked because with dysfunctional families come dysfunctional communities and so on (achina Hope mukonze malamulo a chingerezi apa). I find this true, to a greater extent.

A couple of scenarios…
Pretty recently I found myself chatting with some gentlemen who happened to be waiting for a lady workmate of theirs (amafuna andipatse through ball, if you know what I mean). When the lady in question arrived, she appeared troubled and without being asked she started narrating how she had met her sister’s husband as she was driving from Chilomoni. I didn’t mention the time it was but this was around 2100 hours on a Friday night. Reason for being troubled? She knew her mlamu had another lady there. I don’t know whether she was seeking opinions from us or just thinking out loud but she ended up asking us if she should tell her sister about what she had just seen. The friends in question, some of whom are married gladly offered their advice that she should keep her mouth shut and avoid ruining her sister’s family over what they called “a single episode of cheating which her sister probably already knew about.”

A chat with another friend also brought up the excuses that people make for cheating. The most interesting one was this feeling that men have that whenever they have extra money that their immediate family cannot use, it ought to be spent on other women. This has seen people with moneys have chains of girlfriends and friends with benefits.

Before we blow the issue of cheating out of proportion, it is important to note that it is not the only thing that is ruining the quality of families around. There is this thing of the commercialization of marriage that has ruined the perception and behavior around marriage. This is probably related to the mentioned of point of men cheating because they have “enablers” (money, rides) but there comes an interesting point when we factor women into the equation. There is this belief that circles around some women that the moment they make it financially they do not need a man. The interesting thing is how this belief affects marriages at various levels. For those who do make it before they cross the bridge, it is hard to sustain meaningful relationships with people who are seemingly worse of financially regardless of their financial potential or character. In the end they end up going for the anything that comes their way akatopa ndi kudikira. This also applies with education (ngati ine ndili ndi masters atandikwatire ndi wa PhD) and spiritual life (akazi akufuna ma prayer warrior) and pretty much many other attributes. The interesting thing is how things get complicated when women rise in marriage. Such cases have seen women undermining their husbands, situations that have led to breakups.

Away from all that, I also like to think that the other reason that we don’t have the best and admirable when it comes to marriage is the poor or lack of preparation for the same. As I already said, people are more about making appearances than they are about working out what matters in their relationships. Modern day couples in courtship would rather spend time on a photo shoot putting on “soul-mate” t shirts than on hour planning their future. Modern day couple would rather spend time planning a wedding than they would planning their marriage. It’s all about the HD photos nowadays and what comes out of all this is a picture perfect but unsustainable relationship. And then there is the issue of choice of partner. This, again gets complicated when comprehensive objectivity is substituted by appearances… Ma slay queen ndi ma rich nigga amenewa.
Having said all this, I must say that I do believe in the importance of functional families; the best ground for raising responsible future leaders. I believe that good families are far more important for the society than modern philosophies make us believe. Those of you who grew up in nice families can relate and so can you if you did otherwise and with that we all have the noble obligation of making and sustaining the best families we can get. This goes down to issues of preparation and good choices of a partner that are more objective than they are subjective. It goes down to a good and utilized courtship period in which people can know (if they can live with) each other before making a commitment. Following that should be a period of sticking to the promises of marriage and sticking to the one (s) you are committed to without looking to the left or to the right. Some would say it is easier said than done, but there are people who are doing it out there. If you can’t do it because of your religious beliefs, do it because your moral campus guides you to. As I say sometimes, umunthu ndi uMulungu udzititsutsa 2 minutes inayake. And can we take money as the means for exchange of goods and services that it is please?

Ali ku Salima kuno andipeze kumbuyo kwa stage….