Summing 2020 Up

 

With Richie

It is the last Friday of the year and we just had to close it up with an article. I had thought so much about what to write on this particular day and I struggled to come up with something befitting. Then I told myself that it was not important to stress about what to write so I just went on the keyboard and let my fingers do the thinking.

I somehow started my year in December 2019 because by the time it was New Year’s Day I had already figured out what I was going to be doing in for each and every month until… well October or so. Somehow, I thought I had everything figured out and I ignored Prophet TB Joshua’s prophecy which I had stumbled upon some time in December. There was going to be some disease, said he. Bushiri had said it was going to be a great year, anyway, so when I gave the whole thing a thought, I reckoned I will be fine. Little did I know that the disease TB talked about was going to affect my all expenses paid trips overseas; and that I would eventually catch it.

This year was full of activity for the average social media loving  Malawian. We kicked off the year anticipating the constitutional court judgement on the elections case but that hype was soon overtaken by that snake. I will not go into details on that to avoid offending people but we all know what happened although the details were sketchy. Come February 3^rd, the much anticipated judgement was delivered by the judges who in my view were not too kind. Then we got geared for the election and before we could move a muscle to start campaigning the coronavirus showed up on our doorsteps. Remember that confusion in Covid-19 management by the previous government? I remember it too. And what about those models that said you and your grandmother were going to die by June 11^th? June 11^th passed and you are still here reading Richie Online articles and that is why you need to ignore everything and nod in agreement to what Bushiri said; It was a great year.

Since we were all indoors preventing the Rona, we learnt a lot of things. Offices closed and people learnt to have conversations online. Skype was soon replaced by Zoom and Microsoft Teams for many who still wanted to be working online. Some civil servants literally just sat at home from March to September, getting salaries without earning them by working. And what of us desk researchers and people who do such sorts of work? Well. We continued to work hard. And when they called us back to the office we told them to sod off so we have not gone back ever since. And health workers? Well. There was too much work so we worked in overdrive. This year I found myself doubling as a doctor of sorts and the researcher I am. Exciting times under very wrong circumstances. Long story short, we have learnt who is an essential worker and who is not and superiors have learnt that it is not every day that you need to see Richard’s face in the office. We have Covid-19 to thank for that.

On the same note of staying home, the social media blew up this year. And guess what we were doing on it? Posting memes. So many people have turned into meme lords and meme ladies this year than there were back then. The conversion rate from regular human to a meme human has been so high this year I had to mute half my contacts on WhatsApp to avoid seeing the same memes a hundred times. One of the phones I used this year even had some clever mechanism for identifying memes from my gallery and it would prompt me to delete them. That is how far people went with memes this year. Remember the time when the only memes we used to get were those ones from 9GAG? Well. You don’t. Probably because you did not know memes before they were cool. All in all, as someone said, the year was generally not good because we lost some important people. There was a virus which we will tell our grand children wiped half the population of the earth, but the memes were good and they kept us through. Then we had all those popular statements that came out each at a time. Kuikana m’botolo, tiyeni and all that jazz. They had you hyped up, didn’t they? They also probably kept most of the men sane when football was banned due to the Rona.

I learned an important lesson about commercializing art from Malawian artists. I have not been a fan of Captain Bae for some time but I must say that I was impressed with his work this year. More so because he was able to put out some music and make some money out of it. Many artists did the same and we saw artists signing some endorsement deals that facelifted their bank accounts. This is why you may have to buy weekend papers to read some random thoughts that you ideally read for free on Richie Online. I am not sure how that is going to go because already some of you complain about data bundles which you use to click the link to this blog. You will understand the value of these articles when your grandparents use the edited versions of the thing for their English Literature classes.

Talking of Richie Online, this has been a relatively dormant year for the blog. A combined 3 heads managed to produce only 24 articles prior to this one. The readership was not great either because people apparently decided that Richie Online articles were no longer interesting. We averaged 30 views per article from roughly about 120 last year. Did we die? Nope. Richie Online is and will still be around because of the Boghoyos and Naphiris who come out of their internet-deprived caves and ask for all the articles they missed while they were away in Neverland. And those of you who were masks and comment mean things as anonymous people. I find it annoying but your actions are the kerosene that keeps the blog flying. Come 2021, we want to unmask the Venomous Hope; the guy who has been writing mean things about everyone including me on this space. I think we could use a look of what his face looks like although I think he might be bald-headed from all the ranting that comes out of him. Perhaps we should also make some Richie Online umbrellas, t shirts, keyholders and car stickers.  

This article will not be complete if I do not mention the good examples that we saw from some distinguished people over the course of the year. The constitutional court judges come to mind on this one but once they directed that we have a fresh election, it was the task of the newly appointed electoral body to deliver the goods. We all know what they did. Sons and daughters of Malawi have done well in sports. You may know about Gaba, Tabitha Chawinga and Mwawi Kumwenda but some of you may not know about the exploits of John Maduka who is managing Celtics, a DSTV premiership outfit. I am not too sure what the actors were up to, though but I must say musicians were also on point. Did you know that Gwamba sponsored upcoming artists with recording and music videos? Such selflessness is being commended from us at Richie Online.

Shall we talk about hiking? I think we should. People have been up and down mountains this year. It has been worse in Blantyre where people decided that hiking was not enough for keeping fit. Know what they started? Of course you do. People started to go to Milare for a run to Madziabango and back. I mean… I have done some crazy things for fitness this year. I at some point walked from Bumbwe to Thunga and back. If you don’t know the intensity of it, that was 18 kilometers of walking. But I have not been hiking. Well. At least I have not been doing the mainstream hiking. I have done Michiru in my lonesome and I hiked Mpingwe on some Tuesday morning with a crazy guy called Vinny. I mean… Who hikes on an effing Tuesday? All I have come to discover is that people hike for different reasons. Love of nature. Fitness. Fun. Looking for suitors. No reason at all. And other reasons you can think of.

There have been many good articles on Richie Online this year. I know so because after writing the articles and forgetting them I always go back and read them. I was looking at one that people should take from this year into 2020 and one immediately came to mind. It is not the most viewed but it definitely defined what the highs and lows of my year were as I had seen them from the beginning of the year. Take some time to read an article called Balance. I think it is a good one and that if you are not high on Christmas you may agree with me.

It is Christmas day and I like the fact that this year people did not hit us with the “Christmas is a pagan celebration” hibber jabber. Let us commemorate the birth of Jesus in  an orderly manner as we wait for 2021. Since Bushiri has not said it yet, 2021 will be a great year. Ndanena ndanena.

Happy festivities, dear reader.

 

 

 

Of Transactional Romance

 

It is yet another Friday. Ideally, I would not have written this post, but I have written it for two reasons. The first one is that I would like to prove one of my friends wrong. When I said I would want to finish my work before writing an article, he said it would not be done. I just wanted to prove someone wrong. The other reason I wanted to write this is that since I have decided not to take part in this Friday, I may soon run out of things to do. I thought, I might as well spend some half to 3 quarters of an hour drafting this. Plus I have something to say.

As I am typing, I am writing, I am watching an episode of an animation series called the Boondocks. In the scene I am watching is a conversation between two young boys who are discussing the issue of going on a date. The other one is suggesting that just because people men take women out for dates and pay for the food, then the women who get paid for are what could be whores. The other tries to correct him by saying that technically when you pay for the food and drinks, you don’t pay the lady but you are paying the restaurant. Guess the response? I am still paying so she is a whore. I have watched this episode before and by the end of it the story is that these kids’ grandfather gets ripped off by a stripper who was being run by some man. Interesting stuff. You should watch the series if you haven’t already. I have it at Naperi 449.

We have kicked off with a conversation by some two fictional children but we need to face it that there was something that all of us could learn or relate with from their conversation. Here we go.

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in a bar sipping some Indian Tonic when some two guys came and sat next to me. Because I was all alone and had nothing extra to do, I was playing with my phone while eavesdropping to their conversation. I mean, it is not illegal yet, right? Now.. These are not fictional people. They are real ones and from Zingwangwa according to their chat. In the prime of their chat, they were sharing notes about their multiple sexual partners and how they were managing them. Interesting chat that was. From the stories, one of them was married and one was in what you people like to call a serious relationship. One of them was talking of how he had blocked the girl with whom he had a one night stand. His reason was that she had kept calling and was a threat to his relationship. The other one went on to highlight the importance of keeping phone numbers or other contact details out of sexual relationships. Crazy stuff. According to him, once you have sexual relations with a girl, they turn you into a cash mill. He went on to say that nowadays most relationships are hinged on money and the more girls you have the more exit routes your money will have.

While I did not see the little fictional kids (Riley and Huey), I saw something that was similar. The lesson I learnt from that is that there is a certain proportion of men who think that the majority of women depend on men for survival in town. Whether that is true or not depends on how you look at it, but we can agree here that there are a lot of people who are living off their relationships…. And it is not only the female side, by the way. Some men also live off their women in one way or the other. Should we be calling each other out for that? Maybe. Maybe not.

In the later day society where there are blurred lines between being strangers, being friends and being in a relationship, the sort of thing could be an issue. People meet at a party today, decide to get intimate the same night and then exchange numbers later. I am talking about normal people and not the ones you see in short dresses around Henderson Street in Blantyre or at Bwandiro in Lilongwe. I have heard stories of people who have had such one-night stands. At that moment, no payment was demanded from them but later they started paying for nails and weaves to an extent that when the valuation was conducted they felt like they were getting a raw deal. Next thing? They got intimate again and then it became a habit and subsequently a relationship. Or arrangement. Or entanglement. Or whatever you call it. I have heard of these before and I am not so sure if the reverse happens in a similar fashion; like a lady paying for sneakers, hair cuts and a Palystation 5 following a one-night stand. All we know, here at Richie Online, is that we also have guys living off ladies. How it starts, we are not sure.

Perhaps we should not limit this to sexual relations because there are some friendships that only exist because of the money one party has to offer. These things people call squads are sometimes just settings in which others become cash mills. As for us who partake in not-so-sweet drinks, there is this concept of a buyer; the sort of guy who always buys the drinks for the other(s). Many of those are not liked for who they are but rather how many crates or 750 milliliter bottles they bring to the table.  Perhaps we are in the last days in which Paul in his second letter to Timothy prophesied. “People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money…”(2 Timothy 3:2). I was focusing on the loving money part.

I will switch it back to the issue of male-female relations. Last year I found myself chatting with someone who wanted to know if I was dating yet. When I gave a negative answer he gave me a concerned face. Upon probing, he told me that moving on all the girls that were going to fall into my circle would be doing it because of my status and not really for who I am. While I thought he had a point, I also realized that this was a very hasty generalization. While some may fall for the cane chairs and GOTV that I have on my living room, some would date me because I am the Richie of Richie Online and nothing else. At the end of the day, I should acknowledge to say that it is hard to pick out who is who, but it is unreasonable to give up love just because you are not sure that people are coming for your wallet.

This article will not be complete if I do not talk of the people called blessers. This is a loose term that is being used to describe someone who has offered monetary gifts or assistance but in its true sense it means that person (mostly pot-bellied man or VW driver) who gives money in exchange for sexual favors. Here are two or three scenarios. Have you ever seen that young lady who gets a meagre pay but still always manages to get the best Brazillian hair, nails and make-up. Well. In case you think that this is a bad sterotype, I understand that there are many women and girls who are independent but for some, there usually is a blesser who is involved and usually it is some old man who is looking for a young lady. Do not be fooled, however, to think that being a blesser is restricted to the 50-year-old millionaire. Some of you, Richie Online readers are blessers. Ever wondered how these students in the hostels are surviving town? There are students from Poly Management, BIU, MIT and many other colleges who reside around Chitawira, Naperi and Zingwangwa. We meet them in the clubs and they tell us they are just having fun. We exchange numbers and soon they come running to us with that “I need a favor” signature call. We help but soon things escalate and we end up jumping in bed with them. That is the next generation of blessers. Young people who are just setting out in their careers are being trained to be blessers too and they seem to be doing it well.

There we are then. We are in the era of transactional romance and bromance.

Caspper Nyovest is in town and I am pretty sure about a third of the patrons’ tickets have been bought by blessers of some sort. That is the Age of Transactional romance and bromance where people will love each other not based on who they are but on what they have to offer.

Have a lovely weekend.

 

Of Weddings and Marriage

 

It is another Friday and once again we get to gather around the Richie Online blog to read a fact-based opinion. Here is one for the day.

One of my oldest friends is getting married next week. This is one guy I have been chatting, laying and making memories with since I got off my diapers. Me and this guy, who also happens to be a faithful Richie Online reader wrote out Malawi School Certificate Examinations in the same year and went to college around the same time. We probably started appreciating ladies around the same time, but that is a story for another day. He is getting married to his sweetheart on the 28^th of this month in Zomba and I will be there running around. For the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to a wedding because I believe this will be a celebration of love for me.

The time between August and November happens to be a season of weddings where a weekend hardly passes without a wedding of someone you know. Sometimes you must attend one wedding before going to the other. It just is what it is. After attending many weddings, I have discovered one thing; some are celebrations while some are not. This, however, mostly has nothing to do with the people who are tying the knot. I will explain.

Directors of ceremonies (ma MC) sometimes dictate whether a wedding is a celebration or not. I have attended two weddings that were perfect opposites. In one, it was a wedding of people who were graduates of the college that God loved the most (or so they say). There were so many groups that were called to present gifts and I could hardly get in. I had to join the groups that had to do with the Chancellor College Catholic Community. And yes. There were many of them and each would only have a minute or so to celebrate with the bride and groom. At another wedding, the MC took control in a bad way. She would pick on you for throwing the “wrong notes” into the basket and after you had run out of money, she would ask you to give a parting gift of K6000. Now that was wrong because she had somehow turned a celebration into a fundraiser. That is one of the things that ruins weddings and diverts them from the original purpose of celebrating love; fundraising. Have you seen those weddings that people do because the bride is pregnant? Not a true celebration either. That is the other non-celebration type and you can add the rest.

Another thing that a wedding should be is the symbolism of the beginning of a marriage. Now this is an interesting one because the concept of marriage seems to be losing its relevance nowadays. We have a lot of broken marriages that are just there by name but not by practice. We go to weddings knowing that the people getting married have been cheating on each other for years and that they are not going to stop. We have weddings that are not symbolizing the birth of marriage in its entirety and unfortunately that is what a lot of us might have to settle for; marriages that are broken for one reason or another.

Now and then a young man of my kind gets a question on when they are getting married. Turns out people are so eager to know as to when why will dance at your wedding without paying any attention to what kind of marriage you will have. All that Amir will care about is the dancing and all that Sophie will care about is the Fanta. Whatever happens to you two after the dance and drinks they do not care. This is what is happening in the later day world. People are getting pressured into marriage for the sake of a wedding.

I have one good friend who happens to be engaged to this beautiful lady. At some point, we were chatting and I turned into the idiot who unnecessarily poses the when are you getting married question. The answer I got was one of the best answers I have ever gotten since I started asking questions. “We are already married, bro. We have been married since day 1.” I found this liberal “you are as married as you feel” attitude towards marriage very interesting. I am actually considering adopting that mentality and should I do that, as long as I feel married you will not be invited to my wedding.

The thing with weddings of today is that they involve a lot and most times I find myself wondering whether some of these things are necessary. You struggle with asking someone out and then you begin dating. When you feel convinced that you can take someone in, you need to do that sort of staged proposal at Hotel Amaryllis after an expensive meal with Just Jerome taking the pictures. Then it is time for the ancestors to know about the two of you and you go for the traditional wedding where chickens are slaughtered for the go-betweens to eat. Weeks before the wedding you get to have all these crazy ceremonies; bridal showers, send-offs, hen parties, bachelor’s parties and all that hibber jabber. And after the wedding, I am told that people have to go for a honeymoon. Why do I have to do all that? For what? Kukwatira komweku? All these things need a unique outfit, by the way. Casual outfits for the proposal and bachelor’s party, traditional outfit for chinkhoswe, two suits for the wedding swimwear for the honeymoon.

The whole thing of having too many ceremonies had some people trying to justify eliminating some of them. While some were honest enough to talk about the money factor, other hardliners started to bring in the issue of culture. You know where this is going, right? “Technically, both the traditional wedding you have at your village and the so-called white wedding are both traditional weddings”. You may have heard this before and people who propagate this ideology claim that those who go through with “both traditional weddings” are colonized in the mind. Well. I beg to differ. As we at Richie Online always say, “osamapangirana zochita”. We need to let people cerebrate love in the way they see fit. After all this ranting they still go on and have the 5 wedding ceremonies, anyway.

I almost forgot about this. Wedding celebrations need a lot of money. You need to book a venue, decoration, sound system, cake, catering and all those useless things. Then there are the outfits. I will focus on the bridal party on this one. If you have been to a wedding lately, you will agree that the groom’s men wear weird suits that you can hardly wear anywhere else after the wedding. The bridesmaids are worse. They wear long pink dresses with slits that go out of bounds. The outfits are so much so that one might as well throw them in the bin after the wedding. Guess who pays for that? The people in the bridal party. But should that be the case? I will leave that to you. Then there is the issue of transport for people in the bridal party. Some of you will be getting married soon and some of you will be in committees. Can you please make sure that the people who spice your wedding up have a decent means of getting home or getting to the depot or airport they came into town through? Dress imeneija siyokwera nayo minibus, please. If you can manage to move her around in a Benz the whole day, you surely can manage to put her on an EcoRide Taxi home.

I have talked a lot but here is the article in one paragraph. Weddings are meant to be a celebration of love and symbolic genesis to a happy marriage. While it is inevitable that costs will be incurred in the celebration, people need to learn to celebrate within their means and not burden others in the course. When getting married, you got to make sure that you want it and you mean it. Get married to stay married.

Precious, who I am dedicating this article to asked me to add a bit about courtship. I will not. If you want, I can give you the space on one Friday for you to talk about it.

I will be going to a wedding next week and so will my parents. I am pretty sure my mum and dad will be looking at me with judging faces asking me when I will emulate my good friend’s example. I on the other hand like to go by Dave Chappelle’s teaching. If you want to know what he said about marriage, watch the Netflix Special called Deep in the Heart of Texas. Kapena mundifunse kumbali.

Have a wonderful weekend.

 

Of Art, Attitudes and Personalities

 Guess who is back! Yes. Richie Offline has now transcended and been re-elevated to the status of Richie Online. Been long since I wrote and I decided to come back.

Some weeks ago, I rented out this space to an idiot who wanted to rant about three issues. The Idiot's Rant.  Remember that? This was one human from Ndirande and he or she wanted to talk to the world about some issues that seemed to be of concern and to share a bit of experience with NdixVille. Some of those things that were written flew past your heads. This was partly because whatever was written was crafted for political correctness and for people who put in a bit of effort in trying to understand things. I have come with a license to offend people so I will tackle one of the big issues which I think flew past the heads of many.

I come from a background of studying medicine in my tertiary education. What I tell people about medicine is that it is a good blend of science and art. For one to understand what is wrong with a patient, they need to have a scientific understanding of how the human body functions and to have an artistic way of conversing with a patient to make them reveal the symptoms. Then there is the whole thing of performing procedures on people. If I am to stick a needle into any Jim or Jane, I need to know exactly what I am trying to hit and what I am trying to avoid. Science. On the other hand, I need to understand that I am inflicting pain and I need to find a way of making the experience as less painful as it can be. Art. I shouldn't start with surgery. Outside of the field of medicine, many careers are split into either science or art. Scientists are not interesting so I will deal with those who indulge in the thing called art.

I like to think of art as something expressive. If a person goes out to design a shirt, to write a song or poem, to play football, draw a painting or make a sculpture (or write a Richie Online article), the output reflects who they are on the inside. This is different from science which is very factual. What is. What is not is not and you cannot change that. You play by the rules most of the time. Therefore, artists are exposed to more scrutiny than scientists; the expressive nature of their craft keeps them exposed. This is why it is important to actively manage one's affairs when expressing different art forms.

I will talk about expectations first. A person who is about an art or craft needs to manage their own expectations and that of their fans, spectators or any other onlookers.

You may have that one friend who forces themselves unto an art form. Ring a bell yet? I am talking about that person who does not know how to sing but keeps sending you links to his singles and mixtapes which you do not listen to. And what do you say when they ask you for feedback? You lie, right?

I happen to be a writer. I keep this blog running and I have dreams of being a columnist in one of the big newspapers. Some of you have encouraged me to go for it but as far as I know most of you just lie to me to make me feel good and make me feel good for my efforts. I understand you. This thing needs to keep running because of the 3 or 4 people who nag me for articles when I don't write. I however appreciated the one young lady who told me to stop sending these useless pieces to her WhatsApp because she apparently never bothered to read them. She was brutally honest but at least told me the truth and I never bothered to send again. I felt bad because I was trying to impress this lady with my wisdom when she snubbed me like that. It was bad, but that taught me one thing; I may not make the cut of the people who write in tabloids. 

Early this year some people were recruiting writers for a certain website. I signed up and told them I will be dropping weekly opinions on random topics to which they agreed. I wrote them what ended up being one of the most popular Richie Online pieces; He won't Marry you. Remember that one? You were supposed to see it somewhere else not here. These fellas kicked me out of their WhatsApp forum without explanation along with scores of others without publishing my opinion piece despite the fact that I had written them something else on Covid-19, being the health professional I am. Prophecy confirmation. So, what did I learn? I need to write because I think I can write but I shouldn't put my expectations up there.

Then there is the issue of managing other people's expectations. There are many artists who have gone in a downward spiral just because of trying to meet other people's expectations. People have been found in clubs every single day and ended up deserting their academic pursuits just because of not managing fame that and the expectations that came with it after excelling in either music, sports, theatre or any other art form. I will not talk about those who change genres after changing religious affiliations and immediately jump into making new music about their new music. We all know how that ends.

The big lesson is that as a person in the pursuit of an art, you will have expectations for yourself and people will expect.

Shall we talk about personality management? Yeah. We shall.

Some of you may know one talented footballer from up north. I will not point names or mention fingers but if you know it you will know. Somehow this man found himself playing for one of the military teams in the country. His career was going so well and he left the military and joined one of the clubs from the dusty capital. You get where I am going with this, right? At that capital club he ended up being the top goal scorer for the so-called Super League. Somehow due to disciplinary issues there were some fallouts at the team and he somehow ended up signing for a South African club. Attitudes soared there too, and he ended up not playing a single game for the whole season. What came next was not unexpected. He ended up taking it to social media to blast his agents for cahooting with his club to make sure that he did not play. Then when he was not called for the national team, he blasted the coach for not calling him up. Again on social media. 

This probably hasn't backfired but guess what? It will. Sooner or later. You don't go around stepping on toes like that. Somehow, somewhere you do pay. I have noticed a little change in attitude from the good player and I hope he will change for the better. Point being, your attitude can kill a career even in the presence of talent. 

Now to what you missed from the idiot's rant. There have been a couple of artists who have arguably been doing well this year. I am no fan of Phyzix of the Cholapitsa fame but this other day when I met him (don't ask me where) I broke my own rules against interacting with celebrities I am not friends with and gave him a thumbs up for how he has handled the game this year. But this is not about him. You know that one who has been collaborating with all the big artists in the country and releasing videos? Yeah. Him. That one who has been doing all those commendable charity works. That is what the idiot from Ndix was talking about.

So… what was that one on about? At the beginning of the year it was all awesome with reggae what what. Good stuff. Then came the videos. Every update came through a video replacing the Richie Online length posts that we used to have before then. Then there were the good songs and the overwhelming support. By public demand the young man collaborated with one of the veteran musician which was the beginning of a journey in which the latter would receive financial support from the young man. We all know what followed with the videos about the other guy who was trying to complement the efforts or steal from the veteran or whatever. Then there were the numerous charity works that were interspaced with songs of declining quality and the poor PR on social media. When I was asked what I thought, I told people one thing; the brand that this person had built was going to kill his music career slowly.

We go back to the issue of expectations. We expect people of influence to reach out and touch but not on each and every single thing. It is important to be focused and let others do their part while you focus on your own thing (unlike what I am doing here, talking about other people).

After all is said and done, we could learn a thing or two from influential people or people in the arts industry. We have seen some climb up the ladder and use artistic platforms to bring positive change either to themselves or to society. Others just ended up trying to please people and went down as soon as they came up. Tikambe za matenda? Rather not.

All being said, artists need to manage fame and personality. A lesson to all of us? We need to manage our status of accomplishment. Just because we have made a bit of money does not mean we need to be all over the place doing all sorts of things. Good to learn to lay low and to manage the fame and expectations.

Happy Friday to all. And a Happy Birthday to one of our faithful readers, Thandi who today has clocked exactly 32 years 4 months and 15 days. We at Richie Online celebrate her life.

Lessons from the Croc

Alright. Friday. Day for an article, right? Great. Let's get on with it.

I must admit here that laziness took over this week and I did not want to write. The other reason I did not want to write was the fact that after the many things that have been reported in the news, people usually expect this blog to give them a comment on what is going on out there. Hey Richie, what do you think about the President's Q and A? I didn't watch that. What do you think about the incident in Chikwawa? Why do you care about what I think? What are your views on what the Pope said about homosexual civil unions? Not today please. Land issues? Don't get me started.

Like I have said before, the purity of a Richie Online article lies in how distant it is from current hibber jabber and how close it is to being a fact-based opinion. I am not good at commenting on current affairs, anyway. That is why in the midst of all these topical issues I decided to appeal to people who can write good posta, failure of which I would write about the Nile crocodile and other types of crocs. While someone offered to write, my thoughts are that it is unlikely that they will pull through. And that, dear reader, is why I am typing this instead of enjoying the music and concentrating on this cold drink on this beautiful Thursday night. Eetu. 

I will not base this post on the social media but rather on a book I read earlier this year. Some of my dear readers might have read the book titled Two Weeks in November. This is a book that narrates the account of the regime change that saw Robert Mugabe ousted from the Zimbabwe presidency, ushering in the current regime which has Emerson Dambuzo Mnangagwa at the helm. If you know a thing or two about African politics, you would know that the president of Zimbabwe who also happens to be a war veteran bears the nickname "the crocodile". The name is so ingrained in Zim politics so much so that when Grace "Gucci-Grace" Mugabe had her faction in the rulling party, the ones who were loyal to Mnangagwa, then the vice president called themselves the LaCoste faction. They do not call that man the crocodile for nothing. There are some characteristics of a crocodile that the man shows. 

I am not a wildlife enthusiast but once in a while I do read and watch clips on animals on National Geographic, either on YouTube or TV. I know a thing or two about how a crocodile hunts. A crocodile does not depend on on speed for its hunting. Rather, it depends on the element of suprise. Stealth. A crocodile will hide under water near a river bank and pounce on an unsuspecting animal. If you follow the account of the transition that saw the ousting of Mugabe, you will note that people were working underground for months, waiting for the opportune time. 

While we are on the issue of working in stealth, there is another type of LaCoste that I would like to bring to your attention. Most of you may not be familiar with the sort of ladies you meet in drinking places, but some have exhibited stealthy characteristics when they want to swindle your money and whatever else. You might be busy doing your own things but the moment you want to buy another drink one pops out of nowhere to ask for her own. I do not know what other tricks these humans have up their sleeves but I am pretty sure that they have more.

There you go with the first lessons from a crocodile. In life, you do not always need to have a go at things the speedy and noisy way. You need to lay low like a croc and wait for the opportune time to strike. Then there is the issue of preparation. Some say that fortune favors the prepared. Better be prepared and not have the opportunity than have an opportunity and not be prepared for it. 

Perhaps we should talk about actual crocodiles. Have you ever wondered if animals brush their teeth? Maybe some don't but I am told that pandas chew bamboos in what you would think of as cleaning of the teeth. Well. There is one thing I am sure of, however. Crocodiles in the Nile (pretty sure somewhere else too) use birds to clean their teeth. I have even seen a clip on YouTube. A certain species of birds called Pluvanius aegyptus is known for an unusual symbiotic relationship with crocodiles. At some point when Johnny Croc wants stuck remains of his last meal removed from his teeth, he opens the mouth wide and remains still. The bird  in question then comes in and feasts on the remains of the food. Croc gets mouth cleaned. Pluv gets a meal. That is a win-win. 

For some time people have wondered why the crocodile does not take advantage and eat the birds which play right in its mouth. Ndiye pali phunziropo. I think we all can learn from Johnny Croc of the Nile. Not every bird that comes to our mouth to pick the remains of whatever we ate needs to be eaten. Tikumvana kwa azibambo uko?

There once was a time that I invited a girl for a chat at my house. After watching two movies and eating lunch I saw her off. Guess what? When she went home she called to thank me for not touching her? What are ypu guys doing to these girls when they come to visit you? Anyway. I digressed. There are so many times that we see people taking advantage of ladies just because of previous favors owed and services rendered. Does it mean things have to end in someone's skirt? We at Richie Online think the answer is negative. And this is not just about sex but I will stick to this. It is possible to render help to someone without making absurd demands. It is possible to get close to a person without really getting sexually intimate. We should learn to have a symbiotic relationship like that of the Egyptian plover and the Nile crocodile. 

While I am focusing on the lessons from the croc, take some tine to think of the plover's side. When the croc feels like the mouth is clean, it shakes itself to scare the birds away. Learn when to stop helping someone and helping yourself to something. 

There we are then. Crocodiles of all sorts have given us lessons on preparation and managing interpersonal relationships. 

Have a wonderful weekend. 

They Lied

 

It is one wonderful Friday and once again we get to gather under the shade of the Richie Online tree for a dose of some alternative wisdom in the form of fact-based opinions. Here we are.

When I wrote the article last week, I did not get much of feedback. I however found one of the two comments that I got very interesting. In an article where I was writing about the longevity of relationships, someone explained a different perspective that I have overlooked. Whereas I was talking about relationships lasting longer than they used to and most people in relationships taking it to the altar, this human explained how marriages are not lasting nowadays. That one got me. I do not want to spend much time commenting on this comment, but perhaps it is high time we balanced longevity of a relationship with the longevity of the institution of marriage.

On to the stuff of the day.

Yesterday happened to be Mother’s Day in Malawi. It is the day when we specially honor our mothers and celebrate them for the work they did in raising us. It is the sort of day on which I buy groceries for a certain amount and drop them by a Naphiri’s place only to get back home with things equaling or surpassing the value on the way back. That was the thing we all used to get criticized for back then. The Google age has brought in a different dimension. Mother’s day is more about people uploading pictures of their mothers on social media platforms, expressing how they miss their departed mothers and more interestingly others criticizing their friends for posting. I like the new line of criticism that came out this year. Not that I agree with the whole thing of criticizing one another for what people post (as I said, osamapangirana zochita), but I found it interesting to see someone bashing some people for posting their pastor’s wives with Mother’s day.  

 Joined the bandwagon of people who post pictures of their mothers on the day. There were a lot of reactions to the pictures and most of them were positive. Only a few people diverted from the focus of the pictures, my mum and went on to comment on my unkempt hair and beards. That was to be expected, anyway but that is not the point. The point is that there were people who took jabs at me for posting pictures of me and my mum while I did not do anything for her. Where they got the information on the latter, I am not sure.

This does not concern you that much, but I just want to give you a bit of the reasoning behind posting my mum on the day. I prefer to mark Mother’s day as the beginning of an appreciation week for my mum whose birthday falls within these days. We can all agree here that those of us who are privileged to have lived with our parents have something unique that we cherish them for. There is one thing about my mum and that is the fact that she knows how to start, hold and sustain a conversation. I can sit with that woman and chat for 3 hours straight and none of us would get bored. I hardly do that with any of my family members. I found myself thinking about that attribute when I began to compare my mum with other people with whom I ideally should be having good conversations. Anthu sititha kucheza out here.

Human interaction hinges on conversations and actions. Whether there is good interaction or bad blood between people mostly depends on conversations between two parties. Lately we have seen people compliment each other about kutha kucheza; entailing that the recipient of such good words mastered the art of human interaction. I regret to report to you that they lied. They are just excited about what you did at that particular moment. Simutha kucheza, ankolo. Well. Maybe you do. Here is my point.

The first important stage in interaction is picking who to interact with and for what. Not everyone you meet will be your friend in the long term. Some people, however, seem to not know or to deliberately ignore this fact. The result is that people tend to put too much effort into friendships that were not supposed to exist in the first place. Now those ones do not work as well as they are supposed to be and sometimes, they turn toxic.

The next important bit in the kucheza process is knowing what kind of topic to pick with who. Might not seem important but the subject of a chat needs to be thought through along the lines of context, person, relevance and other things along those lines. You cannot discuss everything with everyone. Just last night, I met a guy who just popped by where I was chatting with my friend at some bar and began telling us how he was robbed on the way from a drinking escapade a few days back. Did we care? No. We could not hide our boredom and we took out our phones breaking what was a phones off chat. And then people have this habit of bringing up sensitive issues with strangers; issues of sexuality and religion, for example. I like to believe that it is not just my opinion when I say that such issues need to be reserved for people with whom you have known well for some time. I have a couple of atheist friends, but I never have had the cajones to bring issues of religion when we have our casual chats. Guess why? They are not even relevant. I mean… Why not talk about football, movies or art? Some would wonder why I do not make the attempt to convert them. Story for another day.

Then there is the issue of knowing when to do what in a friendship. There are times that you need to amplify and times that you need to take a step back depending on the signs. Friendship are conceived for different reasons and end for different reasons too. It might be an issue of unfulfilled expectations. Sometimes people hear the wrong thing about you and begin to sideline you. These are things that happen but some of us do not handle them well and we tend to either miss or ignore the signs, ending up with forced friendships. This point cannot go without saying that friendship requires reciprocation as needed. When people do good things for you, you repay them with kindness. The opposite is not true, according to Christian teaching but the point is that noticing the kindness you used to get waning might be a sign that it is time to leave. Of course there is the issue of the balance between holding on to something that is not so useful and letting go of something that you could have benefitted from. Nkhani zovuta izi.

Like I said, not everyone knows how to handle these things in their entirety so if anyone told anyone that amatha kucheza, they lied.

A little confession.

When I posted that the title of today’s article would be what it is, I had not put together a single word on paper. I actually posted that to see if I could get any ideas and ideas I got. In the spirit of not disappointing those who contributed, let me share what people thought about people who lied.

We are a hundred and something days into the mandate of the Tonse gaffment (which rude people have decided to call goofment). A couple of weeks ago, el president presided over a media briefing in which he shared some of his achievements in his first 100 days in office. Some of you got mad and bashed the president for calling a glorifed presser to talk about achievements when he actually did not talk about achievements. Well. I will not comment on that despite some of you pushing me to write about it. I will however comment on the complacency and failure to implement the campaign promises on time on the new gaffment’s part. Remember 30 days amnesty? Have we heard of anyone returning money they stole from gaffment coffers? Expedited trials in corruption cases? A dedicated court for corruption cases? Hasn’t happened, right? Okay. I will not talk about 1 million jobs in the first year because we it is a bit too early; although I must admit that it doesn’t look too good. To some, the Tonse guys lied. Kuli nkhani ya ngongole iyi. Imeneyo ndisaipute kaye. I don't think it is time for me to start stepping on the toes of this government. Not yet, at least. 

Then there is the issue of the prophets of doom in the Covid-19. They somehow fed numbers to a computer and came up with a conclusion that millions of people were going to be infected and more than fifty thousand people will die. According to them, June and July were going to be the worst months to be a Malawian as we were going to be dying Italy style. Some people died, and the number may be higher than the one the official reports are showing but it surely is not 50k. There are probably more infections than we are made to believe, but they are not 15 million as others wanted to make us believe. Those guys lied to us.

I will also take liberty to remind you of your ex-spouses who told you that they could not live without you. You parted ways, but did they die? I put it to you, they lied too. And what about that guy who came to you and wanted a soft loan of ka fifty thousand. He said he will give you on Tuesday, right? Eeetu. Angongole. They lied too. Your prophet told you that you would get married by the end of 2019. Let’s not get into that, though.

A lot of people did say a lot of things to you. But they lied.

Of Relationships and Longevity

 

It is one wonderful Friday and once again we get to have an article. This is not any other article; it is the comeback of the founding father of this blog. Richie himself is writing this in ink using an ostrich’s feather. This will later be digitally transcribed and sent out for you to enjoy as you are now. Long process, isn’t it?

It is hard to come after the Venomous Hope, who I believe is the guest writer who has written the most articles on Richie Online. That guy got a lot of praise and offers of drinks, a thing I have not received in a long time. I am jealous of him, but on the other hand, I think he deserves it. As I pointed out for those who receive the articles via WhatsApp, that was probably the best article I have read around here in a very long time. Where very long time shall mean some months. Maybe 4. Uyu angatichedwetse. On to the topic of the day.

Now I understand that people have their expectations on what they think should appear on Richie Online based on the issues in the air. I am not very good at commenting on current affairs. When I do that, I mostly end up on the wrong side of issues and I step on toes. After all, one Nkhwachi Mhango once rightly gave a criterion for defining the purity of a Richie Online article in a way I had never thought about. According to him, pure Richie Online articles are not topical. They do not seek to comment on current affairs or anything of the sort. They are just fact-based opinions. A random piece about Ndirande, reminding you that your bae won’t marry you and things along those lines. That is what we are all about, here at Richie Online. That being said, I would have loved to comment on how your president shook hands and walked around without a face mask in Tanganyika and the first 100 days of the new gaffment. We can talk about that if you want me to, but just not here. What I can do is one thing, though; I will unconditionally condemn any form of sexual abuse as it is at best a very inhuman thing to do.

Last night I was involved in a sensitive conversation with a certain friend who I was catching up with after a very long time. You have guessed right; we were talking about relationships. In a rather accelerated way, this good friend of mine jumped from a greeting straight into telling me about her ex boyfriends. Well then. The chat got a bit uncomfortable as I was not sure what might have triggered such. Turns out people have things they need to let out but they do not have people to empty them to. Or so I thought. We had a good chat about relationships although I am pretty sure that the chat left the both of us a bit more depressed than we were before it.

My love for the social media cannot be overemphasized. I like me my WhatsApp and I like me my Facebook and other than posting stupid things, the other thing I like the most about Facebook is the memories. Facebook for some reason developed a feature that digs up posts from  years back to let us celebrate the anniversaries of our stupidity. I am a big fan of those memories and having gotten a notification that my memories for today were ready, I dashed over to check. I was greeted by posts about the birth of my friend’s first born son; Kim Kaitano. Happy birthday to that little man.

The most important memory I saw, however, was that of the first time I changed my relationship status on Facebook. That was a good six years ago on this very day. That post had more than 70 comments and mind you, this was before this whole thing of replying was a thing. Somehow people got excited about the whole thing and made it  some sort of a big conversation. I understand why. People had, for long, known me as the sort of guy who was a little too rigid to get a girl. Anadabwa ndithu.

In those days, relationship statuses used to be a big deal. People were using every option that was on that list; single, in a relationship, in a domestic partnership, in a complicated relationship, married and what not. Then there was the changing. Somehow people felt obliged to change relationship statuses once there was a change in their love lives. A good friend of mine whose name I won’t mention had his laptop close by on his wedding day just so that he could update his status to married as soon as the officiation was over. Others went on to create memes about relationship statuses saying that they ought to be changed for a specific number of times, after which they should set the default for a particular person to unstable. This was to take swipe at people who kept jumping between single and in a relationship or something of the sort.

Thoughts about relationship statuses and the conversation I had last night gave me some memories about how relationships used to end for almost no reason back then. Compared to the later day, relationships seem to survive a bit more than they are nowadays. I am not saying I want us to go back to the time when people used to break up at will, but I was wondering if the longevity of modern day relationships is a good thing or a bad thing. I might try to tackle that a bit later but I think for now the important thing to do would be to explore why this might be the case.

The reason that is coming to mind with prominence is that most of the people in my circle have aged and have aged well. People who age well plan and execute their relationships well and as such there is very little room for breakups. On the other side of the same coin, it might just be that people are just enduring relationships to avoid the shame of breakups. Think of this. You are over 30 and half your friends are married. Every time you post a wedding invitation card people ask you when your own wedding is. You wouldn’t want to let go of a partner unnecessarily in that situation. Akazi ndi amuna akuvuta kupeza.

Then there is the issue of the general lowering of expectations of what one can get from a relationship and from a partner. It is a fact that by the age of 25 most of us tend to have gone through at least one heart break. These heart breaks have created a generation of broken people. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. People whose hearts were broken break hearts. When people go into relationships nowadays, it is most likely one broken person meeting another and with their heart breaks in mind, it is hard for them to fully give and fully expect true love. They just get by, really. One day at a time becomes the motto. HD photos here. Cake there. Dinner there. Pang’ono pang’ono until the wedding day comes.

Then there is the issue of social media relationships. That I will not dwell on.

Timalize iyi yaleroyi.

It is a good thing that relationships are surviving more than they used to back then. At least in my circle that is. They may be surviving for a good reason but with negative motivation attached, but they are surviving still. That is something to applaud, isn’t it?

That being said, it is important to understand that relationships are meant to be enjoyed and not endured as is marriage. There is a need for balance between enjoying life and fulfilling social norms of getting married. Forever is a long time so it is not good to stick to something  for the sake of others.

Eeetu. Pitani ku Friday basi. Taweruka.

Aborting the Bill and the Cartel

 

by the Venomous Hope

Returning to this esteemed pulpit always gives me pleasure, the doc who owns it has kindly allowed me [again] muckrake a few issues. It is perhaps high time I grant myself the greatest honour, the moniker of ‘permanent guest’, now that this is beyond my 10^th article on this forum. Writing an expose for an audience that speaks very good overseas English can be painstakingly demanding, I will have to remind myself to make an effort to find out whatever the Rich eats every Friday, I am reliably told there’s always a secret recipe in chiwaya chapa Chitawira. I have to confess though that it is more stressful to come up with an introduction, never mind a good one. It is why these few sentences are as good as you can get.

The hot potato these past two weeks has been the so-called Abortion Bill, and when you sniff your radio for just some seconds you can’t avoid meeting some sort of experts on the subject, trying to outdo each other in one way or the other, for different causes and income. The bill has pitted, I must say, health specialists and Civil Society Organizations (SCOs) on the one hand, and religious gurus and some ‘concerned prospective fathers’ on the other. The proponents of the Bill want to legalize safe abortion because of unaccounted number of complications that come because many girls and women keep trying to cut corners to get rid of the unborn child. For them, they want health practitioners to take charge of the process, and in a way, to save the mothers. The facts are bare for our perusal: for starters, alarming figures that WHO reports hover around 56 million abortions performed per year on earth alone, the number can be twice higher on planet Titan now that the mad Thanos is dead. And in 2005 alone, some healthy ministry officials revealed that 67, 000 induced abortions were recorded in the country, this is very bad if that’s the trend. Flipping through some of the reasons why women resort to abortion, one may be tempted to conclude that beyond the curtain the problem has been social-cultural and ultimately more about our poverty levels, paja Chakwera has inherited APM’s role of leader of the least deveLoOped countries. Well some of the reasons include: desire for girls to stay in school (really?); extramarital pregnancy (majority of the cause); kuchembeza mwachangu wina asanasiye kuyamwa; pregnancy from incest, defilement and rape; and of course poverty.

Some of those reasons are well-intentioned and it may be tempting to join the bandwagon of safe abortion activism along the way. It must be said, however, reading the Bill itself, that not every pregnant soul will have a free pass for abortion. Termination of pregnancy will only “be necessary to prevent injury to the physical or mental health of a pregnant woman” and also in cases that there is malformation of the foetus, or if it endangers the life of the pregnant mother. The grey area that has produced a lot of misinterpretations is probably the so-called mental health, which is fast becoming a popular card that even our friend Chisale tried to use in order to end his ordeal at Maula Prison. The Bill, according to some experts, is just trying to correct some healthy risks and make it as safe as possible for our dear women and girls.

Well one may ask if most of the religious inspired opponents of the bill have read it with sober mind, mwina sanawerengenso nkomwe. The flawed statement that the country is a God-fearing nation has resurfaced, well with much voluminous venom. Of course it’s a fact that almost every soul in the country profess to a Higher Being of some sort, the following subtle numbers give a candid reflection: Malawi has an estimated 23% Catholics, 29% Protestants [Anglicans, CCAP & Lutherans], 10% are Muslims, others [rastas, Amboni, Pentecostals, and humanists] make up at least 25%. Unsurprisingly, all the who is who of religious bodies in the country have ganged up to put pressure on the MPs to reject the Bill at whatever cost, no discussion or compromises. We all know that these religions are not only Abrahamic and foreign, but are also idealistic in that the doctrine is as powerful as the law of the land. For the most Christians, including yours truly, the infinite strands of moral compass are absolute and non-negotiable in as far as a future life in paradise is concerned. Tragedy will be the time when religion will be proved to be one large conspiracy and a lie all along… Well gods exist so we have to bring the fight to them, so they say. A blunt example of an absolute truth held by Christians migrated from Bible at Exodus 20:3 which reads, “You shall not murder.” It is one of the popular verses making rounds in defense of those who oppose Abortion Bill, you cannot justify any killing whatsoever even if the foetus is only a minute old. And the following the catalogue of some references you will hear throughout the debate:

-Jeremiah 1:5- before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as prophet to the nations.

-Qur’an 5:32: whosever has spared life of a soul it is as though he has spared the life of all people. Whosever has killed a soul, it is as though he has murdered all mankind.

-Qur’an 17:32: Kill not your offspring for fear of poverty, it is we who provide for them and for you. Surely, it is a great sin,

I declare that direct abortion, that is, abortion willed as an end or as a means, always constitutes a grave moral disorder, since it is the deliberate killing of an innocent human being. Pope John Paul II, Evaangelium Vitae, 1995.

I will not dwell much on the demerits of these, but for the sake of progress, the abortion bill is a positive aspect for the wellbeing of a Malawian woman for the sole reason that it is meant to provide for the safe termination of the pregnancy. As a country, we should mend the behaviour of the citizenry so that the pregnancy procured is cared for and mutually accepted “mentally” [whatever it may mean]. In principle, we should as a country be working more on the social-cultural problems that force women, and especially girls, to fall pregnant, all how we can rid the country of bandits who go about raping women in our villages. It is a fact that these religious groups have failed short on the moral duty on shaping the society to reach the godly standards they aspire for us; they have done little to impart moral thrust into their faithful. Most importantly, abortion bill answers the same critical dilemmas that religion fails to, you remember those exceptions that will allow women to abort? My thoughts on the Bill have summarized in this statement made by one Stanley Hauerwas:

It may be that issues such as abortion are finally not susceptible to intellectual solution. I do not mean to suggest that we cease trying to formulate the problem in the most responsible manner possible, but rather that, our best recourse may be to watch how good men and women handle the tragic alternative we often confront in abortion situations. For no amount of ethical reflection will ever change the basic fact that tragedy is a reality of our lives.  Point is reached where we must have the wisdom to cease ethical reflection and affirm that certain issues indicate a reality more profound than the ethical.

[Message from Richie: Take a water break here.]

Talking about more profound real ethical issue, our dear honourable souls at the National Assembly felt like their libido has been emotionally bruised beyond repair this week when revelations that up to 10, 000 condoms are consumed every month. Haha! 10, 000 condoms per month. Funny that they also do care more about their reputation when embarrassing issues like these come to light. And some MPs struggled to justify the high number of intake for the commodity saying it is not only them lining up to get the rubber but also other stakeholders, viz: journalists, constituency visitors, and staff members, and of course official capital concubines; it is them who frequent the handout desk and they have tarnished their image by collecting the condoms en masse. Some even went to town to demand an immediate apology, withdraw of the inaccurate statement, and the speedy sacking of the one who released those holy findings. I am struggling to see why they are fuming with anger when it is Parliament itself that procures condoms on our taxes for free distribution during any sittings; it just shows they are in on the act. Kapena amafuna akananenera mwanseri. 99% of the MPs have wives/husbands that normally follow them on the television back in their villages, but a large cartel of concubines also usually follows whenever they are back in the capital. Its hot business such that those hefty allowances need to be shared. As long as it helps them to actively participate in the debate we cannot blame them for wanting more of flesh of Bwandiro.

On a final note, it looks like the DPP has now come to their senses to take the responsibility of opposing the government. A cat and mouse fight, however, for the position of leader of opposition (LoOp) has degenerated into a civil war within the once mighty party such that a day doesn’t elapse before you hear dirty linen being smeared in media among the remaining party cadres. Many people have spoken of the need for self-cleansing in the party so that they may regain even a tiny fraction of the trust they had with the people of their stronghold, the Lomwe belt, and these tags of wars are not helping because it seems not everyone is willing to let the process of healing permeate within the rank and file. It has become a party that doesn’t understand its own constitution, yet they have a president who is a professor emeritus of law. After some sanity, the secretariat decided to grant the wish its remaining 50+ MPs to conduct an impromptu election on LoOp, and APM had a rude awakening as a result. APM’s adopted son Francis Kasaila, who still has a pending case on the legitimacy of his parliamentary win in 2019 at the High Court, was soundly defeated when MPs opted for Kondwani Nankhumwa to carry on as LoOp despite the hierarchy creating various news snippets meant to undermine his rise to power. Kasaila got a mere 4 votes against Nakhumwa’s 38. And another big wig, Bright Msaka, the party’s vice president in the East, was nominated and even had a secondment, but he only got a single vote {he voted himself}, perhaps the nominators changed their mind midway during the voting. When we thought that dust has settled, the party publicist Brown Mpinganjira spoke on radio saying that it is the party that elects the LoOp and not the Mps so what happened in parliament was an anomaly that will be corrected when the inner circle meet.

Nankhumwa may have won the battle yesterday; it will take sacrifices to be universally accepted as the de facto leader of DPP as long as APM is still pulling the strings at his retirement Lodge in Mangochi. At this rate, DPP will never wrestle back the power of running the affairs of this country, anaonongera pa mpando. And I personally am not convinced with the caliber of successors within the party, including Nankhumwa himself. So far, the front runners to succeed APM at the convention [Mpinganjira says in 5yrs time] include Nankhumwa, Uladi Musa, George Chaponda, Msaka, and Kasaila. Chakwera or Chilima will not even need to do campaign to soundly defeat the lot. When we say we need new blood we don’t mean Nankhumwa, he has never for starters accepted that the chaos created by his party when in power brought the country on its knees in the last couple of years. And to quote one letter from other party NGC inviting him to a party disciplinary hearing, “he must come forward to explain his education background.” Ha! Come on, this was a good opportunity for him to show he was the grain among the chaff in DPP.

Going forward however, the party needs serious rebranding. They should wean themselves from anything to do with the Mutharikas, the so-called NGC members should gang up and force APM to give up power so that he pours some energy in his remaining limbs to defending family friend Chisale on the large amounts of our taxes he accumulated on their behalf. I must say, they should also get rid of the old guard that have been surviving on the party for their daily bread and rentals. The cartel of advisors who have never won any public position other than serving the president with lies like Francis Mphepo; get rid over-recycled politicians like Chenji Golo, Ntaba, and Mpinganjira; remove from positions of influence politically compromised villains like Mchacha, Chaponda, and that bankrupt convict in the North, Reverend Nzomera Ngwira. Anyway, that job will never happen because APM still feels he is untouchable and has a say on the direction of the party.

Now that Nankhumwa has successfully negotiated his rise to LoOp [ultimately getting back to the salary scale of cabinet ministers], I expect him to unmask himself and become a character that can give hope so that the defeat in 2025 election will not be unequivocally embarrassing. Nankhumwa has always tried his best to avoid being embroidered in chaos, he uses his henchmen like Mchacha and one Victor Musowa to fight his battles. After a lot insulting at rally, he comes like an angel with a sober voice to bring message of unity. The only time he had come out of his shell he was soundly embarrassed by Chakwera at parliament for posing puerile questions. It’s a nice trick in politics, of playing the Virgin Mary character, but he will not connect well with the people because a lot of energy is wasted on trying to be as perfect as the heaven itself. Even if it is the real Nankhumwa, the shadow of his associates is a menace for the future of DPP, it is how the presidency is captured.

Thanks for reading folks, enjoy your weekend.

 

Active Friendship Management

 

It is yet another wonderful Friday and once again we get to gather here for a bit of a read up. It is good to read. Apparently, I have been reading a book titled Designing Your Work Life and I have been getting bad and good tips. Do not be surprised if you hear of me resigning from my job.

I digressed.

A lot of you showered me with praises for some things I did not do. While I take credit for fielding a guest writer who told you about his experiences in Las Vegas (where I have not been to as some of you rightly pointed out), I did not write the article about Ndirande. That credit goes to an idiot, whose only detail I can give is that she is a respectable lady who for some reason grew up in and still stays in Ndirande despite changing levels. I am here now, though. This is the Richie of Richie Online. Landilodi wabwera.

I previously expressed my love for the social media in my past posts. I will share a bit of what I posted a couple of months ago when I was telling people that they do not have to be passive about their Facebook connections. In that post, I expressed how I actively manage my friend list on Facebook including what criteria I use when adding and axing Facebook friends. Long story short, it was about previous and current interaction and added to similarities in our lives. Recent experiences, however, have pushed me into thinking deeper into how to mage friends in real life.

In recent times, I have found myself increasingly performing tasks that I have never performed before in my work life. Here is why. Other than being the medical doctor I was trained to be for a good six years at the College of Medicine, I decided to pursue other interests which are a little too far from the bedside. These required me to sort of prove myself in the field and I have found myself on YouTube and other unusual sites trying to consolidate my knowledge in the new field. Because of the limited interactiveness of such platforms, I found myself in need of supplementary knowledge which I could only get from people who I have not interacted with before. Luckily enough, before I embarked on this journey into the unknown, I had engaged some “Facebook friend” who I actually had not met before. All I had to do was to tell him who I am and what I was planning to do. Somehow it has worked out and this human has proven to be a very awesome resource in my work.

In the same recent times, I have found myself been called upon by my friends to do them some favors relating to their work or personal lives. These obviously involve me doing them a favor that may fall in the lines of career, social and financial lives or any other dimension that they may see me suitable to help. In some cases, I have been able to help with whatever request I am presented with but in soms cases I have been able to for two reasons. The first reason is just that the help I was requested to provide was beyond my means but the second reason was that I was simply not willing to do so. If you asked me to give you a soft loan of “ka fifite” and I said no, chances are just that you did something that made sure I was going to say no to your requests of soft loans until you adequately repent and atone for your sins. I probably forgave but atonement is important.

This brings me to the topic of the day: active friendship management. I feel like people stay on the back foot in their friendships to the extent of not paying attention to them. In my previous article about friendships, I talked about how it is important to nurture friendships that provide for us. For the needs of that article, that may have worked out but it is important to pay attention to the needs of our friends too. Rather related to providing for the needs of our friends, active friendship management also calls for us to reciprocate the needs of our friends, to advise our friends and to manage our expectations on what they can do for us.

However strongly you may deny it, it is a known fact that it is human nature to be selfish. To put that in context, most of the friendships we make are made out of personal benefit. We make friendships because we are looking for something out of them. That is not wrong in itself. What is wrong, however is this thing of ignoring the other person’s needs while prioritizing our own. In every friendship, we need to think of what we could possibly offer to our partner and that is healthy. Our friends also feel a bit more welcome to ask us for help when we are open enough and able to offer them something in return for their good friendship. A tale is told of a toddler who asked her mother of why she had gone over to their neighbors to ask for salt when they had salt at home. The mother in turn told her that she did that in order to make the neighbor feel needed. The story was that the neighbor always came by to ask for various necessities and the mother felt that if the trend continued the neighbor would have felt like she was being a burden. This may not apply to all friendships, but the truth of the matter is that good friendships are bilateral; you give in something and you get something out. That is something we all need to keep in mind. While we get something out of our friendships, we also need to give in something periodically, however small.

Then there is the issue of reciprocation. Another important aspect of managing our friendships if giving back the favors our friends give us. This is rather related to the previous point. For those of you who have gone through an adverse event or a wonderful event, you understand how important it is for people to show up at your wedding or your grandmother’s funeral. Depending on how close you are to your friends, you expect a certain cohort of people you hold dear to be present at your events. These expectations get heightened when one has been present at a friend’s hour of need and as such we need to give back the favors others give. Just for our friends’ sake.

The other way of actively managing friendships is the issue of advising our friends. It will be great to acknowledge how much friendship is enjoyed when you hardly restrict each other’s actions among peers. If you guys want to unnecessarily go shopping, you go. If it is an impromptu drinking spree in another city, you go on without giving a second thought to a friend’s suggestion. There comes a certain time when we need to curb our friend’s actions. This sort of advice may go into their spending habits, love life, career and spiritual life where most of us feel a bit uncomfortable to advise our friends, mostly for the fear of losing our friends. All I am saying is, advising our friends when we feel like our word is for their good is our duty even when we feel like we will do it at the expense of our friendship.

Here is the last one; preparation. Most friendships have been lost because people were hit with something they least expected whether good or bad. Ladies. You probably lost a male friend because they asked you out. Now that was not a bad thing. There are times that we have lost friends because they did not show up for us. On the other hand, we need to keep our window of expectations open to avoid being overwhelmed by disappointment or excitement. Great expectations create frustrated men so we need to manage our expectations from our friends.

That being said, having and maintaining friends is not as passive as we like to think it is. It is an exercise that needs out utmost attention and we need to treat it as such. Eetu. Kukhala ndi anzanu musamakuphweketse.

An Idiot’s Rants

by an idiot (probably one from Ndirande)

Everything about everything is nothing at all

You know them. You have seen them grow up, they may have raised you, and they have played with you. The type of people you ‘can’t tell nothing’. They finish your sentences, leaving your poor tongue hanging for dear life in your mouth, wondering…is this how this is supposed to be?

They know everything. Business? Oh, you can’t tell me nothing! I used to do that business. Actually, it’s not good because I failed, I don’t think you will make it. I know COVID-19 better than anyone. Why not take a slice of lemon with this amount of salt if you want to avoid it? Relationships? I have never had a failed relationship. All my baes and boos adore me. In fact I have ten of them now. All want to marry me. I am the goat. I am the plug!

You say it, they know it.

It’s such a sad state to be. The know-it-all state, that is. You do not learn anything new. People avoid you. People are scared of you. Meanwhile, the oblivion that comes with being a know-it-all eludes you of the sixth sense - that one that reminds you to stay grounded, look around and listen.

The youth are the most vulnerable people to this know-it-all syndrome. They are drinking from the fountain that keeps giving. Newly found freedom, the tip of the iceberg of success, a little money, a few titles and some hard earned little respect.

Maybe we should take a moment to listen.

To our parents. To our peers. To our bosses. To our juniors.  To strangers. To the world.

Maybe we should read more.

A book on fiction. A book on non-fiction. Some drama. Some self-help.

There is a long way to go before we can ‘take control of the conversation’. A little piece of advice makes Jolie a jolly boy. A little piece of reckoning makes Mary a merry girl.

Just saying.

But all in all, everything about everything is nothing at all.

Stay spicy!

To Ndirande Mountain with love

Ahtot Manje has taken over my mountainous Ndirande Township. I cannot walk a distance without seeing a drunkard dancing his illusions away in broad daylight to the beat of the Hiya Huwa hit. And then there are the children. Bless them. They have made a game out of the hit song. Instead of the usual ‘jingo, janga’, they now go ‘hiya, huwa, ha’! It’s nice. Some innovation right there.

And speaking of innovation - no man outside Ndirande has mastered the art of ‘mastering’ like a man from Ndirande. Anything you shall find. It is a field of many possibilities. People travel from far and wide to fetch for ‘ngini’ in Ndirande. The market of the township, a seemingly normal space, is surprisingly filled to its beam with items. Made elsewhere and made in Ndirande. The prices are always questionably generous. Giveaway prices. If you are wise you wonder why such is so. You cannot travel from Nchenachena to Ndirande for ‘ngini’ just to get it at MK5000. Smell the fish? Oh, this is Ndirande. A warm welcome to you!

Have you heard of digging a hole to cover another hole? In the end, you dig so many holes, you get exhausted because there is ALWAYS another hole to fill up. As I said, welcome to Ndirande.

This is the place where men have learnt to put their wallets in their shoes. Where women carry their money in their bras. No jokes. And speaking of money in bras, no one cares. The sweaty the better. After all, ndalama siinyasa. Imanyasa ndi ntchito.

As a ‘foreigner’ in this ‘world’ you may be very vulnerable to losing the shirt in your back of you are not careful. If you are naïve, you buy ‘ngini’ for 5 grand, you go home poorer than you came. Sometimes begging for free transport back home.

Ndirande is a network. If you do not know the code, better come with a friend.

My parents came to settle in Ndirande in the early 80s. I know the township better than the back of my hand. I can navigate through the impassable ghettos, the bathroom paths and I know the language spoken there. But I am AFRAID of my township. I have seen it at its best and at its worst. It is the mother of innovations. Ironically, it is the mother of breakers.

A word for the wise.

Don’t play games in Ndirande. You either end up cloth-less or lifeless. It is a catch 52.

Always come to the mountainous Ndirande with love.

Stay safe!

Oh, tell baby to shut up!

He almost makes me speak French. Not French the language but French the French.

In other words, my tired is very tired.

Publicity, either good or bad, is good publicity. Reputation, however, suffers from bad publicity, ergo; bad reputation is something down the toilet.

Please tell baby to shut up. He is irking people with his half-cooked music, pride and ‘mannerisms’. He is precious, when used sparingly, like pepper, but never good in huge doses. Some parts of the body have the sense of tasting too.

Should I talk about how he kept referring to the MK50, 000 that he sends to that old man? Kukumba anthu. Or should I talk about the way he tried so hard to embarrass that mentally ill man? So unnecessary. Management so poor. Someone needs to fire someone.

And who in the mother of Rose allows him such liberty to keep speaking with his thorny attitude?

Oh, please, for the love of the deities, tell baby to shut up.

Stay creamy!

Encounter with an Intelligent Stripper

 

It is yet another Friday and here is another Richie Online article, as usual. The only new thing is that this is being typed by Walter Moyo. Unlike Richard Kamwezi, I’m not an experienced blogger. To be entirely honest, I’m not even a blogger at all. I’m just another regular person sitting behind a computer. Richie asked me to put in an entry and I gladly accepted. I may boast a few stories but that’s about it. The dexterity of crafting words is not something I claim to be immensely endowed with.

Okay, let’s do away with the chit-chat and go direct to the story. I am (and have been) staying in the US for the past two years. Earlier this year before the infamous pandemic reared its ugly head, I decided to pay a visit to the world’s mecca of carnal motivations. Did you guess Las Vegas? That’s it. That was where I went. Scores of people from all coordinates of the globe trek to this bustling city to treat themselves to the pleasures of life. It therefore comes as no surprise that Las Vegas is rightfully nicknamed “Sin City”. Vegas is synonymous with gambling at its world-class casinos. Partying, drinking, smoking and other vices I haven’t mentioned also take place there, mostly ones that are legal and non-violent. But my motivation for going to Vegas was fueled more by my curiosity for adventure than any zeal for partying. I don’t drink. If I do, it's a few glasses once every 7 years or so, for reasons unbeknownst to anyone.

I had a lot of fun during my 3 days in Vegas, despite that I had gone alone. It was only on the third day, though, that I got to learn a thing or two from my stay there. It was kind of funny considering that this was the last place I would have expected to gain any useful knowledge from. So, here’s what happened. I decided to finish off my stay there with a visit to a strip club. For the sake of the uninitiated, these are clubs where almost-naked women perform dances and strip-teases to mesmerized audiences for money. Save for small-sized panties that they use to thinly veil their dignity; they basically dance naked. The patrons, typically well-dressed high-class, middle-aged men, throw a banknote or two at the marvel of the acts. 

I sat down there watching the performers do their best acts. Various performers took turns to display strip-dances on a central pole. The better one danced, the more money got thrown her way. I felt a little bit out of place, but was also somewhat excited to have tried visiting a type of place I had never been to before. It was less about the girls and more about the feeling of doing something new. As I got even more lost into my thoughts, a beautiful damsel approached me from behind. “Hello honey, can I join you?” she asked softly. She was of Hispanic descent and had a chocolate-toned skin and glowing eyes. She looked exactly like the rap artist Cardi-B. I made sure I gave this compliment to her. She smiled and acknowledged that she was from the Dominican Republic. In the first moments, I was wary of accepting her offer to join me on my seat. I thought she wanted to perform a lap-dance for me to earn some money, and I was hardly in the mood for that. She was quick to notice my reluctance and swiftly moved to clarify her intentions. “Don’t worry, I’m not looking to perform a dance for you. I’m just tired and want a useful conversation. I don’t need you to give me any money” said the girl.

My mouth remained agape. I did not know how to answer her, mostly because I was not sure what kind of discussion I would have with a stripper. I had never had a conversation with such a person and I did not know what to expect. I remained curious to see how everything would go, though. The conversation continued. We initially talked about basic issues like why I was there and where she was from. We then gradually went on to dissect deeper matters, such as issues relating to her line of work. This was where my expectations began to get blown. I got a bit surprised to actually feel like I was learning several things. For one, the stripper pointed to a sign within the strip-lounge, that said that prostitution was illegal. It confused me at first, because my pre-conception was that strippers were one and the same thing as prostitutes. I was informed that I had been misinformed. This girl and the other strippers were simply that—strippers—and nothing else. They could perform services as escorts or models, but it still was NOT prostitution. You can pay to spend time with them, but not to have sex with them. Any attempts to coerce them into performing sex acts and other activities outside of the “professional” stripping activities could get you in trouble. I learnt of the existence of professional stripper associations that aim to enforce this.

There were other more interesting things that I learnt this night. The stripper continued to tell me of aspects of her job that I could not have thought of. She explained how her job sometimes allowed her to provide emotional and psychological comfort to other people. She loved this part because it allowed her to be of help to someone in need, much like a therapist. The discussion continued into the subject of depression, which many people suffer from without realizing or without revealing it. The stripper convincingly and elaborately explained how her job was important to resolving such kinds of fundamental problems. She explained that her job thus required special communication skills and empathetic approaches. It was not a job every Jim and Jack could perform. This gave sense to why this job required one to have a certification/ licensure of some sort. I got more astounded at this point. Who would have guessed that strippers could share some characteristics with Mother Theresa? No one. At this point, I was sold. I didn't (and haven't) stop thinking that stripping was an undignified job, but at least I got a clear, distinct sense of its difference from prostitution.

That was not all I discussed with the stripper. We went on and covered even more topics such as the complicated industrial process of wine-production, modern social problems in society and the mechanisms of systemic racism. I can be quite a “semi-nerd” when it comes to intellectual discussions, and the depth to which this stripper girl held her end of the conversations amazed be. I’m not easy to impress, but this girl impressed me with her knowledge of a wide variety of subjects and, more importantly, how she could relate them together to form formidable arguments. This was when I realized that I was talking to a smart person. She was not only witty, but she (surprisingly) seemed to appear to be in her job not only because of the money, but also because of the need to help people.  She talked of many times where she had escorted men who, after being drunk, lost awareness. She could have easily conned them of their money but chose to be honest with them and keep their belongings safe until they woke up. She sounded somewhat genuine and I believed her because it was clear she was not expecting anything from me, so I thought she had no reason to lie. Of course, this may have merely been an instance of someone beating their own drum, so I took it with a pinch of salt. Still more, the passion, intellect and genuineness with which she spoke was captivating. We talked for about an hour more and covered even more intellectual subjects, until the stripper who was on the pole left the stage. Then she stood up and fastened the buckles of her stilettoes. "I need to go back to work. I enjoyed our great conversation", said the stripper as she marched to the dancing pole, leaving me in awe of the night I had just witnessed.

From this day on, I knew that I had a lot of re-thinking to do regarding all the stereotypes I held about strippers, and people in general. And that was how I concluded my Vegas adventure.

Side note from Richie: Walter Moyo is one of those adventurous people who text me using a +1 number. Not important that you know him, really. Thanks and have a happy weekend.