Dissecting Singleness

 

If your pastor can call for a singles seminar, I think your Friday blogger can too. That’s what I have done today. Violent opening, right? Apologies. Let us get on with it then.

Having drafted last week’s article on Thursday, the 15th of July, I got bored enough to start thinking about our generation. There was a lot going through my ever busy mind when I finally concluded that there is something wrong with all humans that were born after January 1, 1990. Well. Maybe not all. But most. Whatever that was all about, I ended up posting on WhatsApp that it was my strong opinion that people who were born after the said date were a damaged batch.

When I came up with that hasty conclusion, I was probably overdosed with Pemphero Mphande’s Hide my ID stories. A lot of those people who share stories admitting having cheated on their partners are around 27 years of age. Then there are those who are clinging to their toxic partners. The maximum age of those ones is around 31. Then you get to hear a lot of stupid love stories from those who were born after 1998 claiming to be neck deep in love with someone despite the disapproval of their parents. All in all, it is very rare to hear from our counterparts from the 80’s and before. Before you begin punching holes into my arguments here, I should admit that I know that my conclusion was a bit of a hasty generalization. We are very smart and decent in many areas of life and some of us are even managing to have good love lives. It is just that the toxicity of modern-day relationships and marriages from 90s kids and ama2000 can be overwhelming to the extent of making one go for an overkill of a conclusion like the one I made. Are we okay? Let me continue.

When I posted this radical post I got some reactions. Most came in the form of the “what is wrong with us” question from which the conversation was hard to sustain. I however managed to have a long chat with one young lady and it was that chat that got me thinking more about singleness and inspired the writing of this article.

When this lady in question wondered why I was generalizing like that, she wondered if I could point out what is wrong with our generation and with her in particular. I pointed out that it was not my burden to prove that there was something wrong with her but her to counter my assertion by telling me what was right about her. The good lady then went on to lay down her resume which highlighted how she had a good lifestyle and career and I must admit that it was impressive. Then she threw me a curveball; she went on to say that the only wrong thing about her was that she was single which got me wondering how much of a problem such a state is.

I unfortunately did not want to drag the conversation on singleness so I did not get to poke the mind of this good lady on what she thought the main problem with being a free agent is. I however have been single for 25 out of the 28 years of my life so I have a very good idea of what that looks and feels like. I speak for many when I say these things so all of you conservatives will have to bear with me for the abomination you are about to read while liberals will have to forgive me for the exposure. There is no one in between for this.

We will start with the social media. In the picture perfect world we live in, everyone is inclined to show the best parts of their lives off and relationships take centre stage in such displays. I will take you back to the pre-WhatsApp days when people used to spend hours chatting with some imaginary boyfriend or girlfriend in the name of online dating. As soon as cameras started improving, we started posting photos of our girls taken using the Nokia N95 smartphone as a show-off. Then there was the whole issue of posting “I miss you” on each other’s wall just for people to see. Kumaka akuti. When Zuckerberg introduced relationship statuses on the platform, we went on to tag the people we were in a relationship with in our so called statuses. Then came WhatsApp. And then Instagram. And WhatsApp GB. You also know what happened when those apps that put a cat’s ears on an otherwise normal human being came. Our girlfriends tricked into taking those infantile photos just for the fun of it. My point? Everyone wants in on the fun. Camel selfies at Sun and Sand Resort, selfies showing breakfast in bed and its half-naked partakers at Kachere Castle, matching Nikes with bae while at Cockpit. Even those modest pictures at church in choir uniforms. All of us did it. Now that is one problem with singleness. When others are doing it and you are not, the fear of missing out kicks in. I will call it social-media induced loneliness secondary to being single. Humans from the 70s cannot understand it, but it is a serious problem.

One of my closest friends to whom I open up a lot asked me as to how I cope with singleness and I told her that it is a difficult state for me. Call this a weakness, but I will confess here. I am a bit of a loose cannon and being single means being more loose. When there is no first lady to say “we are going to my friend’s wedding” on that Saturday chances are that I will end up in Liwonde eating mang’ina at Azibambo Stopover or at some club at some ungodly hours; just because “the boys” said we could or because I planted the idea. The trend is the same for things like spending and other areas of life. The interesting thing is that I know that there are a lot of us who are in the same boat. We may have a few parts of our life that we treasure a lot. That would be career and religion for me but to be honest it does not make a difference whether I buy groceries on the first day of the month or the 20th. Taking care of the kitchen is not a priority for me and more often than not I need a lady’s whip to arrange my utensils right on whatever you call that thing we put our plates and spoons on. There are ladies who do not know how many shoes and dresses are enough and sometimes all they need is a boyfriend to tell them that having the same design of shoe in black, brown and yellow is a bit of an overkill. There you go then. Singleness comes with a certain level of loss of control for people who cannot handle certain aspects of their life well. May not be a problem for all, but it is a serious issue for some of us. Enanunso kuti muyambe kupita kutchalitchi ndi chibwenzi chinapangitsa.

Can we talk about sex? We need to talk about sex. When I was in final year in college, one lecturer came to teach about antiretroviral drugs. She specifically was talking about a drug called efavirenz and the side effects it has. At the end of the lecture she said something that left the class murmuring. “This is a nasty drug and this is why I will end this class by telling you to use condoms”. Murmurs and laughs. “…because I know it would be unrealistic to tell a 22-year-old to abstain”. Silence. Point? Our generation is starting to have sex early but that is not where it ends. We are also the generation that is settling in marriage relatively late. The problem with this is that we have a long window between sexual debuts and marriage. You know the result so I will not tell you what’s up. Ideally I would have been saying that the problem is that single people are starving (go and find the meaning of Saleta Phiri’s Ili mu Ufa song if you do not get this) but I am afraid the situation is a bit more serious than that. Not a bit more serious. Very serious. Most young people take these periods of singleness as moments of sexual exploration, their defence being that they are not tied to one person at the time. Are you shocked? Welcome to Planet Earth and the year is 2021. That is the third problem with singleness then; others are starving while some are overeating. And who do you think they are having sex with? It is your brother, daughter, boyfriend, wife or anyone you can think of in professional or social circles. Am I overstepping? Maybe. But that is the filthy reality out here. Someone had to say it.

This list will not be exhaustive if it does not include societal pressures that come with singleness. I will use myself as an example again because some of you have been accusing me of writing about you in my blogs. I am 28 and I am the third and last born (probably why I exhibit traits of childishness) in my family. My sister recently had an engagement ceremony after which everyone started looking at me with the “you are next” eyes. The few who could not hold it said it in my face. Now… I am just 28 and I have no idea of what people do with their wives. Think about it… I may marry someone someday if luck permits and vow to be with them forever. Now forever is a long time and I don’t see why anyone should be pushing me into forever at a tender age of 28 or 34. You, however know girls that are being pressured into marriage at the age of 20. Such is our society. I will not say more.

Wrapping up.

I was chatting with a friend who I suspected has recently broken up with her soulmate (you shall know them by their memes) and asking which is better between being single and being taken. Obviously, our opinions differed because while she painted singleness with all the bright colours, I was of the idea that being single is not the best of ideas. Having thought about it more I have come to understand that singleness is a very good state if well managed.

When your pastor calls for a singles seminar, you should attend. If someone gives you a book on single life, take your time to read it. With those, you may come to understand that the challenges which I earlier presented as problems can be managed. It is not so easy considering the external social and biological factors, but they can be managed. Your pastor will tell you not to fornicate and you will curse within you, but he has a good point because what is happening with single people nowadays is beyond comprehension.

I should mention here that I am using the word single loosely and in Zuckerberg’s term. My conservative friend will come in and mention to you (by you I mean ladies) and tell you that you are single until your father walks you down the aisle where you will say I do in front of a man of the collar and the church. And God. Are they wrong? Perhaps they are not. They may even be more right than I am because all they are implying is that we need to be focused and to have pure intentions for our relationships. In the times you are single and ready to mingle, work on yourself so that you can be the right partner when your type shows up. A lot of us out here are just focusing on looking for the right one without paying attention to whether we are the right ones.

CHAPTER 2: HOW TO HANDLE THE TALKING PHASE.

Oh! I should end it here before I turn this into a book.

Have a lovely weekend.