Parenting and Childing: a Reflection

It is another wonderful Friday and despite the political noise in this week and day, we have somehow managed to get an apolitical article on the serving. The temptation to write some piece with politics smeared all over it was very strong and the only reason I managed to resist it was that I am trying to be loyal to the readers to whom I promised an article titled “Parenting and Childing”. You might wonder about whether the childing word is part of the formal English vocabulary. Well. It probably wasn’t until now, and in the next few paragraphs you will learn what it is all about, if you haven’t already figured that out.

Let us start from last week’s article. Expectations. After a bulk of you enjoyed that article had enjoyed that article, you joined my grandmother and my uncle in pestering me on the whole issue of when I was going to buy a car and find love. I was under so much pressure but I enjoyed giving crazy responses to the messages that filled my inbox. What many did not know was that it was my way of trying to console myself and forget that her condition was not that good. A few hours after posting the article in which I shared about my conversations with the old woman, I had my last chat with her and about 14 hours after the article one of the nicest people I had known had passed on to the other side. May she rest in eternal peace.

A couple of days after laying her to rest I found myself reflecting on the conversations we had in the last few weeks of her life. I was asking myself why she had kept so much pressure on me, asking me as to why I had been showing up alone to see her on her bedside three times a day, when I should have been coming with my spouse. It is a question that attracted crazy answers aimed at dismissing her but during my reflection and combining the car issue, one thing I realized was that she did not mean to put me under pressure. What she had desired to see, on the other hand was her grandson having the two things that could make him happy; basic material needs and companionship. Thinking about this got me thinking about a conversation which I had had a couple weeks prior with another friend.

In our chat, this new friend and workmate of mine was telling me about how she lost her father to a heart problem. One thing that caught my attention throughout the time I listened to the narrative was her composure throughout the whole conversation. I later learnt that it all came from the fact that she had no regrets because she felt she had spent so much time with her father when she had a chance. While his departure was a bad experience, it was a good thing that she had created good memories while the time was there. I found myself relating with this. While I had been raised by my grandmother for a good chunk of my early years, school and professional training separated us for most of my short adult life. Our re-connection came in towards the end of her life and I find it consoling that I created some memories.

Interestingly enough, the whole situation and reflection got me reflecting about my attitude towards my parents. Let me use the article as a confession box. I am one of those guys who can spend the whole week without talking to my parents and still be okay with it. Well. I was. There are those times that my dad would call and ask me, “muli mtauni momuno, akulu?" after not seeing me for ages when we live in the same city and work in offices separated by a 10 minute drive. To me, as long as my parents are silent, it means they are okay and we don’t need to talk regularly. Does it work? I survive it, but after the recent experience I have learnt that such a thing may end up catching up with me (or them) the wrong way should the unfortunate happen.

While we may all not have biological parents in our lives, we have people who raised us to the level where we are able to read an article on Richie Online (this means munaraiza, if you didn’t know). At some point,  we get educated, get a bit of money, begin paying rent and get to afford a Samsung Galaxy S6. Attaining this financial independence gets us to feel invincible and we begin to feel like that  is our ticket to full independence from guardians and parents. Wrong.

One person once told me of how his pastor (who is a famous preacher man in town) once fell into tears upon hearing words of authority from his mother. At this occasion, he had gone to the mother with the sole purpose of informing the mother that he had decided to marry. In his words, he told his mother that at the point he felt like he had accomplished all he had wanted and had made up his mind about settling with a woman of his choice. The mother in turn wondered about whether he felt so grown so that he was telling it in the informative and not the opinion seeking tone he had always used in their prior interactions.

I would understand you for not relating with the example which some of you may consider extreme. We relate with our parents differently. Some of you can fly to South Africa for a week without telling your guardians while some of us (stubborn as we may be) cannot take a ride beyond Zomba without letting our parents know about it. The point, however, is that the people who raise us still consider us as their children and still expect a certain level of connection and interaction, although they may not say it. It may seem like a useless or boring venture to go on a normal day (that is not Mother’s Day)and just check on parents. Parents repeatedly ask the same questions despite you providing the same answers over and over. They will keep telling you the same stories for the hundredth time, but if not you, who will they empty their chests unto? Avail yourself.

I know there are not that many readers who are parents but my prophecy is that half of my readership will have some offspring of sorts (official or unofficial) in five years time. We (inenso ndikhala mgulu lokhala ndi ana) will have a parental obligation to our children. While we still are a couple of miles from that, we need to know the essential difference between a father and a daddy as well as the difference between a mother and a mummy and if you think it is about the earnings, you are wrong. On the other hand, it is all about how much of yourself (in time and resources) you invest in the upbringing of your children. Your money will not cut it if you do not make yourself available for your child as a father because every child needs to grow with both parents whenever possible. The fact that you held your child within you for 9 months will not count if you avoid her by leaving her to be raised by your parents without your presence whatsoever.  Ndiye kuli enanu amene mukumangofesa ana mmidzimu ndikumangokana mimba. Wrong. The point? We all need to know the implications of parenthood and prepare for it beforehand; before we get into anything that can get us into parenthood that isn’t well prepared for.

As you can observe, most of us are or will soon be at the point where we have parents to look up to and children looking up to us. We will be presented with a situation in which we need to do some parenting to our children and some childing to our parents. Let us not feel too grown for our parents while learning how best to avail ourselves for our children. Kumafika pakhomo kukuwala kuti ana adzitiona nkhope komanso kumakawaona makolowa.

This article would have been incomplete without the interesting example of parent-child relationship that the nation saw a couple of days ago. Ras Chikomeni David Chirwa, a presidential  candidate who had picked his mother Catherine Kayange as his running mate showed up with his mother by the side  to present his nomination papers at the Chichiri Convention Center. In the midst of the proceedings, the Chair of the electoral body announced that the papers had been rejected because the candidate had not paid the prescribed fee. One would wonder as to whether the mother cum running mate knew about the fact that his son had not paid the fee. In the end, a mother supported his son, who had picked his mother as a running mate for the presidential race despite whatever people said (praising her for her abilities along the way). 

May all your parent-child relationships be like Catherine and Chikomeni’s. Its time to child and its time to parent. Have a wonderful weekend.

Ndikulowera ku COMESA koperekeza adadi kukasiya ma papers.