Why you should consider cutting people off

 2022 is finally ending. Like any other last week of the year in the social media age is awash with posts about people cutting people off. Interestingly, this year it is not the usual “I will cut toxic people” posts but rather people looking forward to being cut by their friends who perceive them to be toxic or unproductive. The way I see it, these posts are more of subliminal punches to people who aim at making "cutting people off" not look cool. But what if I told you that you should consider cutting some people off in 2023? Before you crucify me like some people did after I pointed out I would author this article, hear me out.

One thing you should understand from the word go is that cutting people off does not always have to do with them being toxic. Sometimes it is plainly important to have some people out of the inner circles of your life because it is safer to do so. When you think of cutting people, it does not necessarily mean that you should block them on any communication channel. In the context of this article cutting is all about actively managing and reducing the level of contact with people when we feel like it is necessary to do so. I can think of two or three reasons for doing this and I would like to get to them, with the hope that my mind will not wander off leading me into just telling you why I am actively burning some bridges and stepping back from certain connections.

The way I see it, difference is a particularly good reason you should cut certain people off as it can negatively affect your interaction and life. While we may all agree that there is beauty in diversity, differences can be toxic when not well managed. If you are reading this, you may be one of those people who have understood human interaction and as such you are able to put up with someone like me or the abnormal person who was the link between you and this article. However, not everyone is like you and there are people who like to focus on differences than they do on similarities. The differences I am talking about may be in socioeconomic parameters or cultural… or any other sort of differences you can think of, really. As I mentioned, the differences themselves may not be the problem but rather the way they are handled. I will explain.

It is normal that someone who is different from you in a particular aspect can sometimes start a conversation about your differences. However, these conversations need to be started and maintained in a courteous manner. I am happy to answer a few questions about why I do some things a certain way as a Catholic, an academic or as an African but I would not expect to be interviewed for lengthy periods or repeatedly about it. Also, I would expect the conversation to be one that is goal oriented and without any judgemental intonations. You may have those people that will come to you to ask you about why you are not married or why you eat or drink whatever it is that you consume in a manner that is not courteous. If you personally find such chats uncomfortable, it is a sign that you need to sever ties gradually because interactions with such people can be unproductive and draining.

Second on the list is the concept of necessity. Friendships and other forms of human interaction need to be necessary because humans require a lot to be maintained. It is important for you to understand and accept that not every person you have in your life is necessary and that not every person you meet in town should be your friend. In addition to that, we all also need to realize that the fact that some people were needed in our lives at some point does not mean that they are needed now. I will explain.

If you are at the age that allows you to read this, you must have interacted with many people in different settings. At the time, there was something that allowed you to be in the same physical or virtual space and to interact. It may have been school, work, church, a community, or anything but there usually is a reason for two people to get interacting. What I am saying here is that we need to let people go once the reason for our interaction has been taken away. Think of it this way. There are times that you have been served by someone at a supermarket and the interaction may have been good, but you never felt compelled to develop a lasting friendship unless you otherwise did. The idea is that you do not need to continue to interact with the guy you met at the PSI survey in 2013 or your primary schoolmate. This is not 2002 anymore and unless there is something to keep you interacting, let that one go. Before you continue reading, I would like to ask you to delete your ex’s number first. Si m’bale wako ameneuja.

Now to the final thing I can think of. Some people are just bad for business, and they need to be let go. If someone has come to your mind after reading this, it may be time for you to delete their number and move on to the next year without the extra baggage. There are those people who do not add value to our lives. Akabwereka ndalama sabweza. They do not share ideas. They talk behind your back. They hit on your girlfriend. They talk ill about you to people who could potentially give you life-changing opportunities. They want you to pay for all their drinks and meat without returning the favour. They want to gain from you without making an effort to reciprocate. These people got to go. This I will not explain.

Having reached this far, you may realize that I have been taking a hard line in my opinions about unproductive, unnecessary, and draining friendships and interactions. In real life these things may not be as simple as I have explained them. I personally have struggled to let go of people I shouldn’t have even started interacting with in the first place and some of them could be reading this at the moment. All I am saying is that you need to think through this soberly before cutting off people you will need soon.

Another important thing to consider is the idea that friendship is a give and take affair. It is important to think about who benefits from you and how exactly they do so to evaluate whether someone in your circle is a parasite that needs to be cut off. There will be situations when you may want to let someone go because all they do is take from you when in the real sense what is happening is that they just do not have anything to give you. Sometimes you must give people time and allow yourself to learn what they can give because what they can give you may not be a material resource. If you interact with a person enough, you will be able to know whether they are in your life to use you or not. Pay attention to the signs. If you have that friend who always reaches out to you when they need a quick 5K which you struggle to get back, now is a wonderful time to start slowly offloading them.

Here is another one. At the end of the day, we all need to evaluate and think about who a friend is, who is an acquaintance and who is neither. Knowing such will help us fractionate the people into categories and allow us to treat each accordingly. Not everyone you know deserves that daily and intimate conversation or space in your phone contacts and Facebook friend list. We need to meet some of these people where we meet them and leave it at that. If you meet at work, leave your interaction to work because if you start giving each other soft loans or trying to convert each other to some denomination… If they are in your life as spiritual leaders, do not try to tempt them with alcohol or sex. Mugwetsa nazo anthu a Chauta and you will destroy the essence of your interaction. Sometimes the reason for keeping a contact may be as silly as the need for seeing memes. Do not get carried away.

Another big struggle that I have personally had is the issue of letting people who have been there for me go. There have been times when I felt alienated by the very people who have put every effort to see me where I am today. On one hand I wanted to continue to force the relationship while on the other I wanted to let go because I felt unwanted. Eventually I had to convince myself that these people would do just fine without me and let go of the little thread of connection I was holding on to. Now that I think about it, I was probably cut off deliberately after I had done or become something. All I am saying is that it is important to have the courage to let go of even the people who have been to hell and back for us in our hour of need whenever it is necessary to do so.

The last piece of advice? Keep your friend list manageable because you cannot be there for everyone every time. On the other hand, you can be there for some people sometimes or all the time depending on how close you are. Having many friends may leave you stretched as you try your best to be everything for everyone and that comes with some emotional drain and a feeling of insufficiency and guilt. It took me a long time to learn this, but ever since I learnt it I shrunk the list of the contact numbers in my phone from 1400 to just 600 in one sitting. Guess what? No one complained. You may want to do what I did if you do not mind having less than 50 status update views, because half the people in your contact list will do just fine even if they are not there.

I could go on and on about this, but I think at this point you get the idea of what I am saying. I have made a personal choice to let go of people who do not handle our differences well. This is not because I want to elevate myself, but the fear of damaging what is left of our connection. I will not be out here entertaining a conversation when someone aggressively comes at me, asking why I am not married and making copies of myself because I fear I may just ask them why they left school after writing JCE if that is what they did. You know what would happen if I did that so I will try my best to keep away. Primary and secondary school mates? If we were not talking, then they should not expect us to talk now and they should be ok if I do not remember sharing food with them at break time. If you get my contact for some business, keep it business. Tisayambe zina to avoid unnecessary confusions. Here is one last kicker, though. I have learnt to accept that at one point I may be the toxic one and people may need to cut me off. I leave whenever I feel unwanted and so should you. Osamakakamiza chinzake.

So is this about cutting ties with people because a 2 has magically turned into a 3 on the calendar? I think it goes beyond that. This is about active friendship management. Not every person you meet at the groove, at church or wherever you go deserves a place in your life and if some are already there, you need to figure out a way of getting rid of them. 

Happy New Year! And go delete your ex's number. I know you didn't when I said it the first time and your excuse was that you wanted to finish the article.

Ndatukwana?

 

Through a Clouded Lens

 I know. You thought Richie Online was dead. Well. It is not. Among the reasons you did not have Friday pieces over the past few months was that I was a bit too tied sorting out the other parts of my life to an extent that I lost the drive to share what was going on in my head. The other reason? I may not have been in a good headspace. When inn such situations, the articles tend to be a bit more negative and not worthwhile. Here we are, then, with a return article and hope that we will return to normal services soon.

A few days ago I found myself having an interesting conversation with an old friend from college on Facebook. Here is how it had started. I had posted about the Commonwealth Shared Scholarships being out and my willingness to share some winning tips to candidates that were applying for the same. This good friend of mine commented on the post with a question on whether these scholarship things I often talk about come with any money. Stupid question, right? You may think so, but apparently it was not. I will explain.

We all know scholarships involve someone or some organization paying money towards your education and that with the Commonwealth scholarship go as far as giving you an allowance for winter clothing. You didn’t know about the winter clothing thing, right? I only got to know it last year, of course. Long story short, there is money involved and a reasonable chunk of it goes directly into your pocket. What my good friend was asking was whether this money was enough for us to be making noise in the name of encouraging others to apply for opportunities that will allow them to study outside the country, when the people could have the alternative of staying at home and making money through work and the different side hustles. I also need to mention that this guy runs several businesses apart from being a medical professional.

Looking at the question, I realized that what he was asking was not about whether he would get money from a scholarship opportunity. What he was asking was whether the money he would get from studying abroad was worth leaving his businesses and jumping on an iron bird to pick up an intensive postgraduate program in Glasgow or Newcastle. If you were to ask me that question, the answer I would give you would be heavily dependent on who you are, what you do and what your dreams are. Having gone through a master’s program under a scholarship and started my doctoral studies with full funding, I can clearly say that it is worth it. I would say this with full confidence because I am a career academic whose long-term goals are firmly attached to academic achievements. If you are the sort of guy who thinks working for someone is a scam and would like to retire from working for someone at 38, perhaps this is not the thing for you.

Having had this conversation with my friend’s life and aspirations in mind, I was reminded of how our own lives, goals and aspirations affect the way we interact with others. When I got a scholarship to study for my master’s degree in London, I could not help but succumb to the cultural shock that I found. Interestingly, I found life to be way better on this side of the Mediterranean than back home to the extent that I was determined to find something to do here to extend my stay. The worsening socioeconomic conditions back home just cemented my decision and somewhat, somehow I have ended up back in the UK after a short stint at home. I hope to stay here for a bit longer while pushing things on the academic end. When I think about the life I have enjoyed over the past 12 months because of the scholarship I had, I cannot wish anyone anything than to enjoy the same privilege I have enjoyed. If I see a friend who has the potential of getting a scholarship, something within me will push me to preach the gospel of scholarships until they are submitting. It all comes from a place of love although it may sound as pestering to others.

 

If you think about the way feel about scholarships and how vocally I speak about them, you will not be surprised to see that there are others who also loudly advocate for business. People will tell you that a salary is not sustainable and you need to have multiple streams of income. The toxic ones will go on to mock salary earners by calling the salary a bribe that people give their employees to yoke them into making more money for the employer. While some of these messages may sometimes come with negative intonations, I would like to believe that they also come from a place of love. Someone must have had multiple sources of income and enjoyed the financial independence such a status brought. They were not going to keep that to themselves so they shared. The sharing came because they felt compelled to do so, and it was all for a good reason.

The thought about my noise with scholarships and business triggered memories from early on in life. Several times I have had to sit down with people who were going door to door preaching the message of Jesus Christ. They would start with the general stuff but in the end you would clearly see that the end goal would be to convert you to their church despite the fact that you tell them you are devoted to your own denomination. I have encountered these evangelists from a young age through college to the recent years. Looking at the conviction of these people, you can tell that they actually believe that as a Catholic I am destined for hell… and that the only way to heaven is their church which is somewhere in Chilobwe. Again, it is their belief which somewhat comes from a place of love although there would be others who would be annoyed by continual visits and invitations.

Perhaps we should take a turn you didn’t think this article would take and talk about the fresh elections. In the thick of the campaign, the country was divided into two. The other camp was for the incumbent Democratic Progressive Party and the other for the challenging Tonse Alliance. The latter were so convinced that the incumbent were so evil and leading Malawi to its deathbed. Supporters of the then ruling party had little to say in the way of convincing us why the electorate needed to give them another mandate. With the social media all over, we used to have “us vs them” debates in which people would easily label each other as people who did not wish the country well for supporting the other party. We labelled each other with the silliest tags at the time, but I guess all that also came from a place of love for Mother Malawi albeit with a bit of toxicity. I will park this right there and not push the narrative any further, but I guess you get my point.

I would like to share a story that I copied from some page on the internet. You probably have read it before but here it goes.

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. “That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?” The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

The Facebook conversation triggered a lot of memories about how we lack objectivity when looking at the lives. Time and again we unnecessarily measure the success and trajectory of others using our personal standards that may or may not apply to them. Like the woman in the short story above, we tend to look at other people’s lives through the clouded and tinted lenses of our upbringing, beliefs and aspirations. This may in turn affect the way we treat others and interact with them, but should it?

I will let you decide what lessons you will pick from this piece because I am not in the position to prescribe anything as it may just be a product of the way I was raised. Enjoy the weekend. And yes. I am alive and well. 

Dichotomy

 It is a Good Friday. For the first time in many weeks I have decided to force myself to write a full length Richie Online article have written and deleted a lot of half-length articles between the last time I wrote and now.

A lot has been happening since the last time I wrote. I could talk about many things to drive the point of this article home but I will choose to dwell on two events. Stay with me.

On February 24, Vladmir Putin, the leader of Russia announced that the Russian military was going to conduct a special military operation in Ukraine, leading to a full blown invasion which has led to the loss of over 1700 lives. When the war started, there were a lot of opinions flying around in the social media with some people blaming the Ukrainian president for the escalation. Inevitably, some sided with Ukraine and called Putin all sorts of names for starting a war in Ukraine. Some put up Ukrainian flags and Vladmir Putin to openly show their allegiances in the war. Others went on to write long essays on why they supported which side although I must admit that most of these narratives left a lot to be desired. I will leave it at that.

Then came March 27. People who were watching the 94^th Academy awards were left in an awkward situation when the unimaginable happened. Will Smith, who was attending the ceremony got out his seat, stormed the stage and slapped comedian Chris Rock who was about to present an award at the ceremony. The reason? Chris had cracked a joke about Will’s wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith’s bald head. The husband who had appeared to be initially laughing at the joke later went violent, assaulted the comedian before returning to his seat and telling him to keep his wife’s name out of his mouth. Interesting stuff.

When this assault happened, social media was again divided into two. Some thought that Will Smith did the right thing. The wise humans in this camp argued that as a man he was responsible for protecting his spouse, a point which Jada later argued against by saying she is not the kind of woman that needs to be protected. Others went on to say that comedians need to be held responsible for what they say on the stage and that Will was right to make that statement with the slap. Others argued that this was comedy and should have been treated as such. And then there were points for the protection of comedians and what have you. The argument raged on until the next scandal made us forget that Will Smith had slapped someone on stage at the Oscars.

There we are then. Two issues that are very different but attracted a similar pattern of reactions in the social media. Both issues divided opinions and one could have picked a side and raised some somewhat objective points on why they picked whoever they were supporting in the frenzy. People got into heated arguments to the extent of ruining friendships and interactions with others in their arguments on these issues. I stand with Ukraine. I stand with Putin. I stand with Chris Rock. I stand with Will Smith. These were the things people typed while at Chigoneka, which I do not have any issues with, by the way. The issue I have is the thought process that led to the conclusions, in those who cared to share.

For starters, some of the people who took sides in these issues failed to acknowledge the possibility of their side playing a part in the unfortunate situation that followed. If you think about the Russo-Ukrainian war and the history of the two countries, there is a lot that has been going on. For you to understand what is going on that side, the base minimum you can do is to read up on what is going on that side since 2014 although this goes further back in history. When you look deeper, you will notice that the conflict is not just about Putin and Zelensky or Ukraine and Russia. There are a lot of factors at play which some either have not bothered to check with or have chosen to deliberately ignore in their thought process. The slap issue? People have chosen to ignore the concept of comedy, the health issues entangled in the joke, the implications of violence in public and all sorts of things in their arguments. All I am saying is that these issues are complex and one needs to be careful before picking a side. It is okay to pick no side in the same way it is okay to condemn both.

Then there is the issue of the pathological urge to pick a side. In as much as the war in Ukraine will somewhat affect everyone on this rock, I personally understand why someone in Kabwe, Zambia should be emotionally invested in convincing the other that Putin is a friend of Africa based on some history post he read on Facebook or that NATO are doing Ukraine favors based on what they saw on CNN. I think we could do better with our time and energy, because these are things that do not concern us and have not direct implications on our lives. The slap? Not even close to us. While we may be in the aliyense azipanga zomwe zamusangalatsa season and while we may love to intellectually dissect issues, I think we may be better off spending our time talking about issues closer to home. Maganizo anga, eti?

I would like to talk about arguing from a point of information and not from ignorance. We live in a complex century which some have dubbed as the “Information Age”. Whoever controls the information roaming around controls the world, to an extent and as such it is important to understand what is going on from a neutral perspective before picking a side in anything. It is important to note the biases that media outlets and other sources of information have. For those who like international news, I can give the obvious example of the CNN and FOX News. When you watch the two channels, you will notice that they report the same stories from different perspectives with one favoring Democrats and the other Republicans. Everything from the reporting style, selection of discussants and interviewees and other things is done along party affiliation lines. The same is the pattern when you look at other news channels which also pedal nationalist agendas. This is important because when you look at the news from whichever source, you need to sieve out the information and discard the propaganda. This, unfortunately is a skill that is lacking in many in a world where click-bait journalism is taking root.

I could write on, but in summary here is the issue. A lot of things will happen in this world but we will need to pick which ones we need to be emotionally invested in, because not all of them are worth it. Sometimes it is ok to not pick a side and to be silent about issues. It saves a lot of energy and time. For the times that we feel that urge to chip in, I recommend doing some research to avoid exposing your ignorance voluntarily. lastly, some issues are complex. Although it may seem like there are two sides at play, there may be multiple factors influencing what we are seeing in the media or wherever else. Some things are never in black and white but in numerous hues of grey. We need to understand that it is okay to not pick a side or to stand with anyone when things do not directly concern us.

Have a blessed Good Friday.

 

That Semi-formal Chat

 For some reason Monday happened to be Valentine’s Day. The usual things happened which meant that people bought each other flowers that were nicely laced with chocolates and fruits. Those that received plastic flowers are still enjoying the sight despite frowning at the fact that they did not receive fresh flowers while those that received fresh ones have thrown them away. Gentlemen. Did she get the right size of Wave zone slippers and stockings this time around? I hope she did. If she went extra and bought you some fancy gift, lucky you.

I am not sure as to how this conversation started but a friend of mine was telling me how he had received a Happy Valentine’s Day from a fellow member of the Homo sapiens species. This friend of mine may not be the kind that identifies as homophobic, but he sure would hate it if I woke up one morning and sent him a “hi dear” text. Here is the thing. Such messages feel weird for the likes of us traditional humans who find it to write the “dear” in an email salutation whatever the gender of the recipient. In short, I could relate with how it felt for him to get such a text.

Being the naturally curious person I am, I was bound to enquiring more on why this person was so invested in the relationship with this friend of mine who I would have called an idiot if I was not typing a Richie Online article. It turns out, this friend of mine happens to hold a significant position at the company he works at. At some point he happened to be at some garage at Biwi or whichever dusty place he happened to be in trying to get his twin-cab fixed when he got to bump into this young man in question. After exchanging pleasantries, the two had realized that they were in the same trade and there were possibilities that they could offer each other employment or services or whatever it could be. Somehow they ended up exchanging numbers and that is where the trouble began.

Apparently our aspiring junior, upon getting the prospective employer’s contact decided to go all out with daily reminders on how he was qualified and could somehow fit the profile of the employee my friend’s company needed. Those messages were laced with all sorts of seasonal messages for things that this weird human I call a friend doesn’t celebrate. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Chinese New Year. Happy Veterans Day. Now Happy Valentine’s Day. I understand some of you wish your parents a Happy Valentine’s Day on WhatsApp statuses they will not see but a fellow man wishing you a happy Valentine’s day counts as weird for most of the guys reading this. Turns out this guy has been towing this line to get a job all along he has used every opportunity to wish this friend a good morning, good day, nice lunch and good night. That had me wondering if there are some unwritten rules for communicating with senior people who can offer opportunities.

Earlier this year I got a friend request from a young man who happened to introduce himself as a student in some medical school. We exchanged a few pleasantries and I asked how school was going before he asked me how work was. I happened to mention that I am also doing school beyond the Mediterranean and we talked some more. Then I was hit with a curveball. The young man asked me for help with his medical equipment. Was that expected? Yep. Did I expect it on the first chat? Nope. Considering that I am not the sort of guy you call an influencer, I feel like this guy should have given it time and chatted with me a little more to see if I was the right person to approach for such but I think he can be forgiven for that. What he can’t be forgiven for, however is that he asked specifically for the high end Littman cardiology stethoscope. I checked on Amazon and the cheapest I could find was going at an equivalent of a little over ninety thousand in Malawi Kwacha. Someone asked for that on our first interaction on social media. I will get back to this.

Time and again we are confronted with the reality that we need to have an unconventional approach to life and to do things differently because the world is not operating in the same way it was a couple of years back. If you are looking for a job nowadays, looking in the papers or wherever people look for job openings nowadays may not be the best idea because every job opening attracts 300 applications. If you have the opportunity to interact with potential employers, perhaps it may be important for you to use that to pitch why you are a fit for their organization. I have had some nights where I marketed myself to potential employers on a wild drinking night with varying levels of success and results. All in all, I know there are some two people who know my skills and would contact me from time to time to ask for my availability when putting out an opening because of a chat we had outside work circles. I may not be the model for this, but I think there are a few things that we need to pay attention to when approaching people in situations like these.

Firstly, the introduction. When you meet senior people whose help you may need later, the first thing is to tell them who you are, what you do, what you can do and show them why they should continue to be in a conversation with you. Whether you are doing this in person, on social media or through an email, it is important to state your name, qualifications and your experience. You also need to chuck in a bit of how you knew the person in question and how they inspired you with their work so you don’t give them an image that you are clueless. Important humans do not like conversations with clueless people. Talking of names, if you are pulling a social media connect, you might want to check that the name on your account doesn’t look like that of an extraterrestrial creature. On the introduction, present your profile, but also take some time to listen to what the person you are approaching has to say. It is important to not play the know it all or to oversell yourself.

Then there is the issue of maintaining a conversation. Once the connection has been established, there is a need to exercise caution when maintaining contact. If there are some agreed timelines at which you agreed to do something, make sure you do it within the same. If they agreed to do something by a specific date, send courteous reminders. There should be nothing in between these conversations. No useless “Hi” on their WhatsApp and no Happy World Groundnuts Day. If you are looking for a job, make your intentions clear but do not appear desperate to the point where you get to be annoying. Keep everything professional.

There comes a point when we ask for help from other people with more knowledge and experience on different issues. The idea behind asking for advice is for us to get more information that can help us make sound decisions and advice is meant to be taken or disregarded. However, when getting advice or tips, you should limit your responses to nodding in agreement even if you do not agree with what your advisor is saying. Arguing and bringing alternative perspectives has no place in that conversation for you. Don’t argue when people you go to for advice are talking to you.

There we are then. Time and again we are presented with the opportunity to interact with different people in positions of influence. If you were to be in the same room with Dr Laz for other things, perhaps it may not be a good idea for you to talk about how he is running the country and provide unsolicited opinions on the same. There is a time, setting and context for every connection you have. Keep professional things professional and social things social. Eeetu. 

Happy Friday!

Four Months In

 About 4 months ago I jumped on an Ethiopian bird at the Chileka so called International Airport and disappeared into the sunset. The destination? The UK. Pa boma. London, the capital of the world. I was venturing into the unknown having never been to the UK before. This time I was to be away for a year, pursuing further education. There was a lot of anxiety about whether I, a boy from a rural district called Chiradzulu was going to find my footing in what is one of the largest metropolitan areas in the world. 4 months down the line, I have lived and thrived to tell the tale.

A bit of context. Prior to coming to the UK, I had two options of where to study. Interestingly enough, the options came in the form of two cities that are very different from one another: London and Bristol. London is London. You know it and you have heard of it. Big city. 10 million people. Fast-paced life. Tall skyscrapers. Red buses. When you breathe London oxygen, they take a pound from your account, according to the memes. Bristol on the other hand is a relatively small city on the south western coast of England and is not as big and expensive as London. When I thought about daily life, Bristol seemed to be the better option for me. I mean, I am from Chiradzulu and I find Lilongwe confusing. Probably not a good idea to put such a simpleton in London, right? When I thought about the bigger picture and the skills I needed to get, however, London seemed to have the better course. So I settled for the big one.

The moment I took the opportunity to study in London I knew that I would be in for a shocker. For starters, the UK is very different from Malawi and going to live anywhere on this rock was going to be associated with a huge cultural shift. Then there is the London factor. Going to the biggest city of them all in the UK proved to be a big thing. For some time I was going to be in this place getting an education. It was going to be a challenge and fun at the same time, but I did not realize the full extent of the challenge and fun.

In the first few weeks I was here, I could not help but marvel at the level of organization and order. I am talking about the basic things like cleanliness of the streets and parks, conservation efforts, public transport, town planning and many other things. One can easily appreciate the efforts that were put in to make this city sustainable for the foreseeable future. The interesting thing for me is that the things I have come to appreaciate about living in the UK have little to nothing to do with all that man-made hibber jabber. First is the weather. While I thought I would struggle too much with the cold, it turns out that I like it. The few windshields I bought to adapt set me back a fortune but at the end of the day, the weather is just fine and fosters productivity. Then there is the fact that there are no mosquitoes. You may think of this as something funny but sleeping with a window open (I do that) with no need for a mosquito net is a very big thing for me. I love this place for it.

Prior to my departure, I had conversations with people who had lived and studied in London to ask for tips on how to make it in this place. These were to do with the basics of life; how to find good and affordable accommodation, good phone networks, how to handle transportation, academics, shopping and many other things. These chats offered a lot of good tips and gave me a picture of what to expect in the big city. Accompanying the tips were useful recommendations on what to do upon getting here. Interestingly enough, when I came to the place I realized how diverse people’s experiences of this city can be and how everyone needs to figure out how they are going to live in this metropolis.

As I mentioned and as some of you may probably have heard, London is a very expensive city to live in. From my experience, I think the city is very expensive because the cost of accommodation is just too much. The interesting thing is that what you can use to pay for a room that is just comfortable with all the necessary amenities would be money that you can use to pay for a decent house in Area 49 Dubai or Chilomoni Fargo. For twice or three times as long. When I got into this place, I was quickly reminded of how I needed to stop converting the price of everything I was buying to Malawi Kwacha. If you want to travel to a different country too, you will realize that the first time you travel you cannot help it but convert every time you buy anything. As you adapt, however, you need to move from that to thinking, planning and budgeting in the currency of the place you are in.

Then there is the food. When I was looking at my accommodation options, I chose a housing option that offers food. My reasoning was that school was going to be busy and I was probably not going to find time to be cooking. That was a risk in itself because I was not sure of what kind of food the cafeteria in the place was going to be serving. It later turned out that the dinner they serve is a mixture of English, Italian and Indian cuisine. Not bad, if you are to ask me. When I was leaving a bunch of people asked me if I had taken some ufa and matemba. Turns out I did not carry some with me knowing my catering arrangements. On the other hand, however, I am wondering if I would have taken some if I had secured self-catering accommodation. My reasoning for not taking such would be that coming here would be an opportunity to experience aspects of other cultures including food. Way I see it, one year is not too long a period to be eating what Indians, Italians, Brits, Greeks, Japs and everyone else calls food. At least for me, anyway. 4 months without eating nsima and I kind of am still okay. The only times I miss it are the times that some of you uncultured humans post nsima with usipa ofutsa on your WhatsApp status updates. Y’all should stop that.

I get fascinated by the questions I get from home. Some of these questions are from people who have lived on this side of the planet, checking if I am living a life similar to theirs or one they expect me to live. Have you been to such a place? How are you finding everything? Have you been to the Pump Handle Bar and the clubs in Brixton? Then there is the next set of questions from people who have no idea of what setting I am in. What time is it that side? (Easy to find on Google). Are there churches there? Did you manage to find a good house? What kind of food are you eating? Have you been to the Emirates Stadium yet? All these are questions you need to answer with a certain level of patience I never knew I had before I came here.

Being in London offers a certain kind of access to things that people outside the place cannot access. You walk around and find shops for each major company or chain of shops you have heard of. Daily, you are offered the option of buying the latest and authentic gadgets, clothes and sneakers. These are things that you can afford to spare some money and buy. On the other hand, you need to have some discipline to thrive because you get to see offers of top range things going at unbelievable prices every day. If you are not careful, you may end up spending all your lunch money on cell phones and smart watches.

Overall, my first four months in London have been a wonderful experience. Given what I have been through, I would pick London again over any other city in the UK for the experience it offers. I have heard other people say that if you can live in London, you can live anywhere and while I may not agree fully, I think they have a good point. This place offers a lot in quality of life and opportunities given the right skills. It is just a maze with 10 million people brisk walking in different directions to do different things and that is what makes it a good place to study and live. In 4 months, I have graduated from getting repeatedly lost in some places to being the person non-Londoners ask for directions. Progress.

What was I on about then? Any lessons from this post? Probably none. I just wanted to let things out like I do once in a while. If you want me to squeeze a lesson out of this, then what I can say is that you need to travel. Get to see what other people in other cultures do. Eat their food and have a go at speaking their language. If they dance, join in too. That may give you some insights of why we are where we are as a nation and possibly instil in you some holy anger that you may need to move things forward.

One may ask. Do you miss Malawi? I am not answering that question. At least not now. 

The so-called "Violence"

 It is a Friday so we will get on with it.

January 9, 2022. The time is 7:19 am. It is still too dark to be up for many on this part of this rock you call planet earth but I am up already. Having taken a break from whatever made me leave bed early, I go to Facebook where I type.

“I come to Facebook to read original content. There is something about people who share pieces of their mind on different issues. No recycled memes or regurgitations of opinions of their favourite social media influencer. I love unapologetic content. The sort of stuff brittle souls call violent content.

That being said, ine munthu oti amangobwera pamudzi pano kumazapanga post ma pictures opanda ma caption sangandiuze chochita.”

Remember this quote because I will come back to it.

The next page I visit is the Nation Publications Limited because I need to catch up with what’s happening ku Mpanje before I go on to read entertainment gossip on Mikozi and interesting stories on Pemphero Mphande’s page (you people are doing weird things). And did I say Pemphero Mphande?

A couple of weeks ago I was on that page. It must have been a Wednesday because that is when the page gets flooded with stories from ladies. One particular lady was in Pemphero’s inbox asking him to post a story so that she could try to look for the needle of advice in the haystack of mean comments. Her issue? The boyfriend, of course. It is always the boyfriend. I cannot remember the exact issue, but it probably is something about cleanliness. The guy is not taking care of himself. She is afraid of talking to him because she fears it may hurt his feelings. Or is it ego? Whatever. Semantics.

I happen to drop comments on Mr Mphande’s page from time to time so I throw away my mean personality and offer some advice. The advice? “Sometimes feelings need to be hurt before some people can seriously change their attitude enough to change their actions and habits. You need to tell him things as they are.” I probably didn’t comment exactly as reported but you get the idea. Probably didn’t throw away my mean personality too.

Time to get to today’s issues.

When I wrote about original content on Facebook of January 9, I did not expect a lot of engagement from people on the post. I was to get the shocker of my life because people came from all sorts of corners. Their comments? I was being violent. The interesting bit was their argument for labelling my post as violent, the last bit of the post. “That being said, ine munthu oti amangobwera pamudzi pano kumazapanga post ma pictures opanda ma caption sangandiuze chochita.” “I cannot take people who just come online to post pictures without captions seriously.” Most but a few seriously found a problem with that and chose to ignore the essence of the post which was encouraging the responsible use of Facebook for the pursuit of knowledge and alternative opinions. All they picked out was the vayolensi, which I am told is different from violence in ways no one can explain coherently. Story for another day.

Of late people have labelled my posts on the social media as violent and while I do not agree with that connotation, I will admit that I do some of these things by design. The reason is the same one I commented when I was offering to the lady who asked Mr Mphande and the followers of his page for advice. Sometimes people only pay attention to things when you have touched a nerve.

Those of you who like me were raised by disciplinarians for parents may relate to this. Whenever you went on the wrong side of the household’s set of both written and unwritten rules you would get verbal and physical torture. That helped to keep you in check. The problem nowadays is that we have watered down the language we use to communicate whenever people are in the wrong. As a result, we struggle to tell people that what they have done is stupid whenever we need to out of fear of hurting other people’s feelings. Before you go flat out and lose teeth over this, I am not telling you to go around calling people stupid, but you need to call people out for doing stupid things whenever it is due. It helps you. It helps them.

The two-sided problem we have nowadays is that we are increasingly getting softer for one reason or the other. I am not sure if we are following this western way of too much tact and diplomacy that is making us fail to even ask for money people owe us for the sake of preserving friendship. We have people who are afraid of telling others what is going on and giving them honest feedback. We are also people who are not ready to take negative feedback positively. The result is that we are just a bunch of 30-year-old babies walking on eggshells; people whose main priority is to avoid hurting others’ feelings. We are always heaping praise on each other even for doing the wrong things. We can’t rebuke each other when in the wrong. Remember the last time someone sat you down to tell you what you did was wrong? Some of you may say it has been a minute and that is one of the reasons we may be getting softer as a generation. I fear for our children.

Having said all that, I am inclined to think that I have some clever solutions to this problem and the first one is that we all need to be exposed to some sort of trolling. Every single one of you needs to join and to be active on Twitter and that will exponentially increase your chances of meeting bullies who will remind you that you have flaws, and you are not special. Of course, I am joking. Not everyone can handle Twitter and the mean community called Twitter Malawi, but that may be a start for some of you.

For most of you, I would prescribe mentorship. You need to make a deliberate effort to find someone who can give you honest feedback about what you are doing. This may be someone older or senior, but it must be someone wise, knowledgeable, and experienced enough to talk some sense into you. The reason I am suggesting this is that most of you who are just moving out of your parents’ homes to start your own lives are now losing the connection with parents and with that the vital feedback you need to live an upright life. We are a generation of people that are becoming slaves to their own freedom and that is why we need figures that can slap the sense into us whenever we stray. Listen to parents, guardians and older siblings. When they have the knowledge, let them give you the feedback and do not just go when you feel like you are doing the right things. Let them know when you mess up too. So that they can shout at you and hammer some sense into you.

Another one? Pick your friends right. You need to have those people that can tell you to stop things whenever they are headed the wrong way. This whole thing of kumangoipatsa moto when our friends are doing the wrong things does not help anyone. I remember having been sat down by a friend who questioned my spending habits then. I hated him for it because I thought he did not have the right to say it (I started kupanga zondisangalatsa before it was cool), but when I think about it today, his advice saved me a lot. You need to have those friends you can tell that clubbing four weekends a month is not the way to go and those you can listen to when your promiscuous habits are questioned. Kumaletsana. Kumadzudzulana. It helps. Don’t be afraid to tell your spouse of what they are doing wrong for fear of hurting their feelings.

That being said, I am all against this whole soft talking and heavily censored kind of conversations. I encourage the use of raw opinions and feedback to instill change. I have lost a couple of friends to brutal honesty, and I know I will keep losing some. I have learnt to appreciate the people who sit me down and tell me that what I am doing is wrong although I may not admit it on a normal sunny day. The thing is just that I do not believe that we can push ourselves to greater heights if we continue this eggshell walking and shy away from giving each other uncomfortable pieces of advice or feedback.

In 2021 we were calling people out using memes which were captioned in ways that told people to wear the cap if it was fitting. I don’t think that took us anywhere. People do not make firm decisions to move out of their comfort zones when they are laughing. Memes do not cut it. Soft and kind words do not cut it. You need to turn the heat up a notch and use some brutally honest words to bring the desired effect. Others call it violence and for purposes of this article I will join the bandwagon. Nowadays we should just go flat out and call people out using our own words and in our own handwriting. If it is a spade, unapologetically call it a spade. Do not call it a shovel.

I will be using kind words sparingly this year because my general observation is that they make people soft.

Good luck being in my circle.  

 

On Cheating

 

It is another Friday.

I was halfway through an article on communicating the 2022 way when I remembered two things. 

1. The last two articles were about 2022. 

2. The topic of relationships has been neglected on this blog for some time at a time when people are misbehaving around relationships. Here to share some somewhat unpopular opinions. 

You may not agree with some of these things, but read on. This is the year of alternative wisdom.

Wednesday, January 12, 2022 was dubbed the day of the MG2. For those of you who live under information-deprived rocks or those of you who generally are not vascularized enough to be getting what goes on in Malawi, there were two clips (and I have seen a third one) that were in circulation. According to the narratives, one was of a man who was caught by his wife while driving with his mistress. The wife’s reaction? Fighting the mistress. Other trigger happy humans thought it might be time to break out their Itel S16 and shoot some grainy video of what was happening. Second clip? A fight between an MG2 and MG3. A side chick caught a side chick with the man’s car and caused a scene. But you probably know this already having seen the clips.

I think this is a good point to start today. Time and again we hear stories of cheating. In most cases, it is men who are doing the most in this field but a female friend of mine told me that that balance is rapidly and dangerously shifting as women are increasingly getting into cheating. The issue of cheating deserves its own article but I am here to initiate a discussion on the reaction to cheating. Time and again we hear about incidents of cheating because of the way people react to them, and I am wondering if we are handling these issues well.

You catch your spouse cheating. This is someone you have been dating for that past couple of years. Your families know about your relationship and you have already contacted the tailor (or designer as they prefer to be called these days) and paid the deposit for your engagement outfit. With the date for chinkhoswe already fixed you hear that he or she is with another person at Balotelli Lodge. You want to rush there to catch them pants down. I think that may be a fair reaction. But do you have to grab a gang of your friends and tell them to take pictures and videos of your loved one naked? Say you found some suspicious chats. Do you take screenshots and send them out on social media?

Of late we have seen a lot of people exposing their partners’ cheating behaviours. In one clip that was in circulation last year, a naked woman is seen pleading with people to stop taking photos and videos of what was going on. Apparently she was caught with another man in a cheap lodge. A married woman. His husband showed up with his boys and who took what can be likened to a video of the ordeal. Sources, however, have it that the two people made up and are back to their lovey doveys. Remember the Area 30 scandal? I shouldn’t go into that. My point is that when we feel like someone is cheating on us, it is good to leave silently and move on to the next one without making a scene. We are sharing too much in these relationships; things that are bound to bring us together. You do not want to be back with someone you punched in the face. You don’t want to go back to a photoshoot with someone whose conversations you exposed. Back to the person whose nudes you leaked? How does that reflect on you? Even if you are not coming back, you do not need to tape anything. Put that phone back in your pocket, because we are not interested.

While we are on the same issue of cheating, some of you need to learn how to make firm decisions about your cheating partners. He cheats for the 8^th time with the 5^th girl and you still take him back. “He is a good man and he loves me. Anangolakwitsa”. Kupusa. Do you know kuti nafenso timakufuna and we are planning on being faithful? DO you even know that relationships are meant to be enjoyed as opposed to being endured? Men who are seeing red flags all over but not doing anything about it… Is everything okay? Mwamva zoti munthuyu ndiwagulu. What are you doing about it? Learn to make these tough decisions. These things you call love can be explained in terms of chemical reactions when we go on the deeper end of the pool of science. Oxytocin is the chemical that makes you feel butterflies and what not. I guess all I am saying is that you need to know when to walk out.

A couple of months ago there was a hot debate about an article written by Edith Gondwe who bashed ladies who trouble their men for money. Interestingly, that debate has refused to die. On the male side, people have argued that azimayi akupempha kwambiri; asking for expensive things and almost living off relationships. Women, on the other hand argued that they are meant to be provided. Interestingly, there came one statement that advised men to be courting women that they can afford. Some have wondered why we have gotten to a point where women want to be afforded and not to be loved. Love does not pay bills, some would say. But are relationships supposed to be a source of money for paying for bills? We could go on and on, but that would not solve the underlying problem. Let’s dissect.

Relationships have gotten complicated nowadays. With this whole “sex first, relationship later” mess we have gotten ourselves into, most people find themselves in situationships where people end up having transactional sex. If your think I am exaggerating, go to Pemphero Mphande’s page and read about the girl who tricked his boyfriend’s friend into getting a relationship with her because he was generous while her boyfriend was stingy. The man we used to call chidyamakanda was later named sugar daddy and now wears an almost canonized name of blesser.

Here is the thing about a blesser. The typical one has a proper family; wife and children. He is out there chasing some young girl that he will not marry. Wanna know why they accept him? Because of what he offers. He brings money that you, a 27-year-old handsome beard farmer cannot bring. When she asks you for an internet bundle you tell her that you will see and switch your data off. The blesser? When she asks for a bundle she buys her an iPhone. The end result is that there are some who have taken relationships as a means of earning a living. When this man spends that much, e wants something in return. You know what I mean. This brought in an interesting argument when the debate about Edith’s article. Some women told men off, saying that if they want peace, they should stop chasing these slay queens. The slay queen has no other thing to gain so it they want to go with them, they might as well accept that they will be paying the price. Fair point? I don’t know. All I am saying is that we cannot continue like this. And shall we stop sugar coating things please? Blesser? Side chick? Why don’t we call these people what we used to call them in the 80s? I wasn’t there in the 80s but you know what I mean.

Back to the issue of these relationships you call automatic. A guy is out there telling people that he has a girl. They probably slept together a couple of times prior leading the guy into thinking they are together. He probably spends on her too. Somewhere else the girl is out denying, saying he is just a friend. You’ve never heard of that, right? Me neither, but I am sure it has happened somewhere although in most cases the reverse happens. Atsikana ambiri ali mu zibwenzi zoti alimo okha. The guy they are counting has no idea that he is in a relationship and is probably planning on how to entice his next victim; or friend with benefit as we call them in this brittle world where we sugarcoat everything. Can I just remind you what the old Chewa adage says? Awiri sayenda limodzi asanapangane. You’ve got to make it clear that you are starting a relationship before you start giving each other relationship privileges. Y’all people are giving too much to people that don’t care about you. Are you okay?

And what’s this obsession with sex and relationships, good people?Tilibe zina zochita? A girl dumps you and goes to another man because you have no money. Instead of making money you go looking for another girl. No work done. And ladies, having friends that are getting laid doesn’t mean you should also be getting laid. We are walking in different lanes and fighting different battles. There is a whole life outside sex and relationships. Have you tried chasing money? How about evangelism? Farming? How about that thing called self-love. Yes. We need to be loved, but stop forcing things because there is more to life than this thing we are calling love nowadays. Whatever the hell it is.

Anyway. I should stop. I shouldn’t take away all the motivation you need to be forcing your relationship. Aliyense azipanga zomwe zamusangalatsa.

2022 Again

 

Friday the 7^th of January, 2022. It is the first Friday of the year and once again we have a piece to read. When I sat down to think of the best way to start the year, I could not look any further than the thought of offering some unsolicited ideas on how you could make the best out of your year. Have I become a motivationist? Probably. All in all, I am at the point in my life where I believe that in as much as we love to discuss non-issues we should spend a bit of time talking about things that matter, somewhat. Here is my attempt at starting such a conversation.

I will start where I left it off in the last article by reminding you to plan your year. If you are to ask me, I probably have written 3 or so articles about making plans at the beginning of the year, constantly reviewing the progress and evaluating at the end of the year. Some of you may wonder if I actually do it, but if you have been following the articles you will know that this is a tradition I have been following for the past 5 years save for 2019 when I decided to set out on the voyage of life without a guiding compass in the form of a yearly blueprint. Guess what happened? Midway through the year I was forced to go on and buy a diary to keep life in check. I had been all over the place and things were not working.

Some of you may wonder what a plan can help with in the modern day world where everything is unpredictable and depends on some factors that may be beyond our control. Some may wonder if planning actually works helps a person to achieve their results. The actual answers to those questions may not be directly provided in this piece but here is a bit of what I have learnt from experience. Having a bit of written goals or plans to which one goes back to for reference helps with focus. You are constantly reminded of what the goal for the time period is and what to do to get it. What that does in the end is to improve one’s efficiency and output, and while you may not get all the things you want done, you get to appreciate the importance of the exercise of planning and reviewing. And these plans do not have to be complicated, by the way. For my 2018 plan, I used a piece of plain paper on which I drew a confused face, wrote my goals around it and hung on my living room for me to see every day. Not a very complicated process but it worked the magic.

Second tip: after thinking of what you want to achieve, think of how you are going to do it. Now this is not something for people who are just trying to make it to the next Friday alive. If you are thinking getting a promotion, starting a family, buying a car, enriching your spiritual life and things along those lines, you may want to pay a little more attention to how you can possibly get what you want. This is the major difference between a goal and a plan. With a goal you are looking at what and with a plan you are looking at how. That makes a huge difference between people who dream and those who get it. If you want it that badly, it might be worthwhile scribbling whose number you will call, which doors you will knock down and how far you are willing to go to get something.

Some people have defined success as the continual achievement of one’s goals. With the idea that achieving goals is directly linked with one’s input, it is important to keep the energy high to sustain achievements. Most times we fail to achieve our goals because we are not consistent with our actions. Sometimes we start the new year with resolutions out of excitement and end up dropping them along the way. This lack of consistency sometimes comes because we set goals that are too radical and devoid of consideration of how gradual adjustments need to be if we are to make lasting change. Take it easy and be consistent. You are not going to give up alcohol, become vegetarian and start burning 800 calories every day to manage your weight. You are not going to suddenly cut off half of your friends for being toxic and expect life to go smoothly. Just saying. Be gradual and consistent about things.

Another thing. Consciously use the calendar to your advantage. A couple of days back a friend of mine made a social media post on how he refuses to believe that things change because of a change in numbers on the calendar. I think he made a fair point and to an extent there are a lot of people that think setting goals and having new year’s resolutions is a laughable idea. I tend to think that that is not entirely true. When well thought through, these plans and resolutions actually do pay off, but that it a story for another day. I am here to talk about patterns.

If you happen to pay attention to things, you will notice that the beginning of the year marks the beginning of the same repetitive cycle. On the social media you see a lot of chatter about school fees, people being broke, cabbages, new year’s resolutions, sober Januaries and all that. February comes with its own Valentine’s and Men’s Conference issues and March is just one of those flat months. April marks the beginning of the harvesting season after which we begin to see weddings. Those will peak around October and November at which time people start talking about village banks and Ke Dezember. If you look on the serious side of things, you will notice that there are some recruiters who follow a certain pattern, releasing calls for applications at specific times of the year. In short, there are some things that are some things that only happen in those specific times. If you want to start that seasonal business, to go to that annual festival, to apply for that fellowship… You might want to acquaint yourself with when these things usually happen and start preparing in any possible way. Save that money. Start looking for tips on how to make that application better. Don’t let predictable things surprise you this year.

If you want to go far this year, be optimistic. Work hard and smart with the belief that you will get whatever you are gunning for. If you plan to drop that resume at that company, make sure you give it the best you can with faith that you will bag the job. Fortune favors he bold. Also.. Set Standards. It is important to define what you want to be and to get because if you do not do so people will do that for you and give you raw deals. Want a spouse? Have some class. Osamangotola bola chikupuma. If you provide a service, charge your work’s worth.

Think of the wisdom that comes with the guilt from festive spending. Already some are talking of Sober January and cutting expenditure which may or may not be out of choice. For those that are doing it having chopped all the money in December are likely to get back to misbehaving with the recovery that comes with the first two salaries of the year. My suggestion? Use this to orchestrate behavioral change. If you are to have a sober January, you might as well add the 28-day February to it. Maybe you could make it 4 months or the whole year. Or just quit, really. I mean, you could do that, can’t you?

I could continue with these unsolicited opinions all day, but I guess you get the gist.

Happy 2022!